Thursday, December 6, 2007

CHURCH OF LATTER DAY AIN'TS

"I believe a talking Salamander gave Joseph Smith golden plates that say it's cool to have multiple wives, and I want to be your president."

Mitt Romney addressed voters about his Mormon faith today. Personally, I don't care what religion Romney is; he's still a power-hungry, pandering shitbag, who acts like his faith will be used against him, when in fact it will connect him to the Christian right, who also claim to be so discriminated against. By now, the history of the Church of Latter Day Ain'ts has been so re-written and white-washed that, they're trying to pass themselves off as just another Christian Church.

Mormon elders have destroyed almost all of their early records because they're really embarrassing and would completely undermine their power and legitimacy as leaders and as a church. What few copies of the letters and texts that remain are owned by people who collect them because they think they're hilarious. The Church has even set up transactions to buy these texts for high prices, and then the prearranged location suddenly blew up, destroying the texts and killing the owner. So yeah, maybe I don't want a powerful Mormon to be president.

The short version of the real story of the Church of Latter Day Ain'ts is this. Joseph Smith, whose name sounds like someone made it up really quickly, was in horrible debt and wanted by the law, so he fled West after a talking Salamander named "Moroni" gave him some Golden Tablets with ancient laws from God on them. (I know, Disney could make a fortune with Moroni the talking Salamander) These were laws like polygamy and wearing that weird full body underwear.

So a talking salamander told Joseph, who owed a lot of money to people and was wanted by they law in Vermont, to get out of town, and build a temple in the West. So he went to Missouri but no one like the multiple wife havin' Mormon community that grew there, so they had to up and move to Utah.

That's the short version of the story. The long version has way too much corruption, lies, and multiple wife havin' for me to get into now. But the thing I love about Joseph Smith's story is that it's such a bad lie. "Yeah, um, a talking Salamander gave me these laws on golden plates, and told me to more to Missouri." Whatever Billy, just take your Math Quiz.

Personally, I'd never trust a talking Salamander that told me to move to Utah, much less start a church for it. Feel free to add your own facts about Mormons in the comment section.

1 comment:

John said...

I've always enjoyed this enlightened tidbit, from a Brigham Young University convention of college-level religion teachers:

The reason that one would lose his blessings by marrying a Negro is due to the restriction placed upon them. "No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood" (Brigham Young). It does not matter if they are one-sixth Negro or one-hundred and sixth, the curse of no Priesthood is the same. If an individual who is entitled to the Priesthood marries a Negro, the Lord has decreed that only spirits who are not eligible for the Priesthood will come to that marriage as children. To intermarry with a Negro is to forfeit a "Nation of Priesthood holders"....

Okay, okay, the doctrine was abandoned in... the 1970s? I think? And yeah, it's no more disgusting than the Catholic Church's centuries-long enmity toward Jews as "Christ killers." Or Mohamed fucking a 9-year-old girl. Or Protestant states roasting scholars and scientists alive.

What I'm saying is, there will be no peace until I am Czar.