Friday, February 1, 2008


This time Miss America and Britney Spears kill us all.

After easily winning the Miss America Pageant, a well intentioned and newly crowned Kristen Haglund decides she wants to take her platform worldwide, particularly to developing countries. The only problem is, telling starving kids about eating disorders is beyond preaching to the converted and more like hitting them in the back of the head with a wrench when they kneel.

Miss America’s first stop is Malawi, Africa. At first the village is ecstatic because they think she might adopt one of them. Even the adults are psyched. Most of them dress up as kids too and try to pass as adoptable age. It’s a long shot, but it’s worth it. When Miss America arrives at 10:12 AM, the whole country gathers round in anticipation and their kid’s best clothes.

They’ve prepared for hours and are ready to compete in an adoption pageant. When Miss America tells them she’s not adopting anyone and, she’s there to talk about people in America who are surrounded by food but refuse it eat it so they can be pretty, every heart in Malawi breaks, twice. Several children’s extended, bulbous bellies explode on the spot. Another follows, then another, and the domino effect blankets all of Africa as children’s protruded stomachs blow blood and empty disappointment across the continent and heartbreak kills every adult. Miss America is a little unnerved, but at least she said her peace.

By 11:15 AM all of Africa has died but no one in America noticed because Britney Spears checked herself out of the hospital again. America watches with quizzical disappointment as she drives to an animal shelter and adopts three cats. All things considered, it’s not that crazy. That is until she gets home, puts a stool in front of the window, strips down to her underwear, and methodically shaves the cats.

She doesn’t even use shears, just a straight razor and a mug of foam. Britney has a ghostly, blank look on her face and is completely impervious to the claws scratching and tearing at her skin as blood drips onto and out of the bald cats fighting like ornery wolverines getting a prostate exam. One right after the other, she shaves the cats in front of the window facing a teaming crowd of paparazzi and thousands of gawkers, including several lucky tourists who would have otherwise had a considerably duller weekend in the Valley.

America grows so obsessed with Britney’s cat shaving that not only do we miss every single person in Africa dying; we don’t even notice that the Pope dies Friday afternoon at 3:21 PM. There is no apparent cause of death, and he’s the third major religious leader to die this week after Gordon B. Hinckley, President and Prophet of the Mormon Church and Christodoulos the Archbishop of the Greek Orthodox Church.

God’s pissed at the current religious leaders around the world and has decided it’s time to clean house. So he starts snuffing the heads of churches everywhere. (Since God’s so forgivin’, they all get a free ticket to heaven, but in coach). Of course we’re so captivated with Britney shaving cats in her underwear that we don’t even notice our spiritual leaders getting offed by the all mighty.

Miss America makes her next stop in her mission to end eating disorders worldwide and arrives in Palestinian territory at 4:34 PM Saturday. The Palestinian kids aren’t quite as hungry as the Africans were, but they still don’t have enough food, so they’re reaction to Miss America’s speech about “peer pressure” and “loving your curves” angers them instead of completely killing with them shock and heartbreak. The Palestinian kids take Miss America’s speech as a call to arms, and the world’s first children’s Jihad, the Infantada is under way.

Kids everywhere across the Middle East abandon their blocks and school books for short stalk AK-47’s and suicide bomb bibs. You can’t fit enough explosives on a six year-old to blow up an entire bus, but God damn it if the heart isn’t there, so they go in pairs. Even moderate Muslims are so moved by Kidihad that they all take up arms. It only gets worse when God kills the Grand Ayatollahs. The entire Islamic world explodes into violence.

By 5:27 PM Saturday the burning path of fire and war runs from Israel through Afghanistan all the way to South East Asia, where even the Dali Lama was recently killed by God.(He was cool about it). Everybody is fighting. It’s not all against America and the West. They’re fighting each other too. It’s Sunni versus Shia, village versus village, and old family feuds being settled by new weapons. One battle even erupts when a kid licks his brother’s dessert. That conflict alone kills 97,000 people. It has a lot of deep rooted symbolism in Islam.

Meanwhile, back in America no one notices, because Britney Spears goes to the mall and shocks everybody inside Abercrombie and Fitch when she takes off her shirt and attempts to breast feed one of her shaved cats as she browses through sweaters on sale. The entire store stops to watch as the skinny, freshly shorn, stray cat struggles to lick tuna fish off Britney’s nipple.

Soon everyone in the mall has crowded around, and within minutes, all of Southern California has swarmed the premises to watch Britney pretend to shop as a mob of paparazzi swarm around broadcasting real time images of a shaved, stray cat licking its first meal in days off Britney Spears fully exposed breast.

The entire country stops what they’re doing and watches. Assembly lines jam, trains collide on the wrong tracks, and nuclear reactors explode, because they guys in charge are too busy watching TMZ to push a button.

Miss America tries to land in Iraq to ensure the troops are aware of the perils of anorexia and bulimia, but the entire country in on fire and exploding, so she drops some pamphlets out of the plane and continues on to China, as the violence from the Middle East spreads like the bubonic plague and emblazes all of Europe.

By Sunday morning when Miss America lands in China, it dawns on her, that everyone she has seen around the world has been skinnier then her. Instead of having an epiphany on the implications of the problems our society has created out of excess, Miss America spirals into full on bulimia. While speaking to an audience of a million Chinese girls all under 100 pounds, Miss America can barely utter the words “images in the media” before she shoves her own fingers down her throat and vomits all over her podium.

The Chinese are so disillusioned and shocked that America, the country they had secretly thought was their savior from communism, was in fact this hypocritical. Combined their children get maimed in factories making our iconic blue jeans, it’s too much. All of China commits mass suicide. Miss America is shocked, but at least she doesn’t feel as fat anymore.

It’s now, noon on Sunday and everyone outside of America is dead, but no one here has noticed because Britney’s still on the loose. At 12:30 PM a dirty cloud of paparazzi follow a hunched over Britney in a maternity dress into the Van Nuys target. She hobbles through the sweat suits, opens a bag of Buggles, and tries some makeup. Then Britney lumbers to the middle of store, lies down on her back and props up legs up on two widely spread, red target baskets.

She pulls up her skirt and lets out a ravenous, guttural howl. Her stomach and pelvis are swollen and bulging. Another animalistic howl echoes through the Target, instantly sending chills through the crowd gathering to watch as Britney screams and squeezes out a disoriented and scared, Crisco-covered shaved cat.

The entire store and media circus stands shocked. Some paparazzi can’t even gather the strength to hold their cameras as they stand frozen and speechless. In their head everyone is forced to imagine how she got that cat up in there, and how long she kept it there. Just as it can’t get any stranger, Britney let’s out another gut-wrenching moan and writhes across the floor. It’s twins.

Britney Spears dies shortly after from complications of shoving two cats up her cooch. By 1:30 PM the entire country is in shock. We’ve OD’d on celebrity gossip and scandal. We’re so obsessed with Britney’s downfall, that we still haven’t noticed that the world is crumbling around us. It doesn’t hit home until we try to arrange Britney’s funeral and realize her childhood minister from Louisiana is dead. God has knocked off all the big guys and is going local.

Now it’s personal… for a dead celebrity, and America is forced to look at what has happened in the world. Panic erupts and shortly thereafter at 2:46 PM EST everyone in America is dead. Mostly suicides mixed win with the occasional symbolic revenge murder.

No comments: