Thursday, December 20, 2007


“This is a day the Lord has made!”
“Let us be armed and scared of it!”

After recent shootings, Churches across the country are considering adding armed guards. I’m talkin’ about the houses of worship, not the fried chicken place, which is actually far more dangerous.

Of course, these are the really conservative, tithe-a-trailer, God-fearin’, secret-queerin’ middle America churches that only turn the other cheek for a self-loathing reach around--be it sexual or otherwise. They also happen to be armed to the teats, largely due to the fact that they’re shamed by their own nipples, so if ever there was a group that should espouse the old colonial, do-it-yourself theory that this wouldn’t be a problem if everybody had a pistol in their belt, boot, and hat, this would be them.

Let the lead fly from the pews as wildly as the judgement and condemnation. God'll sort 'em all out later. And by sort 'em out, I mean send everyone to hell except you, your family, and your dog.

“Your son’s an acolyte? Well, our little Billy’s a second Lieutenant in the First Church of Christ Shepherds of God Security Militia.”

Most of them are full of just enough guilt and shame for lusting over MTV and a Pepsi ad, that they would make the perfect gun-toting, church saving, Arnold Shwartzen-martyr. You know it has to be a free pass to Heaven if you're on the righteous end of gun play in church. That should make up for those urges on the inside.

"Jesus loves you! This bullet does not!"

But no, they want armed guards. These Christians are just jealous of all the attention Islam is getting from God. By seeing armed gunmen as they walk into church, it makes them think they’re in danger of being attacked for their faith and love of Jesus. Life is hard, boo fucking hoo. You ain’t hangin’ from a cross for three days while maintaining a pleasant attitude. Get over it.

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