Friday, February 29, 2008

THIS WEEK: PERJURY, BLOODY LAWNMOWERS, ROBOTS, AND MORE!

TR’ER ROBOT A new report released says terrorist robots pose an “eminent threat” to America in the future. Islamic attackbots sound pretty scary but it can’t be worse than when the Scientologists unleashed I-Robot on America. Will Smith got out-acted by an electronic mannequin.

I have to imagine the terror robots will be far more effective than the retarded people they’ve been using as suicide bombers. No offense to the retarded bombers, but there is a pretty big difference in the cold, calculated killing ability of a robot and a retard.

THE RIVER CHOP STYX A major river system in China ran blood red this week. The government claims it’s due to chemical pollution, but given the Chinese governments history of lying, it sounds more likely that a new one-child-policy office opened upstream.


DOCTOR, NO Naomi Campbell was rushed to a hospital in Brazil to have an infected growth removed from her groin area. Turns out a real Brazilian wax involves an old, rusty scalpel. Naomi was treated by Brazil’s top expert in infectious diseases, right after he finished driving the bus.




SECRET STASH Several million seeds were frozen this week in an underground doomsday bunker in Norway. Now we can sleep easy, knowing that if there’s a nuclear holocaust, there will be plenty of crops left for Walt Disney and Roger Maris’s head.

PERJURE CLEMENS Roger Clemens is being investigated by Congress for perjury during his steroids questioning. I don’t see what the big deal is. Lying in Congress is like shitting… in a toilet. It’s nasty, but that’s where it happens.

Give Clemens some credit-- he’s worked really hard to stay below the radar on drug tests. This year at spring training, instead of using human growth hormone, he’s been chewing on a baboon’s pituitary gland. A live baboon’s pituitary gland.

LEAP OF FAITHS A new study says more Americans than ever are changing their religions, which at least explains why so many churches have the word “first” in their name. 45% of Americans have switched religions since their childhood, which means almost half of America thinks their grandparents are in hell. That’s fucked up.

OH JOHN DEERE! A Buddhist monk was attacked and killed by a rogue lawn mower in London. Yes, a rogue lawnmower. This is officially the worst thing to happen to a Buddhist since Richard Gere converted his gerbil.


END OF THE WORLD WRAP UP COMING UP...

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