Thursday, November 29, 2007

LIVE FREE OR I'LL CRUSH YOUR SKULL WITH MY BARE HANDS AND BATH IN YOUR BLOOD

"Sure, you're not supposed to freebase Zoloft."

Boston area resident Timothy Elliott won $1 million on a scratch ticket, which never happens. Mathematically speaking, the odds of winning a million dollars on a scratch ticket and the odds of a pound of bacon being elected mayor are about the same.

The only problem here is, Timmy's on probation for holding up a bank and the state forbids him from gambling, which includes playing the lottery or even being in a restaurant that has Keno tables. Seems pretty extreme, but look at the guy. That's a picture of him when he's happy.

Did I mention that when he robbed the bank he was unarmed? That makes him seem less dangerous... at first. Now imagine this guy holding up a bank full of customers, employees, and security guards-- all with out a gun, knife or even a baseball bat. Just his bare fucking hands.

Considering the odds and irony of Timothy winning a million bucks on a scratch off ticket, his super human strength that lets him rob banks by hand, and the combination of his crazy ol' coot beard, orthopedic spectacles, vaguely orthodox looking hat, and shark's tooth necklace-- I think we should worship him, or at least consider him as a Libertarian candidate for President.

The lottery commission is still debating what to do, which I'm guessing is one giant game of "not it!"

1 comment:

brad said...

pete,
its brad (from myspace). i love your writing and i've followed them around and now we're here.

i love this idea you ahve.
the writing is amazing. it cracks me up every time i read it.

keep up the great work, man.
lates.