Thursday, March 20, 2008

SEX TAPES ARE THE NEW HEADSHOT

"Now Daddy will love me!"

This week we learned that Audrina Patridge from The Hills, Kristin Davis from Sex and the City, Lindsay Lohan, and that Spitzer whore all have naked pics or sex tapes coming out. Can you believe it? It’s like winning Nigerian lottery four times in one week.
THE HOLES...
In a blog Audrina defended the shots saying, “I intended them to be artistic and not in any way provocative.” Yeah, because nothing shouts art like an orange cowboy hat, and a shaved cooter in a hot tub.

If you watch the Hills, you shouldn’t be surprised by these pictures, not because Audrina’s a slut, but because she’s just so damn stupid. And for the record, I enjoy The Hills. Hell, it’s one of the best written shows on TV now.

OOOOOOHHH... HER?
Kristin Davis from Sex and the City had 13 images from a sex tape leaked onto the internet, to what was undoubtedly the most tepid response to a sex tape ever, mainly because Sex and the City fans aren’t really into pictures of naked women per se, and if you don’t watch the show, Kristin’s just another fairly attractive brunette in a poorly lit porn.

However, for the few poor straight guys who couldn't talk their girlfriends into changing the channel, CHA-CHING!

LINDSAY GOES LOHAN...
Still shots allegedly from a sex tape featuring Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best are making rounds on the internet. Honestly, I though I had seen Lindsay sucking dick before, but I guess it was just the artistic merit of her acting that I was thinking off.

If you do watch this video when it comes out, I recommend you pick one freckle to focus on it the whole time to avoid nausea. However, if you do vomit on yourself while watching Lindsay Lohan fuck, it gives you more authentic experience of sex with her. Just try to swallow a handful of pill chunks and a pint of vodka before hand to make it as realistic as possible, and be glad a sex tape can’t OD in your lap before you get off.

THE WHORE...
Naked pictures of a whore are really nothing to get excited about. In fact, they’re closer to a menu than pornography, but apparently Governot Spitzer’s whore spent a week on the Girls Gone Wild bus a few years ago. Who knew? The whore’s a whore.

Joe Francis had planned to pay the whore $1 million for a non-nude spread in his magazine, but upon finding they already had video of her doing some girl on girl in the backseat of a greyhound, they rescinded the offer. Then, they found out the whore was only 17 at the time, so we’re stuck in a stale-whore-mate.

1 comment:

Alex Axel said...
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