Monday, December 31, 2007

AMISTAD THE MUSICAL: PURGATORY FOR STRAIGHT SOUTHERN GENTLEMEN

Smile!

A reworked version of Amistad, an opera about an 1839 slave ship rebellion, will be performed at the 2008 Spoleto Festival USA, in Charleston South Carolina. However it is feared the heart wrenching story and dramatic performance will be overlooked as the entire crowd awkwardly stares at their feet and wristwatch.

I just hope there didn't add a big tap dance scene.

PS: It's actually a really cool art festival.

WHAT IF YOU GOT ONE SHOT?..

"I had no idea the Symbionese Liberation Army would involve so much confinement."

Sara Jane Moore the woman who tried to kill Gerry Ford has been released from jail. I’m hoping she didn’t so much hate Ford, as she did love the idea of killing the President.

Also-- again with the three named assassin? My middle name's my mom's maiden name. Boy would she be embarrassed if I tried to kill the President.

SATAN IS DEFEATED IN REEVES, LOUISIANA

"91 phone numbers no longer contain the digits 666! Now I will never rule on Earth! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The town of Reeves, Louisiana finally succeeded in having their phone prefix changed from 666 to 749. I can understand why good, God-fearing people wouldn’t want the digits 666 in their phone number, but I would be less concerned with changing the number and more concerned why God assigned it to you.

You can tell people you’re phone number starts with 749 all you like, but God still knows you’re evil.


KENYA HELP?

"Sooo, this is what it's like bein' a bad guy. All right."

140 protesters were killed in Kenya over the weekend when rioting broke out after their sitting President made a corrupt power grab, and stole his re-election. All while you were watching another news report on what a tough year it was for Anna Nicole Smith.

"I can’t believe Bush stole Florida- I mean, Mwai Kibaki and Kenya."

“Okay, okay, you didn’t rig the election. Just stop shooting tear gas at me, asshole!”


“Jesus Christ, all I did was vote yes on Prop 287.”


They should protest in front of their drought-stricken crops


If you ever see a mob like this coming through your neighborhood, you have to join it.

You just have to.


"Heros in a halfshell. Turtle Power!"



Ewwww, this is gonna be good.


There are few pleasures in life like taunting an armed policeman.


Yes, they’re pissed the election was stolen by a corrupt dictator, and he's unleashed a brutal police army on his own people, but you can’t tell me these two guys aren’t having a blast.


"We're grillin' tonight!"


"Hell yeah, we grillin' tonight!"


No, I will not say somethin' racist.


AHHHHH!!! are you kiddin’ me? Give a white guy a break here.


Who would steal a crazy old woman?


"Stop! Hey! [THWACK] Stop! Who’d you vote for?! [THWACK] Tell me! Who’d you—[THWACK] wait, come’ere [THWACK]—who’d you vote for?!” [THWACK THWACK] No—look at me—who’d you vote for? [THWACK THWACK]"


It probably is.

Friday, December 28, 2007

PROJECT RUN-AWAY


"Is that a SCUD in your pocket, or are you happy to--
AWW FUCK IT, just go ahead and stone me already."


IRAQ AP- Hardline Muslim extremists who believe it is sinful for women to appear beautiful in public have forced many beauticians to move their trade underground.

C'mon guys, some of us here in the Great Satan are trying to give peace a chance, the least you could do is let your ladies play with make-up and ease up on the honor killing. I've seen pictures, you've got some cute girls over there sweating to death under all that wool!

Maybe if you snuggled up with a sweet-smelling, 2 browed delight instead of PAVAROTTI-in-a-hot-garbage-bag... you might not be so extremist about things.

Sunni and Shiite militants began blowing up beauty salons roughly two years ago, all in an effort to stamp out what they view as the corrupting spread of Western culture.

On the bright side, it's good to see they can agree on something.

"You are all still in the running to be DEATH-TO-AMERICA's
Next Top Model ...and I'm going to flog you."

(guest blogger John Wessling, "I coulda JIHAD a V8!")

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

SELENA DOESN'T COUNT

"First they came for the MARIACHIS, and I said nothing..."

At least 13 MEXICAN musicians have been killed -
gunned down, burned or suffocated to death - since June 2006.

"Los CORPSES del NORTE"

You see, south of the border, REAL hardcore drug trafficking gangsters don't like it when you sing little songs about how they killed your family and ruined your town...ESPECIALLY when you play it on one of these fucking things!


The accordion is as close as mankind has come to replicating the luscious tone of CAT RAPE, rivaled only by the BAGPIPES.
That tortured device's howl is reason enough not to shoot a cop.



Where were we? Oh thats right, if you're gonna play in Guadalajara you gotta have a NARCO-TERRORIST in the band!
"Housekeeping...mother fucker."

This story, while technically a harbinger of doom and therefore a sign of the weekly impending doom, I'm THIS close to calling it a net-positive.



Alas, until the dismembered and indistinguishable chunks of MENUDO find themselves stacked in a hotel bathtub in Miami, I say be careful!



p.s. to those of you who thought this was gonna take an anti-immigration turn along the way, I say poo to you! Quit watching so much Lou DOBBS and go eat a taco! I've been losing comedy writing jobs to undocumented CANADIANS for years and you don't see me getting bitter!

(guest blogger John Wessling)

Sunday, December 23, 2007

CHINESE ATTACK DOGS ARE TEACHING PANDA BEARS HOW TO FIGHT!!

As we all know, PANDAS are nature's prison bitch. If you can catch one, just pick it up and fuck it. That's not even illegal, so you know. You CAN make love to an endangered species.

Anyhoo. Our friends in the peoples' republic of LEAD have begun using highly-trained military police dogs as fighting instructors for PANDA BEARS being reintroduced into the wild.

It shouldn't be that hard, the Panda's only natural predators are Tiggers and MyLittlePonies.

I am alarmed. As a rule, it is bad for mankind when other species of animals get together for combat training.
This can not end well for us.

Imagine that the PANDA takes very well to the dog's military teachings...

They already have a pair of "operatives" at every zoo in every american city!!

Pray that the newly emboldened warrior PANDA does not get the bomb.

-MERRY APOCALYSTMAS EVE!!

(guest blogger John Wessling)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

LOOK OUT, PLANETS ALIGNING AGAIN!!

(guest blogger John Wessling)

It's a very rare occurrence when Jupiter, Mercury and the Sun clump together, and even rarer for me to give a shit about it. Seriously, I pay about as much attention to the celestial plane as my cat does to the stock market.

But alas, for centuries, assholes have gazed at the heavens, geeked out of their gourds on absinthe trying to make some sense of these little dots that they failed to mention in the bible.

Well, not exactly. About 2007 years ago, they did mention a glowing collection they called the NORTH STAR which led three dudes to the baby Jebus.

I don't necessarily think these two events are related, but I know there are plenty of fanatics who do, so I choose to stay ready. I keep my bathtub full of water throughout the whole holiday season, just-in-case.


Remember, it says that when Jebus returns he'll be as a lion, not as a lamb. Just like John McClain in Die Hard 2.






I think he's already back...in the form of Tom Brady!
3 Super Bowls, undefeated season, bony-boning a supermodel...if you were the son of God, W.W.Y.D?

Only 2 more days until the APOCALYSTMAS!!!
-jw

Friday, December 21, 2007

GODZILLA BIN LADEN

(guest blogger John Wessling)

If you think our congress is knee-deep in dip-shit, well then you haven’t seen dick.

In TOKYO, the parliament-non-funkadelic (or whatever) have been debating for weeks whether or not its okay to shoot down a UFO and who-pays-for-what just in case a GODZILLA attacks!



Turns out that ever since, umm, you know, well...we nuked them at the end of WWII, they’ve grown to be a little particular about what flies around or drops into their “precious” little airspace.

Evidently once your society has experienced some thermonuclear activity, resulting generations become quite wary of the great ABOVE.

The DEFENSE MINISTER promised that in case of Godzilla attack, the troops would get the equipment and all FUNDING they need.

“In fact we’ve already drawn up some plans...we could go ahead and take the money now, so we’re ready when it happens...we’d like it in 20’s please.

Now I get it!
“You keep making up your monsters and we’ll keep on doing the same.


I know he’s evil and all, but dammit,
they are so cute when they're little!


ONLY 3 MORE DAYS UNTIL THE APOCALYSTMAS!!

(OR THE CHRISTMOCALYPSE)

WHICHEVER IS SCARIER!!!

-jw

Thursday, December 20, 2007

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 8:47 PM EST

This time it’s an intergalactic curveball…

Jamie Lynn Spears unborn child is more than just a sign of the end of the world. It’s also part of the cause. A potent combination of beef hormones, abstinence only education, and Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy will cause the largest baby boom in American history, as every teenage girl in America with straight legs will get pregnant by noon on Friday. Not only do teenagers love sex—it’s so cool— but girls also love babies—they’re so cute!

Getting knocked up is that biggest trend for teen and tween girls since Titanic. It’s more popular than ponies and catchier than cigarettes. The schools try to fight it, but abstinence only education only adds fuel to the flame. The coolest pregnant girls are the ones wearing purity rings. Teenagers are jackasses like that.

By midday Saturday, every tween girl, and a few queer little boys, in America has a baby. Russia immediately sees this population explosion as a security threat akin to the nuclear race and begins an artificial baby boom of their own, starting the world’s first international Cuddly War. By late Saturday both America and Russia will be bursting at the borders with babies. America’s, so crowded Mexicans start going home. It’s like the rats leaving the ship, but more racist.

At the same time, the Middle East is experiencing unrivaled peace and harmony as the pilgrims return home from a peaceful Hajj. Up until two Iranian pilgrims stop at a Saudi KFC and order an eight piece with four biscuits. When they order the bucket of chicken, the employee tells them they only have six pieces left and none of them are breasts. The Iranians go nuts. They’ve been fasting for weeks and just want some damn chicken, so they start yelling and cussin’ in the name of Allah.

Passing pilgrims mistake them yelling as a Fatwa on KFC, and they burn the place to the ground, and then pull out some Israeli flags and start burnin’ them too for good measure. Now it’s on. The entire Middle East riots at once, just like we’ve always wondered if they would. Sunni, Shia, Kurds, and even some confused Greek tourists come together and rage against America and Europe.

The only problem is, no matter how much they yell and jump up in down in huddled circles, no matter how much they stomp on burning American flags and light effigies that look like paper mache projects done by third graders, no matter how many car bombs they set off—they’re still stuck in the Middle East. They don’t have armies that can reach us. Sure they blew up Israel. Who gives a fuck? We’re fine.

Enter Russia. By Saturday night, Russia has matched our baby boom by forcing their army to impregnate every woman under 49 and by stealing every baby in China. Russia doesn’t know specifically why they need all these babies; they’re just trying to keep up with us. So Putin comes to DC for a summit. By 8 PM, Russia leaves at a complete stalemate. No one knows what they fuck is going on, but no one will admit it, so everybody just stared each other down the whole time, just like most international summits.

After the Russians leave, Bush finds one of Putin’s new business cards that was left behind, and he notices that instead of “President,” it says “Czar.” And instead of having a Russian flag, it actually has a sickle and hammer… and a confederate flag, and swastika. Yeah, Putin’s a dick. So we nuke him.

What Bush doesn’t know is that Russia has already formed a federation with the Arabs, headquartered in Afghanistan. The Russians have the technology, or at least some of it, to help the terrorists accomplish their Jihad. They don’t sell them nukes, no they misplaced those years ago, but they do have planes.

The Russians begin flying terrorists to America and dropping them like bombs. It’s like a suicide bomb, but without the explosives. Just gravity and a hairy Arab fucking up your roof.
Americans panic, but also kind of agree that some of those babies had to go anyway. They’re fuckin everywhere.

Late Saturday night, in a seemingly unrelated event, Amy Winehouse busts out of Jail in London. She’s jonesin’ hard and there ain’t enough heroin in all of Europe to get her fix, so she hijacks a freight cargo to Afghanistan. Unfortunately, she’s too dope sick to fly a plane, and she crash lands right into a poppy field. It’s not hard to do, they’re everywhere. As her plane bellies through the field, the wings clip across the plants, collecting the residue from the poppies and harvesting the world’s largest heroin crop in less than a minute, then she shoots it all even quicker.

The locals are so impressed they make her a War Lord. By Sunday morning Amy Winehouse has fought her way being the most powerful War Lord in Afghanistan. She’s tough as nails. Now that Putin’s dead, Amy becomes the most powerful person in the hemisphere. But she makes Bush uncomfortable, so he nukes her and the rest of the hemisphere. It’s all moot though because at 8:47 PM Sunday night, the intergalactic death star that’s floating this way will envelope us all so quickly it’s like Earth never existed.

LOWE EXPECTATIONS

"My family tree was cut down and made into press board."

A Michigan man has been searching for his birth mother for years, and he finally found her—working at the same Lowe’s as him. While that may seem cool at first, he has to feel like a disappointment.

The whole point of giving a kid up for adoption is you believe they have a chance to have a better life than you, but no, 22 years later, he’s there sweepin’ up saw dust right next to you. C’mon kid—you were a white baby, you had every opportunity to get adopted by a rich family and make good!

Giving up a kid for adoption is like a scratch off lottery ticket. Usually you loose, but sometime you make good. This time the lady won another ticket. Status Lowe.

ILLEGITAMATE KIDS INCORPORATED

At least now I know the difference between her and Hannah Montana.


In the fallout fallowing Jamie Lynn Spears getting knocked up at 16, Nickelodeon is considering doing a show about teen pregnancy. The only problem is they can’t put her on it, because once you decide you’re keeping a baby, you have to act like it’s the greatest thing that ever happened to you, not a horrible mistake resulting from painfully awkward country fried statutory rape that may or may not fall into the legal buffer zone depending on which county she was mounted in.

The first magazine interview she does, she’ll say teenage girls need to be responsible and not get pregnant. Then the right next to that, in big bold, pink letters, a giant pulled-out quote will say “This little bald kitten is the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s a blessing from God, y’all.” Preemie teen babies are going to be the next Cabbage Patch kids.

If Hannah Montana gets knocked up now, the breeding patterns of this country will forever be changed.

JOHN M:16

“This is a day the Lord has made!”
“Let us be armed and scared of it!”

After recent shootings, Churches across the country are considering adding armed guards. I’m talkin’ about the houses of worship, not the fried chicken place, which is actually far more dangerous.

Of course, these are the really conservative, tithe-a-trailer, God-fearin’, secret-queerin’ middle America churches that only turn the other cheek for a self-loathing reach around--be it sexual or otherwise. They also happen to be armed to the teats, largely due to the fact that they’re shamed by their own nipples, so if ever there was a group that should espouse the old colonial, do-it-yourself theory that this wouldn’t be a problem if everybody had a pistol in their belt, boot, and hat, this would be them.

Let the lead fly from the pews as wildly as the judgement and condemnation. God'll sort 'em all out later. And by sort 'em out, I mean send everyone to hell except you, your family, and your dog.


“Your son’s an acolyte? Well, our little Billy’s a second Lieutenant in the First Church of Christ Shepherds of God Security Militia.”

Most of them are full of just enough guilt and shame for lusting over MTV and a Pepsi ad, that they would make the perfect gun-toting, church saving, Arnold Shwartzen-martyr. You know it has to be a free pass to Heaven if you're on the righteous end of gun play in church. That should make up for those urges on the inside.

"Jesus loves you! This bullet does not!"

But no, they want armed guards. These Christians are just jealous of all the attention Islam is getting from God. By seeing armed gunmen as they walk into church, it makes them think they’re in danger of being attacked for their faith and love of Jesus. Life is hard, boo fucking hoo. You ain’t hangin’ from a cross for three days while maintaining a pleasant attitude. Get over it.