This weekend, after the Mideast peace conference in
However, a strange wind is blowing across the collective American cultural conscience, as the election season has not only proven to be bad politics, but also bad TV, and that’s one thing Americans will not stand for. Thirsting for a change, action, and new characters,
From the fog of the
Timothy will summon the same superhuman powers that allowed him to rob a bank with his bare hands, and kill at the rate of 3,000 bureaucrats an hour. His hatred for an overbearing, over-regulating, over-taxing federal government, combined with a genetic mental defect, and his homey, Davy Crockett looks will resonate with Libertarians hungry for a change and a third party candidate. (Okay, maybe he looks more like Davy Crockett with post traumatic stress disorder that has driven him to drink everything from mouthwash to horse liniment. What do you expect, he saw some crazy shit at the
For the rest of the day, Timothy continues his murderous spree of handmade and homespun manslaughter—the old fashioned way, without all these modern gizmos— he cracks skulls with good old fashioned elbow grease, thrusts and rubs knuckles through brains, and shatters ribs while stabbing hearts with splintering bones. You either help Timothy kill, or you get killed by Timothy.
Then just when the remaining Americans had sold out their friends and families, trading their loved ones’ lives to parlay favor with Timothy; Timothy turned and killed them too, because they were a bunch of soulless sellouts.
Back in Europe, the youth riots in
Upon attack, the cowardly Cardinals try to hide and blend in with
the youth, but they stick out like the maid’s car, cause they are cloaked in gold robes with titanium snaps on the side so they can disrobe on a second’s notice, like a point guard rushing in for a last minute molestation. Platinum wingtips may be fancy and let people know God loves you more, but they don’t give much traction to run away from an angry mob of teens who blame you for molesting their dad. Perhaps the Pope got the worst of it. After killing him, they used CPR to bring him back to life, just to kill him again. Don’t be so disturbed, he kind of appreciated the Christ-like aspect of it.
By now all of
At the same time, in Asia, the Monkey Wars are escalating, as the exploding monkey population in
Once the Monkeys moved into the cities, they realized that people were in their way, taking up space, so they just started killing every person they saw. It didn’t take long—by Saturday evening they had killed everybody, mostly by ripping limbs off and beating their bloody chest-body and head with their own arms. Monkeys aren’t that smart, but they do get a kick out of shit like that.
Meanwhile, in a surprising twist, the old British ladies who had been vacationing in Africa just to throw hip and cash at young African men to fulfill their lingering, Victorian age fantasy of being ravaged by the savage help, end up giving the African male prostidudes STDs. Turns out, the only disease Africans haven’t been exposed to is the old fashioned Pirate Clap which white people have grown immune to after so many buccaneers worked their way into our gene pool. Quicker than small pox and more frightful than the plague, the Pirate Clap spreads across Africa like a flash fire in a rural meth lab run by amateur amphetamine enthusiasts, killing everyone in Africa by Friday night.
Across the Atlantic, no one is aware that everyone in
Unfortunately, they got a bit carried away, which is understandable given the circumstance, but they got ahead of themselves and finished the final temple honoring Hugo Chavez’s sweater collection, about four years in advance—it was a really good harvest.
Long story short, they got so coked up, they skipped four years on the Mayan calendar and by 11 PM Saturday night, it is actually December 21, 2012. I know it seems impossible, but they do math differently. The Aztecs invented the concept of zero, you know— which actually seems to have brought a real sense of pessimism to mathematics, now that I think about it.
Anyway, as we all know, according to the ancient Mayan calendar, the world ends on December 21, 2012, and we all know that has to be true because it’s really old, so right as the last brick is laid on the temple, the new leader of the Pakistani army Mervez Pusharraf, who is actually just Pervez Musharraf wearing a fake mustache, which seems a particularly flagrant considering he already has a mustache, nukes the monkeys.
Mervez knows the impact of nuking the monkeys will kill him too, but come on, how often do you get a chance to nuke a monkey army? So he goes for it. Since he’s blowing a quarter of the earth to dust, he figures, he might as well nuke the opposite side too, to make it symmetrical, and leave a sort of apple core shaped earth like in the cartoons.
Meanwhile back in