Friday, February 29, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SATURDAY AT 10:12 PM EST

This time, everything kills us…

Friday morning, the Cubans that rowed to Miami this week are granted citizenship. That really pisses off all the millions of illegal Mexicans that have been living and working here for years but have no path to citizenship. After several misunderstandings stemming from differences in slang and varying Spanish accents, the conflict escalates to an all out gang war between Miami and Los Angeles spreading across the entire country, with every immigrant in America taking sides by 2 PM Friday.

White people don’t know what the hell to do. Their country lies in war-torn tatters, but they’re also watching their chances of becoming a minority in this country disappear right before their eyes as sawed off buckshot and cop-killer bullets lay waste to America’s no longer growing Latino population.

The cholo armies barricade themselves in subdivisions using foreclosed homes as military bases, turning suburban America into a war field, but, hey, at least they kicked out the crackheads and squatters who had been celebrating the recent boom in five bedroom/ four bath flophouses across the country.

White America sits defenseless and fat, and by 5:45 Friday evening, we are no longer able to field a volunteer army without Hispanics and immigrants. Our Latino based army in Iraq returns home and joins in the American Immigrant Civil War, leaving our military robots in Iraq lying in the desert, unguarded and up for grabs.

Within five minutes, the terrorist seize control of our robots and turn them against us just like the experts warned us. The experts also told us that obesity was a bigger threat to America than terror attacks, but they never warned us that being fat would make us easier, weaker targets.

The terrorobots waste no time ripping through our soft, fleshy immobile bodies. The robots team up with the rogue lawnmowers that killed the Buddhist monk this week and program other robotic and mechanical equipment to rise up against us. Turn-of-the-century factory equipment kills every child in China, which is only a slight increase, but it’s daunting none the less.

We look to our government for answers, but they just point at Roger Clemens and call him a ‘roid head, as terrorobots and the American Immigrant Civil War destroy our country.

We ask God for help, but God has little patience for us considering how often Americans change their religion. “It’s like trying to take lunch orders for a special ed class,” He says. Then he asks, “Didn’t you see the rivers running blood red this week? Didn’t you think that was a sign something was wrong?” Then we tell God that we trusted the Chinese government’s explanation. God slaps his forehead and walks away muttering.

Europeans immediately flood the Doomsday Bunker in Norway. Unfortunately, the vault was built to withstand a nuclear attack (as if anyone would ever nuke Norway), but not built to withstand an Oreck Upright Vac rolling in and sucking up all the seeds stored to repopulate the earth and then stabbing them all with a bowie knife attachment.

Robots, computers, and alarm clocks destroy all of Europe, Asia and Australia. Africa is safe from killer technology, because they have none, but everyone in Africa dies Saturday night from unrelated, living in Africa complications.

By 9:32 PM Saturday, the only people left on Earth are the Latino gangbanging armies who used to operate the military robots and their kindred cousins to the South, living in tech starved, second world South American countries.

However, Sunday morning, the infection in Naomi Campbell’s crotch mutates into a lethal bio-terror bomb. Naomi Campbell is a poster child for our new globalized multiculturalism, as she was born and raised in England by parents of African-Chinese- Jamaican ancestry and now spends much of her time in Latin America. However, this hybrid vigor didn’t build a stronger, smarter, healthy person, but rather, a smarter, strong killer bacterial infection that is the sum of all its infectious, cultural heritage and capable of killing within seconds on inhalation.

By 10:12 PM EST Saturday night the stench the festering, bacterially infected Petri dish in Naomi Campbell’s panties has spread across the Americas, killing the only surviving humans and the world has ended.

THIS WEEK: PERJURY, BLOODY LAWNMOWERS, ROBOTS, AND MORE!

TR’ER ROBOT A new report released says terrorist robots pose an “eminent threat” to America in the future. Islamic attackbots sound pretty scary but it can’t be worse than when the Scientologists unleashed I-Robot on America. Will Smith got out-acted by an electronic mannequin.

I have to imagine the terror robots will be far more effective than the retarded people they’ve been using as suicide bombers. No offense to the retarded bombers, but there is a pretty big difference in the cold, calculated killing ability of a robot and a retard.

THE RIVER CHOP STYX A major river system in China ran blood red this week. The government claims it’s due to chemical pollution, but given the Chinese governments history of lying, it sounds more likely that a new one-child-policy office opened upstream.


DOCTOR, NO Naomi Campbell was rushed to a hospital in Brazil to have an infected growth removed from her groin area. Turns out a real Brazilian wax involves an old, rusty scalpel. Naomi was treated by Brazil’s top expert in infectious diseases, right after he finished driving the bus.




SECRET STASH Several million seeds were frozen this week in an underground doomsday bunker in Norway. Now we can sleep easy, knowing that if there’s a nuclear holocaust, there will be plenty of crops left for Walt Disney and Roger Maris’s head.

PERJURE CLEMENS Roger Clemens is being investigated by Congress for perjury during his steroids questioning. I don’t see what the big deal is. Lying in Congress is like shitting… in a toilet. It’s nasty, but that’s where it happens.

Give Clemens some credit-- he’s worked really hard to stay below the radar on drug tests. This year at spring training, instead of using human growth hormone, he’s been chewing on a baboon’s pituitary gland. A live baboon’s pituitary gland.

LEAP OF FAITHS A new study says more Americans than ever are changing their religions, which at least explains why so many churches have the word “first” in their name. 45% of Americans have switched religions since their childhood, which means almost half of America thinks their grandparents are in hell. That’s fucked up.

OH JOHN DEERE! A Buddhist monk was attacked and killed by a rogue lawn mower in London. Yes, a rogue lawnmower. This is officially the worst thing to happen to a Buddhist since Richard Gere converted his gerbil.


END OF THE WORLD WRAP UP COMING UP...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

"I've been bad."

A new report from the Family Research Laboratory says childhood spanking may lead to risky sexual behavior, hopefully years later, not moments. However, if you think getting smacked on the ass screws up a kid’s sex life, you should see what punching a little girl will do.

Also, what the hell is going on at the “Family Research Laboratory?”

BOY GEORGE IS A SUPER FREAK

"It puts the lotion on my ego..."

Boy George showed up in court today to plead not guilty to false imprisonment charges after chaining a man whore to the wall. The hooker fella' says the imprisoned molestations were one thing, but when Boy George made him listen to his new demo, he knew he had to press charges.

In the past, it was hard to compare Boy George to other musicians, but now I get it, he’s the gay Rick James.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

TERROROBOTS!

"BEEP. There is only one God and Muhammed is his prophet. BEEP. Allah achbar. BEEP. Obi Won Kenobi you're our only hope. BEEP."

A top expert in artificial intelligence said that “increasingly autonomous, gun-toting robots developed for warfare could easily fall into the hands of terrorists” and “They pose a threat to humanity.”

Holy shit! What if the terrorists replace their retarded suicide bombers with robots? That would be far more effective. We don’t even know how many of those retard bombers have bailed or fucked up the attack by being retarded. There’s a pretty significant difference in the methodic killing ability of a robot and a retard.

PERJURE CLEMENS

Kids rush to get an autograph from the man who’s more important to the U.S. Government than Iraq and Afghanistan, controlling our borders, and children’s healthcare.

At spring training, Roger Clemens has become somewhat of a folk hero for local disenfranchised baseball fans and the retarded.

Clemens stays below the drug tests’ radar by chawin’ on a baboon’s pituitary gland.

Clemens is working out with his son, Koby, who is a minor league catcher. I don’t know if Koby’s on the juice, but it would seem unfair if he isn't.

“How fortuitous to run into you right here, in front of these cameras, Astros team chaplain.”

Notice she says she believes “in” Roger, not that she believes what he’s saying. Even his supporters don’t deny he was getting shot up more than Amy Winehouse.

“I do solemnly swear to be as truthful to Congress as Congress has been to America.”

“I don’t know if I’d call them performance enhancing drugs per se. You remember the mid 90’s?”

“To be fair, this beer can looks like it contains a lot of people’s DNA.”

“I’m going to break your neck, drink the marrow from your spine, and steal all the juice out of your basement.”

“Congressman, my client is using every ounce of his strength to restrain himself from ripping all of us from limb to limb and eating any gland secreting a growth hormone, so I recommend we do try not to provoke him.”

“Would you please sign this poster as an admission of guilt? I’ve already got Pettitte.”

Any man who wears a mock turtleneck in public clearly considers himself above the law.

OBAMA CAPTURES MIDLIFE CRISIS VOTE

“I’m going to put it on my new corvette once I save up enough money after the divorce.”

Barack Obama now beats John McCain in most national polls by gaining support from independent males in their 40’s. Oddly enough, it’s not so much because he’s a candidate their age who represents change, but rather because John McCain reminds them of their more successful father.

CHINESE RIVERS RUN RED!

“Yes, it reminds me when I was a boy. I used to come down to this very river bank with my father and watch the government slaughter hundreds of innocent women for make patriotism!
Dinner! Get back over here now!”

A major river system in China is running red and bubbling. The Chinese government’s official position is that the color is caused by pollution, which probably comes from all the cancer causing chemicals in products made for America. But of course whenever the Chinese government makes an official statement, you know it’s not true, so more likely, the rivers are running red because some of those factory workers tried to organize.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

PHLOG: IT'S THE ECONOMY, SHITHEAD

I don’t care how broke you are, you should always be weary of a hotdog that’s on sale.

Yeah, it’s great, but the pill costs twenty grand and they disembowel you with the finance charges.

“It’s eating me alive. I haven’t paid the bill for this cell phone since 1998.”

They’re like lottery tickets with a penalty for losing.

"And this line here is the percentage of you who have paid tuition as our managing debt class has progressed."

Lesson in life: never bank at a place with a neon sign. Period.

“No, Ali, it’s great, you make them ring up their own purchase, and charge them for the service. It’s win-win my friend! It’s even better than selling loose cigarettes!”

“… and we can crush you.”

Bid today, and we’ll throw in their children’s trophies!

“Look, here’s the deal, if I don’t sale this house, some other lady’s gonna be standing in my yard doing the exact same thing.”

USA Mortgage Brokers, October 2006.
Unemployment Insurance Advocates, February 2008

“Wow, it’s like looking at a wall of broken dreams.”
“I know, this should totally be in a museum. It’s like Grand Central Station after 9/11.”

Some really rich guy should buy the entire suburb and rule it like a monarchy.

"Just keep spending through January 2009, and everything will be just fine."

“I should have learned how to read this thing a long time ago.”

You know the economy’s not going well when it’s a briefcase full of 10’s.

“Fuck your car payments. I want to go to college.”

“Independent contractor my ass. I’ve worked there seven years, overtime every damn day with no extra pay. Had to take out a third fucking mortgage and still can’t afford health insurance for my autistic kids. Fuck the man. What’s for dinner, kids?”