Friday, February 8, 2008


And this time a pedophile kills us all…

Friday morning, America is shocked to wake up to see that the Super Tuesday Tornadoes have not stopped. In fact, they’ve followed Hillary Clinton across the country, tearing up houses, schools, and churches like God tripping over random stuff on the floor after a long night of drinking.

By 8 AM, The whole country lies in ruin. People rush to the hospitals with their dying family in their arms, only to be turned away because they don’t have health insurance or, surprisingly, their policy doesn’t cover acts of God, and the insurance companies have gotten a whole lot more religious these days.

What remains of the federal government jumps to action, and gives the few survivors FEMA trailers, which promptly kill them all, because everything inside is toxic. From the paint, to the carpet, to the air filters, it’s all toxic. Hell, even the bag of groceries they give the victims has formaldehyde Kool-Aid in it. It would be easy to say FEMA’s run by a bunch of monkeys, but honestly, those FEMA monkeys don’t run it, they just through shit around.

At 10:37 AM, the only people left in America are the extremely wealthy who could afford to survive a tornado—yeah, you can get that rich now— and the sex offenders that live under bridges. The homeless perverts were so well protected from the Super Tuesday Tornadoes that it looks like divine intervention, which only encourages them to fuck everything alive under 15.

Meanwhile in Africa, a deactivated American satellite crashes into the middle of the desert at 11:13 AM. Of course, they think it is a gift from God at first. That is until it starts flashing strobe lights and lasers at such a fast pace, the entire surrounding village starts to convulse in one massive fit of seizures, which they mistake for demonic possession.

Unfortunately, since the Vatican is out of exorcists and there’s no Neurontin or even any generic epilepsy drugs in Africa, the entire village dies in one giant seized together circle around the satellite demon. Unfortunately, as they one ring dies off, the next layer of villagers sees the flashing lights on the satellite and are drawn to it like a moth to a flame or one of those green flies to shit.

Of course, they seize up and die. Then another ring of Africans approaches the satellite and seizes up, and then another and another, until it kills them all in perfectly symmetrical, tightly seized together rings, radiating out from the flashing satellite, adding even more allure to the demon rumor and killing everyone in Africa by 3:38 PM Friday.

Meanwhile, back in America, rumor has it that the demonic possession, or as we call it “epilepsy” has spread even to the great white sharks off the Southern coast who have been lurching and shaking as they fly through the air. The few remaining rich people who have been holed up in the wing of their mansions that survived the tornadoes feel sorry for the poor African sharks with seizures.

Fuck the people, they want to save the sharks, and they rally behind Angelina Jolie and hop a quick flight to Africa. But it’s not just to help the sharks, most of them are pretty weirded out to live in a country where the majority of the remaining citizens have fucked children. By 5:23 AM Saturday morning, everyone in America who’s not a sex criminal is now in Africa, which should tell you just how creepy it is to be surrounded by that many pedophiles.

The remaining Americans arrive on the South African Coast with their pockets full of their dead relatives’ epilepsy pills and whatever else they didn’t like in the medicine box. The crowd wades out knee deep into the water, with a handful of pills ready to through at the sharks as they fly through the air. Then it begins, the world’s most bloody and confused feeding frenzy ever. It looks like half a Jimmy Buffett concert, the torso half.

It’s now 2:13, Saturday afternoon, and terrorists in Iraq have continued to recruit mentally disabled locals to serve as suicide bombers. As it turns out, there’s about a 50% retardation rate in the Middle East. Don’t act so shocked. A lot of it came from the depleted Uranium ammunition we used in the first Gulf War, and the rest of them are just plain ol’ retards.

Because half the area is retarded, there’s a 1:1 ratio of bombers to victims, and the entire Middle East blows up at 3:17 PM. If you think it’s strange back in America, where everyone either has been molested, is being molested, or is molesting somebody, imagine seeing a massive wave of retarded bombers clumsily marching toward you with a Koran in one hand, a sippy cup in the other, and twenty pounds of explosives fastened surprisingly well to their body.

Unfortunately, back in America, where only the perverts remain, everyone is both a criminal and a victim. Trust me, it leads to a really strange vibe and a lot of sore assholes. That is, until 3:22 PM when one man can no longer stand to watch the painful destruction of America. Partially out of fear that the molest-a-thon would spread to the rest of the remaining world, and partially just sick of getting fucked in the ass by every man that’s bigger than him, one caring sex offender digs through the rubble in DC and finds the red button.

He pushes the fuck out of that button and nukes the entire world. Just as the missiles are about to hit and blow the Earth to shreds, he mutters his last words, “it’s better this way… at least for me.”

It’s 3:27 PM EST Saturday afternoon, and the world has ended.

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