Friday, December 7, 2007

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SATURDAY AT 10:19 PM EST


This time it's insanity...

We all know Friday night is fuck the dude in the bush night for most politicians, only tonight will be different because a new STD, “the stinky clap,” which is spread only by fierce, confused, closeted, self-loathing, secret anal sex explodes and is spread to most all of America’s politicians. From the Pickens county comptroller to both Senators from Nebraska, pretty much all of them get it.

The thing about the stinky clap is, it smells like fierce, confused, closeted, self-loathing secret anal sex, which is rather unpleasant, and nothing can mask that shameful odor, so the philandering flesh pressers are immediately ousted and replaced by the highest ranking federal employees that don’t have the stinky clap, which is mostly garbage men, one middle school principle, and a couple of park rangers.

Carl, Bobby, Lou, Janet, Jeff, and Marty actually do a great job and re-arrange an efficient Libertarian and Socialist utopia by 3 am which thrives for almost an hour before it triggers the top secret federal government self destruction switch set to go off if things go too well and thus raise expectations too high for federal employees. So America’s most efficient government since the crown is killed in a mysterious plane crash on a flight they never boarded.

Around 9 AM, the invisible hand of the federal government crumples the last sane thought inside America’s dejected, unloved teens and sends them to the mall. Now these kids aren’t lazy suburban online-gamers or future date rape frat boys who don’t get enough attention from their douche bag, neuvo bourgeuppie parents who are too busy defaulting on their mortgage and matching SUV payments. I’m talking about the kids who have been abused, passed around the system and never loved or even preferred.

These kids know pain, and they blame the system. Everyone knows the mall is the Mecca of the most crucial, vile and damnable cog in the machine—capitalism. So they start spraying hot lead in malls across America and thousands are killed. It’s tragic, but most of the dead Holiday shoppers had cut off someone in the parking lot or broken in line, so whatever, they were being assholes.

Meanwhile, the only American’s not at the mall, the Mormons are dying too. By noon the entire Mormon community is dead from stinky clap guilt suicides.

Some simply hung themselves in their closet, right next to their secrets; others ate Bibles and lit their genitals on fire, but they’re all gone.

At the same time, in Italy the Vatican has been completely bankrupted by lawsuits for bad touches, and they shot themselves in the foot, hands and side, by over-pricing indulgences to a level that they were no longer moving enough units to pay for the sales consultant’s rhenium threaded robes. And now that their last profitable venture, selling small pictures of Saints on cheap cardboard called Santino, was destroyed by the latest killer app that delivers pics of Saints to your mobile phone.

Forced to generate income to pay off their soiled sex toys in court, the Vatican partners with the Palermo clan, and officially merges the Catholic Church and the mafia. Combining Vatican strategy with its kin, Mafioso muscle, this new hybrid criminal ubernization crushes the Corleone family, dominates the heroin trade, and institutes the second great inquisition/stomping over all of Europe by noon our time on Saturday. After a long day of beating and extorting people, for the first time, the priests can sleep with a clearer conscience as the Vatifioso holds control of all of Europe.

In America the bastard children of priest rape rise together in response to the Vatican’s power grab. The children of priest come together and fill the Rose bowl and overflow into Pasadena. When the giant mass of them occupy the same space the combined pain and suffering of them all creates an energy so negative it that it melds the third and fourth dimension, allowing them to kick your ass before they even get to your house.

First they surprise killed only the evil priests that rape children here in America, who are all now delivery guys for the Gambino family. But the violence and anger inside the beast of men is only fueled by vengeful murders as they bend time and space to hunt, gut, draw and quarter evil priests across the world, sacking and pillaging their rectory with out even leaving the couch.

By 3:00 PM Saturday morning most of America’s married men start killing their wives—not because “the bitch don’t make good biscuits,” but because the too-many-rats-in-a-cage gene got flipped in their head, and nature needs to do some thinning. By this point, so many men have killed their wife and reported her missing, that the entire police force is tied up searching for missing women, and can not fight or defend against growing mobs of mentally unstable Americans.

The crazy wife killers join forces with the nobody loved me holiday mall shooters, the understandably crazy bastard children of rapist priest, and fake bomb martyrs who take hostages at political events. Together they storm the White house Saturday evening.

George Bush is one of the few remaining Americans who haven’t either flipped their lid, said fuck all to their meds, and joined the murderous mentally defective league or been killed by them. He’s been holed up in the Oval Office with a shotgun, but the militia of madness has fake dynamite vests made from road flairs, and dynamite beats a gun in the extended version of rock, scissors, paper, so Bush let’s them in.

They don’t kill Bush immediately, because they need him to show them how to push the button to nuke the Vatican. Bush makes a deal that he’ll do it if they let him nuke Iran. Why not? So they nuke Italy and Iran. Unfortunately, the tit-for-tat “You can nuke this, if I can nuke that” game goes on a until they blow up everyone except America.

Now the only people in America are the Mentally Defected Army of Vengeance, George Bush, and a few veterinarians. The mentally ill kill squad let the vets live because they help animals, which makes them pure of heart. Now in the Oval Office, the rag-tag bunch of loons beats Bush to death with a road flare and then turn the road flares on themselves as they slowly and painfully commit well-let suicide.

The only life remaining on Earth is the animals and the vets who take care of them. Just as the clouds break and the sun shines through as the animals chirp, bark, and nuzzle, God’s massive hand reaches through the fog and thumps the veterinarians off the planet because the perform kitten abortions. Ain’t no way you can get away with that shit.

By 10:19 PM EST Saturday night, the world has ended.

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