Friday, February 29, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SATURDAY AT 10:12 PM EST

This time, everything kills us…

Friday morning, the Cubans that rowed to Miami this week are granted citizenship. That really pisses off all the millions of illegal Mexicans that have been living and working here for years but have no path to citizenship. After several misunderstandings stemming from differences in slang and varying Spanish accents, the conflict escalates to an all out gang war between Miami and Los Angeles spreading across the entire country, with every immigrant in America taking sides by 2 PM Friday.

White people don’t know what the hell to do. Their country lies in war-torn tatters, but they’re also watching their chances of becoming a minority in this country disappear right before their eyes as sawed off buckshot and cop-killer bullets lay waste to America’s no longer growing Latino population.

The cholo armies barricade themselves in subdivisions using foreclosed homes as military bases, turning suburban America into a war field, but, hey, at least they kicked out the crackheads and squatters who had been celebrating the recent boom in five bedroom/ four bath flophouses across the country.

White America sits defenseless and fat, and by 5:45 Friday evening, we are no longer able to field a volunteer army without Hispanics and immigrants. Our Latino based army in Iraq returns home and joins in the American Immigrant Civil War, leaving our military robots in Iraq lying in the desert, unguarded and up for grabs.

Within five minutes, the terrorist seize control of our robots and turn them against us just like the experts warned us. The experts also told us that obesity was a bigger threat to America than terror attacks, but they never warned us that being fat would make us easier, weaker targets.

The terrorobots waste no time ripping through our soft, fleshy immobile bodies. The robots team up with the rogue lawnmowers that killed the Buddhist monk this week and program other robotic and mechanical equipment to rise up against us. Turn-of-the-century factory equipment kills every child in China, which is only a slight increase, but it’s daunting none the less.

We look to our government for answers, but they just point at Roger Clemens and call him a ‘roid head, as terrorobots and the American Immigrant Civil War destroy our country.

We ask God for help, but God has little patience for us considering how often Americans change their religion. “It’s like trying to take lunch orders for a special ed class,” He says. Then he asks, “Didn’t you see the rivers running blood red this week? Didn’t you think that was a sign something was wrong?” Then we tell God that we trusted the Chinese government’s explanation. God slaps his forehead and walks away muttering.

Europeans immediately flood the Doomsday Bunker in Norway. Unfortunately, the vault was built to withstand a nuclear attack (as if anyone would ever nuke Norway), but not built to withstand an Oreck Upright Vac rolling in and sucking up all the seeds stored to repopulate the earth and then stabbing them all with a bowie knife attachment.

Robots, computers, and alarm clocks destroy all of Europe, Asia and Australia. Africa is safe from killer technology, because they have none, but everyone in Africa dies Saturday night from unrelated, living in Africa complications.

By 9:32 PM Saturday, the only people left on Earth are the Latino gangbanging armies who used to operate the military robots and their kindred cousins to the South, living in tech starved, second world South American countries.

However, Sunday morning, the infection in Naomi Campbell’s crotch mutates into a lethal bio-terror bomb. Naomi Campbell is a poster child for our new globalized multiculturalism, as she was born and raised in England by parents of African-Chinese- Jamaican ancestry and now spends much of her time in Latin America. However, this hybrid vigor didn’t build a stronger, smarter, healthy person, but rather, a smarter, strong killer bacterial infection that is the sum of all its infectious, cultural heritage and capable of killing within seconds on inhalation.

By 10:12 PM EST Saturday night the stench the festering, bacterially infected Petri dish in Naomi Campbell’s panties has spread across the Americas, killing the only surviving humans and the world has ended.

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