Wednesday, October 31, 2007

THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY IN TAKING POOR PEOPLE'S MONEY



Some pastors in low income urban areas are teaching scientology (refuse to capitalize it) to their congregations. Why? Because the book of scientology is a self help book with cool science fiction pictures. Think “Who Moved my Cheese?” meets “Tron.” How is that different from the Bible? The pictures.

It’s great to take a lot of money from a few rich people, but it’s an even better plan to take a small amount of money from poor people—they’re fucking everywhere these days.

I bet somewhere in a fundraising boardroom in their spaceship, some scientologist captain suggested they use the old Catholic model and take a little bit of money from everybody. Assuming scientologist beat mormons to the punch and become the next Christianity, I can’t wait for the impending scientologist civil wars when factions refuse to share power. The uniforms alone will be awesome.

Oh, and yes, of course I assume the mothership is paying off these poor pastors. What would you do if your church couldn’t afford repairs in 20 years and for some reason your congregation seemed to like that damn book anyway?

HALLOWEEN: AN OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH YOUR KIDS ABOUT THE ALLMAN BROTHERS


Duane Allman Pumpkin. Smashed in 1971. RIP.

IRONIC OR APPROPRIATE?

Toys 'R' Us is recalling Elite Operations Army toys for containing too much led. Sadly, that's the only way to recall a real troop from Iraq too.

MODERATE EARTHQUAKE GENTLY ROCKS GAY-TOWN ON DEVIL'S DAY...

Too bad these stupid fucks can't afford cross-country airfare. Maybe God hates people who earn under $18k even more.
The little one's frowning because of what Dad did last time he pulled out the digital camera.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

HONORING THOUSANDS KILLED BY STALIN...

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{Good God, that man was a genius, a fucking genius. I hope this kid burns his fucking face off.}

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"Sir, we're commemorating the dead, not celebrating the murderer."

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"I'm going to kill you first, Santa Klaus Jesus."

HAW?

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Coolio announced he will star in his own show on the Oxygen network. The heart-warming reality series will be called “Retarded Children Braid Coolio’s Hair.” It’s like “Kid Nation,” but with more emotional breakdowns and temper tantrums.

3...2...1... AND WE'RE DONE


It's like he's just not trying to win. Obama better be covering up a fresh stain from that last little bit of piss or covering up the most ill-timed erection since seventh grade, because this is presidential campaign 101 bullshit. At least if he was covering a hard-on, he'd get right wing support for having a boner for the flag.

This is about as stupid as campaigning with formerly gay gospel singer Donnie McClurkin, who converts the queers with Christ's love.

Donnie's the kind of guy no one likes politically. The left hates him because he says gays can and should convert, and the right hates him cause they know he's still gay. It's like campaigning with Judas. "Hey Christians, look how tight I am with Jesus' friend!" and then "Hey Jews, I'm friends with a famous Jew!"

Sadly, this could be the end of the Great Mulatto Hope.

REALLY, THAT'S WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?!?


Catholics are all up in arms over Britney Spears' new album cover (above). At first I was kind of impressed by the picture, but that's only because I thought the revealed legs belonged to the priest and he was wearing stockings under his frock. You know, a joke about priests being queer. But upon closer investigation-- who gives a shit? At least it's not the Jonas Brothers on his lap.
Some Catholics are calling this a "bottom of the barrel stunt" for Britney. No this isn't. Holding a baby in one hand, a bottle of pills in the other, and steering the car with your knees-- all while being photographed by dozens of people-- that's a bottom of the barrel stunt.

Once again, the church has better shit to do. Jesus Christ, who fucked these guys in the mouth and made them such bitches? Oh... right.

NATURE HATES US!



More than 150 dolphins have committed mass suicide and washed ashore in Iran. You know we're fucking something up when the world's happiest animals are offing themselves in mass. The only thing sadder would be if dozens of raped unicorns washed ashore.

Lord help us if anything happens to the narwales...

Monday, October 29, 2007

UNNATURAL DISASTER!



Paris Hilton—above, possibly in costume and definitely high— has released her fifth fragrance.
Hopefully this time, the creators got it right and nailed the fragrant essence of vodka, vicodin resin, and ass goiter juice.

NOOGIES FROM BIG BROTHER...

Today President Bush announced the eight recipients of this year's Presidential Medal of Freedom-- everyone else was arrested.

Among the recipients are Harper Lee, author of "To Kill a Mocking Bird," a novel which helped us to understand another race's point of view, and Ellen Sirleaf, president of Liberia, a nation which has done the exact opposite.
Kids these days...

DISEASE!


Israeli PM Ehud Olmert announced that he has prostate cancer. There's something so unfortunate about having a rotting chunk of death between your balls and anus that it must make you question whether you are the rightful leader of God's chosen people.
in related DISEASE! news...Sheryl Crow said in a recent interview that she won't let cancer stop her from making music. Your move, God.