Monday, December 3, 2007


Leeland Eisenberg, the man who held four hostages at Hillary Clinton's New Hampshire headquarters is shit out of luck. First off, he's named "Leeland" which is a pretty good indicator that some day he would be pushed too far, "and show us all, each and everyone" at some point.

Leeland lost his job sometime ago, and also lost his insurance. Without his insurance, he couldn't afford his pills, and with out his pills he turned into a raging asshole, alcoholic, and all around crazy son a' bitch. So his wife left him. So he got even more crazy, and tried to get help, but he couldn't afford it, which of course made him even more crazy.

So now, as Leeland's crazy cup overfloweth, he thinks, maybe Hillary Clinton who's all about health care can help him, but he can't just ask her for help-- some lady at the front desk would tell him to fill out a form. "Fill out a form? Fuck you lady! I stayed up all night working on a presentation."

So, he has to prove just how crazy he is-- a power-point ain't gonna cut it. People tried that shit. Don't sale the steak, sale the sizzle. He thinks to himself, "I got to be pretty extreme. I am crazy after all. Whew hew! Skippy Do! Elephant! It's got to be good."

So he's left with two options: he can either shit on the floor in the center of Hillary's headquarters or he can threaten to blow the place up. Those are pretty much the gold standard for proving you're even crazier than Britney Spears kids will be in twenty years, and the system has failed you.

And let's be honest, if you're not naturally shit-on-the-floor crazy, it's hard to force it, so you're only option is to threaten to blow the place up to prove just how damn crazy you are. Of course the beauty's in the subtleties in this scenario. Threatening to kill the person who you're asking for help, really puts the cherry on top of the crazy as bananas split.

So Leeland's made his point, he's fucking nuts. However, once he's thrown into a mental penitentiary, shot full of whatever drug makes him stay the stillest, he'll probably look back longingly to his days as a free-range booze loon and want out. However, he'll find it's much harder to prove your sane than crazy.

1 comment:

tommy james said...

You make a compelling argument for the defense. Very compelling. If a were a juror and you opened with that EXACT statement, "Not Guilty" would clearly be the verdict.

On a sidenote, Leeland is off our possible names list. :)