Wednesday, February 6, 2008

AN ASSHOLE A DAY: HEALTHCARE PHLOGGED

“So you want me to cancel all your appointments, so you can roll around on a pile of cash that Pfizer gave you all afternoon?”
“Yes.”

“Okay, you’re going to hear a low humming noise and feel a slight cancerous sensation.”

I have a hard time believing I need to pay $4000 for one scan from all this high-tech equipment if it doesn’t even have color monitors. Me and my buddy with a Mac can do that.

“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. It kind of looks like an X-ray. Definitely radiology though.”

“What do you mean you want to see a “real doctor?” I took a course. Yup, this looks like Spine Cancer AIDS.”

"What do you mean, 'is it optional?!' Do you think my Jaguar payments are optional!?"

“…and then I said, ‘No, I am just a person too.’ I swear I did, you should have been there.”

“Look, you get to choose your own shitty policy and overpay for it. I don’t see what y'all aren’t liking about this.”

“Yes, you have a great point about our healthcare system, but I really need to talk to you about your heart.”

“Did you want to pay upfront, or for the rest of your life?”

“and this pill gives you the delusion that you’re in a nice hospital.”

“I’m sowwy, wittle guy. We don' take yo insuwance. You have to be sickies! Yes, and maybe die-ies.”

“Yeah, if you got cash, I got a degree.”

“We’re not sure what they do yet, but the company that makes them gave me lots of cash, so I thought you might like to try them?”

"I've had a good life."
"No, you haven't."

“Take as many of these as you need to stop complaining, and if that fucks you up, go see another doctor.”

“I said, I’ll do monthly payments! I’ll do monthly payments I swear!”

“They thought I should tell you, you’re addicted to all the pills we put you on, so we can’t treat you anymore.”

“Have you seen these things called “youtubes?” They’re on the computer too. It's neat.”

"Y'all don't wanna know how I got it."

If you’re a chiropractor and you’re trying to look legit, you probably shouldn’t put a picture of you looking down a client’s skirt on your webpage.

"We've won awards. What have you done? Gotten sick? Fuck you."

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