Thursday, January 31, 2008



"Daddy! Look, I shot a little, yellow deer!"

West Virginia schools may soon offer hunting and gun safety classes to middle schoolers, due to the drop in hunting license sales in recent years. The classes sound safe and responsible, plus a 10 year-old learns a lot about himself very quickly when he kills Bambi's Mom. But perhaps West Virginia should look for a couple other ways to fund their government. Somehow, the success of your leadership depending on how many deer you kill this year seems a little old fashioned even for West Virginia.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


“Yeah, we were wondering if you could bring any of that down to the office today. Cash or coins, anything really…”

It's a bad sign when the mortgage crisis and the crackhead economy intersect.

“I figured, why not, I work in real estate, I deserve an insultingly large house.”

“God damn it, I know it sucks losing your house, but could at least one of these fucking people fill out a change of address form. Spend my whole damn day cramming collection notices into fucking boarded up mail slots!”

There’s almost enough information about Peter and Cynthia Samson in this picture to fill out their unemployment form for them.

“What do you mean, we’re done?”

Well, at least we know it's not a regional problem.

If you rearrange the letters in their name, it says "Credit Issues."

At first I was relieved to learn that this is in England. Then it scared me even more.

"Gimme a dollar. This one feels lucky!"

I’d like to see a graph comparing that guy’s hair loss pattern and the economy over the past eight years.

“Where’s Alan Greenspan?”

“I’m Ben Bernanke. I’m chairman of the Federal Reserve, and I have been for two years now.”


“I know. We’re fucked. Like really fucked. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY fucked. Really. Fucked."


Clearly, John Boy and Billy have gone too far. They should have learned back in '94 with Tutsi Tuesdays.


"I mean you no harm. I am a breath-freshening robot. Please place your mouth on my gun barrel."

What's the scariest word that could possibly be paired with "robot?" Boss? Gun? Maybe Shark? Not even close. Try "Swarm." Trust me, if you hear someone yell "Robot Swarm!" you will run.

Scientists at Carnegie Mellon are creating swarming robots as we speak. Obviously, they're designed to kill us, but how?

Hundreds of these small electromagnetically powered 'bots can swarm together and form one mega shape-shifting machine. So it could take on the shape of a ball, a car, or even a person.
Think of it this way: it's like Voltron combined with the Wonder Twins and Heinrich Himmler to form the world's most efficient, form-shifting killing machine that's programmed to slaughter us all, and let the giant barcode tattoo scanner in the sky sort us out later.


A Houston area woman is being charged with child endangerment and abandonment after she left her six children home alone while she went to Nigeria for six weeks to marry an internet friend leaving the kids with only a frozen pizza and some rotten fruit. Could've been worse though-- she could have taken the them with her.

Police said that when they picked up her one year-old, they could feel his ribs. Well, at least he didn't have that starvin' kid pregnant belly with flies all over his face.

Not only did she ditch her six kids, she also abandoned two of the neighbor's bastards she's been raising too, which means, this is the first Nigerian internet marriage where both parties were shocked that they had been conned into a shitty deal.

"I thought I won the Nigerian lottery!"
"I thought you had zero kids and a downpayment!"


The Mars Rover is still capturing giant photographs of the Martian landscape. One of which just came back with this image of what is surely either Bigfoot, the virgin Mary, or Heath Ledger shooting up.


This type of thing shouldn't happen to God's chosen people's army.

An Israeli panel released their findings that Israel did not win the Lebanon war in 2006. Which should have been obvious, because if you have to form a panel to launch a probe into whether or not you won a war, you didn't win the war.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


“I don’t know where you came from or why you keep tryin’ to suck on my titty, but I think you’re cute and I’m gonna keep you, little pink monkey.”

“Y’all are cute and all, but I’ve got to go over here now.”

“One of y’all hand me my pills. Try and get the right ones this time—we’re goin’ to court.”
That’s Los Angeles County Superior Court Spokesperson Alan Parachini talking to reporters after Britney Spears’ custody hearing, and that’s a guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt and doll house for a helmet, holding up his cell phone. That’s about right.
“Yeah, see, right there, the pink thing hangin’ down. I know. I still would too.”

“Hey man, boy friend guy, come 're. I just wanted to say, as a guy, we all know what you’re up to, and it’s pretty shitty.”

At first I was going to write, “Now who should’ve gone to college, Mom?” but I think the symbolism in this photograph is a more powerful angle.

What’s your daddy do?
“He serves as a vessel in America’s failing ability to separate the difference between reality and tv.”
Does he like it?
“Don't know. I haven't seen him in years.”

Sure it’s a sleazy, but last week he was selling candy bars to pay for a trip to Washington DC.

C’mon ABC, I thought dinosaurs had some dignity.

“That’s a wrap. What’s slated for tomorrow? No shit? In her wedding dress? That’ll be great.”

“What show are you workin’ on next?”
Don’t know, it’s been rough since the strike. Hopefully this one will keep goin’ for a while. Looks like it should.”

“Listen up, people. Miss Spears has requested that everybody throw these small packages of rice as she leaves her custody hearing. She had the packages specially made with the date and each of your names on them.”
“I just wanted to make people’s life safer. What the fuck?! What the fuckin' fuck!?!”

I'm guessing the people in Kentwood are back to braggin’ about Rotary and the Lyon’s Club again.