Thursday, December 20, 2007


This time it’s an intergalactic curveball…

Jamie Lynn Spears unborn child is more than just a sign of the end of the world. It’s also part of the cause. A potent combination of beef hormones, abstinence only education, and Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy will cause the largest baby boom in American history, as every teenage girl in America with straight legs will get pregnant by noon on Friday. Not only do teenagers love sex—it’s so cool— but girls also love babies—they’re so cute!

Getting knocked up is that biggest trend for teen and tween girls since Titanic. It’s more popular than ponies and catchier than cigarettes. The schools try to fight it, but abstinence only education only adds fuel to the flame. The coolest pregnant girls are the ones wearing purity rings. Teenagers are jackasses like that.

By midday Saturday, every tween girl, and a few queer little boys, in America has a baby. Russia immediately sees this population explosion as a security threat akin to the nuclear race and begins an artificial baby boom of their own, starting the world’s first international Cuddly War. By late Saturday both America and Russia will be bursting at the borders with babies. America’s, so crowded Mexicans start going home. It’s like the rats leaving the ship, but more racist.

At the same time, the Middle East is experiencing unrivaled peace and harmony as the pilgrims return home from a peaceful Hajj. Up until two Iranian pilgrims stop at a Saudi KFC and order an eight piece with four biscuits. When they order the bucket of chicken, the employee tells them they only have six pieces left and none of them are breasts. The Iranians go nuts. They’ve been fasting for weeks and just want some damn chicken, so they start yelling and cussin’ in the name of Allah.

Passing pilgrims mistake them yelling as a Fatwa on KFC, and they burn the place to the ground, and then pull out some Israeli flags and start burnin’ them too for good measure. Now it’s on. The entire Middle East riots at once, just like we’ve always wondered if they would. Sunni, Shia, Kurds, and even some confused Greek tourists come together and rage against America and Europe.

The only problem is, no matter how much they yell and jump up in down in huddled circles, no matter how much they stomp on burning American flags and light effigies that look like paper mache projects done by third graders, no matter how many car bombs they set off—they’re still stuck in the Middle East. They don’t have armies that can reach us. Sure they blew up Israel. Who gives a fuck? We’re fine.

Enter Russia. By Saturday night, Russia has matched our baby boom by forcing their army to impregnate every woman under 49 and by stealing every baby in China. Russia doesn’t know specifically why they need all these babies; they’re just trying to keep up with us. So Putin comes to DC for a summit. By 8 PM, Russia leaves at a complete stalemate. No one knows what they fuck is going on, but no one will admit it, so everybody just stared each other down the whole time, just like most international summits.

After the Russians leave, Bush finds one of Putin’s new business cards that was left behind, and he notices that instead of “President,” it says “Czar.” And instead of having a Russian flag, it actually has a sickle and hammer… and a confederate flag, and swastika. Yeah, Putin’s a dick. So we nuke him.

What Bush doesn’t know is that Russia has already formed a federation with the Arabs, headquartered in Afghanistan. The Russians have the technology, or at least some of it, to help the terrorists accomplish their Jihad. They don’t sell them nukes, no they misplaced those years ago, but they do have planes.

The Russians begin flying terrorists to America and dropping them like bombs. It’s like a suicide bomb, but without the explosives. Just gravity and a hairy Arab fucking up your roof.
Americans panic, but also kind of agree that some of those babies had to go anyway. They’re fuckin everywhere.

Late Saturday night, in a seemingly unrelated event, Amy Winehouse busts out of Jail in London. She’s jonesin’ hard and there ain’t enough heroin in all of Europe to get her fix, so she hijacks a freight cargo to Afghanistan. Unfortunately, she’s too dope sick to fly a plane, and she crash lands right into a poppy field. It’s not hard to do, they’re everywhere. As her plane bellies through the field, the wings clip across the plants, collecting the residue from the poppies and harvesting the world’s largest heroin crop in less than a minute, then she shoots it all even quicker.

The locals are so impressed they make her a War Lord. By Sunday morning Amy Winehouse has fought her way being the most powerful War Lord in Afghanistan. She’s tough as nails. Now that Putin’s dead, Amy becomes the most powerful person in the hemisphere. But she makes Bush uncomfortable, so he nukes her and the rest of the hemisphere. It’s all moot though because at 8:47 PM Sunday night, the intergalactic death star that’s floating this way will envelope us all so quickly it’s like Earth never existed.

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