Friday, November 9, 2007


As you read this, the destruction from Tropical Storm Noel in Haiti seems like a distant memory, but during this past week, all the blood from the dead and injured Haitians has run together into the largest ever collection of AIDs.

This large, cloudy red AIDs cloud is not only disturbing, it’s dangerous. Before rush hour even begins on Friday Afternoon, a weak trade wind will blow bloody cloud West where it will hit the Gulf Stream and immediately travel up America’s East Coast where AIDs will spread faster than a JV cheerleader who’s been told not to… which is precisely the problem. After receiving government-funded abstinence only education, America’s youth is having more butt sex than George Michael at the Halloween parade on Cocaine Island.

Of course the only thing more dangerous than rampant raw ass sex during an AIDs outbreak is rampant fat ass sex during an AIDs outbreak. If we’re too big for the Small World ride, we’re definitely too big for the small hole ride. Body fluids are fucking every where by early Saturday morning.

American’s beg our God for help, but God doesn’t have much patience for us at this point. God shouts, “I tried to warn you! Didn’t you hear that awful noise Jamie Foxx was making?!?” When we tell God that we thought the audio premonition of preteen butt AIDS was music, he storms off and tells us to fix it ourselves.

However, we keep begging God for help and it finally works because he is a forgiving God, and it’s hard to effectively storm off when you’re everywhere at once. God reveals to us that everything we need to know is in a book that he has hidden on the Earth.

Unfortunately, he hid it in West Virginia, and sense banning Pat Conroy’s novel’s “Beach Music” and “The Prince of Tides” they went ahead and burnt every book in town after finally admitting that their caveman fascination with fire is stronger than their thirst for knowledge.

North and South America are wiped out by the preteen chubby butt sex AIDs plague by noon on Saturday, and the rest of the world seems to be safe. Little do they realize that the Gulf Stream is not only carrying the disease to the UK, but its pleasant, warm water temperature is perfect for the strain of American preteen chubby butt sex AIDS to mutate and become air born.

The new AIDs fog slowly envelopes the UK like a giant, dark fog, which catches London off guard and kills them instantly. The rest of Europe sees what’s coming and gets more than a little annoyed. After all, they didn’t even get to have the hot unprotected butt sex, but they still get the AIDs.

This frustration will drive the teens in Finland to further embrace the greatest American trend since blue jeans, school shootings, and every misunderstood and isolated teenage boy living in Finland will rise up and form the largest standing Finnish army in the history of the world. The Finnish army will sweep across about three blocks before the AIDs cloud gets them. The AIDs fog is now growing and gathering speed as it heads south to Africa where conditions are growing that will create the perfect AIDs storm when the Haitian Aids that has mutated into chubby American teenage butt sex AIDs collides with traditional African AIDS.

The two high powered systems’ collision over the Middle East will spew AIDs tornados, hurricanes, and tsunamis spanning the equator, violently splashing death across the rest of humanity, killing everyone… except for one little girl—one sweet little girl who has been kept in isolation.

Or is it four little girls? The only living human is that poor eight-legged Indian girl who never contracted AIDs because no one would get close enough to her to spread it, even the tornados.

Just as this now normal eight-legged human slithers from her cave to look over her peacefully quiet and accepting world, she is sliced in half by the giant Chinese Ferris wheel which broke free and caught fire due to shoddy workmanship. Since then it has become a hot molten ring of lead spinning across the globe, re-killing everything.

It is now 6:43 PM EST Sunday evening, and the world has ended.

1 comment:

Bob Fingerman said...


I'm glad I followed your link here because this is my kinda blog! Great posts. I'll lump all my praise in this one basket, rather than posting individual love per post (although the "Cunty Roads, Take Me Home" post warrant a special thumbs up. Everyone knows the kids should be reading quality fare, by literary lions like Nicholas Sparks and the Tuesdays with Morrie guy) Anyway, great stuff. Not sure where you got that illustration of a devastated city, but I like it.

To plug my own blog (, I'm actually working on a proposal for a graphic novel set in post-apocalyptic New York. The PA genre is much neglected. If the actual apocalypse comes in its place, well, I guess that's overcompensating, but hopefully I'll get to churn out my opus before, uh, tomorrow at 6:43, when the AIDS fog rolls in. Unlikely.

Check out some of the proposal sketches on my blog before I die.