Thursday, December 13, 2007

POP-TARD REFLUX

I THINK SHE'S Y'ALLTISTIC, Y'ALL
Proving once again that she’s on delicate and difficult to achieve balance of both too much medication and not enough, Britney Spears missed her custody deposition hearing yesterday, making it even more likely she’ll loose her kids, but hey, take all you want—she’ll make more.

And the word still is that Britney is newly pregnant with twins. If that’s true, they should fall out of her loose-hinged trap door vagina any day now. If she somehow manages to kegel them insider her for there until they are fully developed, I can only assume she won’t have another C-section, because one of the kids will just hold the big pink curtains open while the other walks out.

It’s a good thing there will be two of them, because without a second collaborating witness, there’s no way a psychiatrist would believe half the twisted shit these kids are going to say someday.

GERMANS INSIDE PARIS
Paris Hilton was in Germany to promote a new canned Champagne, for which she is the spokesperson. Yup, canned Champagne—I know, it’s a perfect match. Finally, now I can tell the ambiguously foreign guy behind the bulletproof glass in my neighborhood liquor store, “I’ll take two cans of champagne, one of sausage, and a couple of those little rose vases.” (The miniature roses in a “vase” are actually crack pipes. Tell your neighborhood liquor merchant he’s an asshole for selling them—you’re trying to live there).

Canned champagne is the perfect metaphor for Paris Hilton. It’s trash masquerading as class. It’s the extra-long menthol cigarette of booze. They took something full of potential, and then put it in a dirty, soulless, often-recycled container and brought it to the masses.

There hasn’t been a more appropriate celebrity spokesman since Jamie Kennedy teamed up with Box Office Poison™.

YOU GOT IT DUDE!
Mary Kate Olsen, who I believe is pictured to the left, is back in the tabloids, which I think is primarily to prevent straight me from jacking off to their fine journalism. Rumors are swirling around her partying again, and speculations of ramped drug use are flying around like dirty needles behind a methadone clinic.

Considering how skinny and sickly she looks, I hope Mary Kate is strung out, because quite frankly, if you can look at that emaciated and ill and not be on drugs, whatever psychological problems you’re grease-wrestling in your head are far worse than anything a lingering speedball addiction could be covering.

People keep sayin' Lance Armstrong is doin’ her, which still surprises me, but I guess it’s a lot like riding a bike. You’d think he could do better, but maybe he’s still insecure about the whole one nut thing. But considering he dated Sheryl Crow, Mary Kate Olsen, and he had like 13 tumors in his body—the man has been through a lot of shit, so I’ll let him be.

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