Friday, November 2, 2007

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SATURDAY AT 12:34 PM EST


“How?” you ask. It all started with the death of Paul Tibbets. Paul piloted the Enola Gay—the plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima. Tibbets died never regretting his actions, which really freaked out the Japanese, considering they even apologize when they give you a gift. However, at least once a month, Tibbets would call a random resident in Japan and tell them he’s glad he dropped that bomb then hang up.

This of course caused great fear in the Japanese, which is why they’re so damn polite and why their culture is dominated by doe-eyed, non-threatening cartoon characters. It’s basically been a 50 year effort to be cute enough not to get bombed again. However, with their nemesis Tibbets dead, the Japanese will reinstate the Rape of Nan King in about twenty minutes.

Systematically raping one of the largest nations in the world won’t go unnoticed (this time). The brutal attacks upon China will call Russia to arms, even though Putin thinks the whole thing is funny.

Putin will attempt to launch Russia’s nukes at Japan, but given that their missiles were designed and built by gypsy scientists, the missiles will miss Japan-- mostly because they are pointed at America, and heading this way. But considering the missiles’ gypsy design, they fly very slowly and have an additional five hour layover in Hamburg.

At the same time, trouble is brewing in the Middle East. Iran, now completely dolphinless, is left defenseless to shark attacks. Due to rapid global warming by early this evening, there will be a massive localized flood reaching Tehran and unleashing the world’s largest shark attack on an urban environment to date.

The Iranians will then launch their nukes at Israel because they thought the sharks had a semantic quality about them around the snout area. Israel’s gone by 7 PM tonight. Don’t act so surprised. Prime Minister Ehmert won’t be.

After coming down with prostate cancer and being nuked in the same week, Ehmert just doesn’t give a fuck any more and will unleash every missile and bulldozer that Israel has, flattening everything between the Mediterranean sea and Iraq, all the while shouting, “Now who wants to live here, fuckheads?!?”

Iraq, by the way will explode upon contact with the first bulldozer. Not metaphorically, but literally explode, because by this point God will be joining in on the destruction. Don’t take it personally—it’s what he does. He makes shit and he breaks shit.

By this point President Bush will have launched nukes at Russia—not because he knows they’ve shot them, but because he got a bit carried away during his afternoon game of “Jesus Reagan,” which, by the way, is a great fucking game.

Russia is gone by the time their gypsy missiles hit northern Canada, and Cheney finally breaks into the Oval Office, despite the bust of George Washington Bush wedged under the door knob to lock the door while playing “Jesus Reagan.”

Cheney feels like the quarterback blue-balled at the prom, and needs a little action too, even if he forces himself on a fat girl. So Cheney nukes Spain, mostly because there aren’t any good targets left, but partially because he’s blamed them all along for the whole immigration issue, shouting, “get your god damned brown bastard kids out of my back yard!” as he pushes the button.

Nuclear winter has worked it’s way South, and Americans are dying faster then Africans. Africa, by the way has not been attacked, but has finally run it’s course after even then Kalahari desert contracted AIDS . Like you didn’t see that coming.

Now, by 10:00 AM Saturday, more American’s are dead than alive when a nuclear fog covers the country and begins choking the few survivors, when all of the sudden the Mothership touches down, piloted by John Travolta and a bunch of vacant-eyed former drug addicts, or as you call them “scientologists.”

Jason Lee and some sort-of hot chick in a weird uniform immediately usher the poor inner-city congregations upon the ship and take off for a distant galaxy, causing Dog the Bounty hunter to shout the N-bomb one final time before the toxic fog steals his last breath.

By noon only a dozen people remain on the earth. At this point a merciful God, stops the destruction and explosions, and even disarms the one Russian nuke that is wandering around the globe looking for America. God tells these last 12 people that they have a chance to start over and make the world paradise, but he warns them, if he sees man going down the path we did before, he will have to cleanse the earth again.

Unfortunately, those 12 people are Coolio and the crew of his reality show, and they decide to continue production, so God kills them at 12:34 PM EST and the world is over.

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