Friday, December 14, 2007


This time it’s a pure, chaotic, murder massacre. ‘Tis the season.

Friday night Mary Kate Olsen’s hips slice through Lance Armstrong as he fucks her, truncating his legs, as her razor sharp sternum pierces his rib cage and stabs his heart. May-Kay panics, her arms flail wildly, as she launches into a textbook maniacal freak-out as she realizes she just killed the greatest cyclist in history on the tail end of a five day meth binge. Her machete-like forearms flail through the handicapped stall at Sbarro’s which reeks of bum piss and malnourished sex. She strikes Lance in the neck and decapitates him.

France immediately celebrates and riots. It’s a win-win for them, because they hate Lance for winning their bike race seven times in a row, shattering every record a Frenchman even lied about. Plus they’re into that whole, washed-out soulless eyes look, especially on girls who are so thin that cartoonishly ghoulish vultures circle above her at all times and mistakenly snack on her when she sleeps, or more often, passes out.

France is so excited that Lance Armstrong has been killed by a girl that looks just like Mom, that they become the first natural victims of priapism—even the women have a hard-on for days, as the entire country jumps on their bikes with a bottle of Champagne in one hand and their permerection in the other, and begin ransacking all of Europe on bike. It’s so fucking French.

The Germans panic as the see the giant cloud of dust and semen rounding the horizon, but it’s too late. Within seconds, they are beaten to a pulp by empty champagne bottles and adrenaline-filled French cock. It’s disgusting and even former Nazis don’t deserve it.

By sundown Saturday, Spain, Portugal, Italy, and the rest of Europe lays to waist as the cloud of dust and jizz settles on millions of beaten and bruised bodies, and the French storm into Asia.

Meanwhile back in America, Tina Turner has killed thousands of people just for shits and giggles. Turns out, Ike was keeping her in line after all. Let’s face it-- sometimes a bitch needs a beaten .

In DC, President Bush decides he wants to redecorate the Whitehouse Christmas tree. He’s got the time. But somehow after moving only three ornaments, Bush managed to kill thousands of young Americans and pop the credit bubble, causing massive panic and riots.

Surprisingly, all along, Britney Spears has stayed out of the public eye since Wednesday, and by Saturday night, half of America has died of Brit-Brit with withdrawal.

By now the only Americans left are Pentecostal Christians from the Church in Colorado that got shot up. When they awaken Sunday morning to find only Pentecostalists remain alive in America, they rejoice as God’s chosen people. Take that, Jews.

As the chruchies leave their houses and neighborhoods, many for the first time is years, they begin to walk the Earth, to see the paradise they have inherited. Unfortunately, one of them accidentally stumbles upon a science book and reads it. The holy shit hits the fan, and he snaps. Being the lambs of God, they also tend to be sheep, so when one snaps, they all snap, creating the most lethal killing machine this world or any other has ever scene.

The kid who snapped last Sunday and shot up their church becomes their new Martyr. It doesn’t take much of a stretch to compare his life to Jesus, at least enough to fool an idiot. He was killed for his beliefs as he tried to cleanse God’s house. Jesus enough. So Pentecostal churchies mimic the kid and storm every building left on earth, shooting, stabbing, and annoying everyone to death from South America to Africa and every island in between. Just like the missionaries.

By now, the only building not stormed, sacked, and raised for New Jesus is a suburban home in Mobile, Alabama that has been rented to sex offenders and former murderers. Understandably, these ten new roommates have been a little busy and not noticed what’s going on.

But surprisingly, instead of molesting and murdering the whole neighborhood after moving in, they’ve been locked in a bizarre Mexican standoff/ molest-a-thon conga line. Everyone has a gun to their head and a gun to someone else’s head, or is having their wiener fiddled with against their will while fiddling with someone else’s wiener against their will.

At 11:11 PM one pervert accidentally cums when he sneezes and starts the chain reaction of yankin’ and shootin’ that kills the last men on earth.

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