STANK OF AMERICA

“Yeah, they say it won’t get better until people start putting money back into the banks. Yeah, the same banks that lost all their money. Look Honey, I don’t know why they would do that, but that’s the plan! So are you going to stay at your mom's again tonight?”

AIG lost $62 billion last quarter. You know what? If your insurance company loses $62 billion in three months, they’re not your insurance company any more. They’re just a bunch of assholes who took your money.

The Citi Group’s shares fell 20%, down to $1.20 per share. That’s three shares of Citi Bank for a Claim Jumper frozen meatloaf dinner, if you’re wondering.

Analysts are saying that the market won’t rebound until the financial institutions bounce back, which to me sounds about like putting a leash on a rabid dog that’s attacking you and then lying down on the sidewalk until he cures your rabies. Except, I believe dogs are inherently good creatures.

DUMBASS...

"Really!?! They told me one weekend a month too! That's hilarious!"

A second US soldier in Iraq has joined a lawsuit questioning Obama’s eligibility to be President, saying:

"I think it is reasonable for Obama to prove his citizenship status thus certifying his eligibility. I too raised my right hand and swore an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States… I believe the case you are filing could very well determine if we are in fact a Constitutional Republic or a nation of mob rule. I would be honored to be a part of your efforts."

Really? You were cool with serving in Iraq under a president who stole his election, led us into a false war, and squandered your armor budget on his buddies’ no-bid contracts, but because you’ve never personally seen Obama’s birth certificate you think you should get a free pass out? He added:

"I am an Army reservist who was activated last August and am currently serving with a military police battalion in Camp Bucca, Iraq. I will be here until at least June 2009."

Seriously, you’ve served half of one tour (as an MP) and you’re trying to sue your way out of your contract with America, in order to uphold our constitution’s contractual integrity? God, that’s dumber than someone who joined the reserves for extra cash, thinking they would never get called up to war, despite the fact that every reservist and national guardsman has been called… oh... wait, I get it. Sorry, dude—try not to get shot, and stop being such a douche. 

STOCK MARKET BREAKS SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM

“Time circuits on. Flux Capacitor... fluxxing. Engine running. All right! Let's go Marty!”

The Dow Jones has dropped to its lowest level since 1997. That must really make stock brokers feel like they’ve wasted the past 12 years of their lives. No matter how much they have worked, sweat, or stolen, things are exactly where they were in 1997. I mean, I’ve fucked up and had to back track in my life a little, but never more than a decade. And I even had an oxycontin problem. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna go buy some stock in yahoo and pets.com.

MARKETS REACT TO OBAMA PLAN: PHLOG

“What?! He’s helping the poor?! Jesus Christ—who would do that?”

“My God, I can’t believe he’s helping the poor people keep their houses. What a dick.”

 “What’s he trying to do, ruin this golden economy?”

“I’m not going to pay my neighbor’s mortgage! I worked hard, really hard, to screw the loser out of that money.”

“How will they know we’re better then them if they get to keep their houses?”

“Doesn’t he know that if he helps working Americans stay in their homes, the stocks of corrupt companies with outdated business models and no profits to speak of will plummet?”

“What is he going to do, nationalize the banks? What’s next, food rations and Russian tanks rolling down our streets?”

“Now, you know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, but I won’t make as much on commissions.”

“Let’s see, we invested in banks that gave loans to high risk candidates, betting they would miss payments, so the banks could charge them more money. Then they missed their payments, but somehow the banks are losing money. I don’t get it. It should work. Fuck it. I’m thirsty, let’s go get some water from a stone.”

The only people more out of touch with the average American than stock traders: Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. I’m surprised the void between their combined worldviews and reality didn’t envelope us all like a worm hole spun from two imploding stars. 

NETWORK HEAD BEHEADS WIFE

“I swear to Allah, if you forget to render your B-roll once more time, I’m gonna cut your fucking head off.”

Muzzammil Hassan, the founder and CEO of Bridges TV, a network designed “to show Muslims in a more positive light,” was arrested for beheading his wife in an honor killing.

I suppose their mission statement is working, because portraying Muslims as a highly ironic people is still “a more positive light” than most the stuff on Fox News.

Sure, networks are cutting staff left and right these days, but this has to be a union violation. And I thought I had worked for some harsh douches at Comcast.