Friday, November 16, 2007


This time it’s war!

Early Friday morning, word of the seven decapitated goats and chickens appearing on Laguna Beach will have spread to Santa Monica’s longtime homeless population. Most of them will say “Told you so” or “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” But for a few in will resonate deeper. Whether it was a prank by teen teenager, a mysterious accident, or a sign of the looming apocalypse no longer matters, because it has already triggered a chemical reaction in local prophet, Stammerin’ Joe’s brain.

Stammerin’ Joe was a navy seal back before he stammered so much. He served in several missions in Latin America and the Caribbean during the 80’s, covertly battling drugs lords and guerilla warriors deep in the jungle or on ostentatious cigarette boats, killing silently, cloaked only by the shadow of the night. However, stealthfully overthrowing drug cartels, installing shadow governments, and eliminating villages can take its toll on a man, and sometimes he needs a little pick me up.

Stammerin’ Joe dove headfirst into a pile of coke so big that it created and destroyed several Latin American countries’ economies, and spent the next couple of years spraying lead through countless villages and ports with such fervor and intensity that it even made Uncle Sam blush and giggle. But when Joe became too crazy to even indiscriminately light up a village with his MP5, Uncle Sam brought Joe home and kicked him to the curb, and things haven’t gotten much better for him since. He on the streets with his three-legged dog and his old lady, Chrystal Beth with no health care of hope for treatment.

The mention of goat heads on the beach snapped Stammerin’ Joe and sent him back to the night in Hispanola that snapped him for good. Now, pissed off at the country that broke him then abandoned him and crazy as hell, Stammerin’ Joe ain’t gonna take no more. Joe has risen up and called together the other 200,000 homeless vets in America forming a massive army crazier than the Huns, more depraved than the Vandals, and larger than the US force in Iraq.

In addition to recruiting homeless soldier trained by the finest military in the world (or at least it was), Stammerin’ Joe has recruited another 100,000 homeless civilians from Los Angeles alone. I don’t think I need to tell you, the non-trained homeless battalions can be even more lethal and creative, completely lacking any discipline. Plus 32% of them have a bachelor’s degree. (Stay in school kids—they’ve got dorms).

By 5 PM Friday, most of America will be under the rule of the homeless army, and as good as their intentions are, they’re also completely fucking nuts, so it’s complete chaos across the country and spreading into Mexico, which actually feels about the same.

Meanwhile in Southeast Asia, Paris Hilton is annoyed that it’s been two days since she mentioned a problem and it hasn’t been fixed yet. The problem of course, is that elephants are getting drunk from drinking entire stills of sugar-cane moonshine and then they stampede through villages. You can see how Paris related to the problem.

Well, since it’s been two days and nothing has happened, Paris has adopted a “if you can’t beat them, join them” attitude and gotten hammered with a heard of elephants.

They’ve destroyed Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam (turns out elephants were the answer), crushing houses and emptying every still in search of more booze. Now, they’re rolling into Thailand as the sun begins to set in the Pacific Friday night. While in Thailand, Paris fucks everybody and scores some coke. By the time Paris returns to the heard with the blow, all of Thailand has died from instant herpes choking their throats and genitals.

Now you think a drunken elephant stampede is dangerous, you wouldn’t believe what they can do coked up. By dawn, Paris and her yakked up army of elephants has conquered all of Asia and Russia by combining the techniques of Alexander the Great with the madness and feeling of entitlement from an infected celeb-u-twat whose greatest skill is driving under the influence of more drugs than passengers.

As Paris’ intoxicated elephant army plows towards Europe, the homeless rebellion is sweeping across the Western Hemisphere, growing virally. The more area the homeless militia “governs,” the more people become homeless. The more people become homeless the more the homeless militia-mob grows in size and power.

Fearing that the homeless will completely legalize abortion and make them available at every Starbucks (the homeless fucking love Starbucks), the Council of Catholic Bishops completely freaks out that there won’t be enough kids to molest, so they find an unlikely ally in mall Santas and join forces in an all out multi-continental molest-a-thon.

By combining the powers of God and Santa Claus, the pedophiles impose a reign of absolute terror over the world’s youth, causing so much fear that every single child commits suicide… okay a lot of it was really asphyxiation, but either way they’re all dead now so why split hairs.

By now it’s Saturday night and the party is just getting started for Paris and her pack of fiendish pachyderms. Paris and one of her favorite elephants drop some X and then snort a few rails of MDMA-- just to make sure. By 10 PM Paris Hilton is split in two, and a geeked-out elephant has the world’s largest pair of blue balls splattered with blood.

Now, without a leader or a coke hook-up, the elephants have gone completely mad and destroyed Eurasia in a chaotic and even less organized fashion, until they run into a super army of highly evolved African twins. Much like flies who are constantly poisoned and sprayed with chemicals until they adapt and become immune to everything, babies that are born in Africa have grown pretty durable.

On Friday morning, the final tsetse fly bit the final baby carrying the final disease that killed everyone except for a village full of twins in West Africa who have now evolved to withstand malaria, AIDS, famine, fire, war crimes, and crocodiles; and boy are they pissed off at the developed world for not doing more to help. This army of super-evolved African twins can take anything and are bent on revenge. They conquered Europe at a pace that can only be equated to a History Channel program on Blitzkrieg being fast-forwarded at the highest speed on Tivo.

By early Sunday this army of Africans came face to face with the massive battalion of grotesquely violent, pissed off, and coke-craving elephants, and ate them. Yeah, they’re that badass.

So now we stand with a massive militia of crazy homeless war vets standing on one continent, and an army of super-evolved African twins walking across the Atlantic to kill them. But when the two armies meet for battle, they realize they’re just alike: they got fucked by rich, selfish pricks who run the world. They shared stories about killing people for revenge and dominating the earth and declared a formal peace. The Treaty of Daytona was set to usher in an era of unrivaled peace across the globe. Both armies met on the battlefield, dropped weapons, shook hands and even embraced.

Then at 10:24 PM the AIDS quilt killed them all. Not with AIDS like you would expect, but the quilt actually smothered them with a smug sense of self-satisfaction that was deposited by one-time volunteers who donated an hour of their life over a very social bottle of wine. All the homeless vets and super-evolved African twins ever wanted was a warm blanket and some love, and we fucked that up and the world has ended.

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