Friday, March 14, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 3:37 PM EST

This time Nazi Gnomes from Argentina and Madonna kill us all...

Friday morning, Madonna wakes up and finds her high from being inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame has worn off, not only that, Governor Spitzer’s hooker, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, has stolen her spot as America’s top whore. Madonna is shocked and enraged to find out she’s not even New York’s number one whore.

At 9 AM, Madonna is so shattered and hurt by losing her title of America’s top whore that she decides to leave the country. Unfortunately England won’t take her this time, because they find her fake accent more annoying than we do, so Madonna moves to Argentina, because she remembers being popular there in Evita.

When she arrives in Argentina, Madonna assumes the role of a modern day Eva Peron, and rises to power with the support of Argentinean Gnomes that were finally caught on video this week. The gnomes immigrated to South America from Germany after WW II, thanks to Eva Peron’s shelter for Nazi refugees. The Nazi Gnomes flock to Madonna’s charisma, and are hypnotically drawn to her singing. Madonna has taken to singing all her sentences, because she never did any research on Eva outside of the script for “Evita,” and she thinks she actually sang instead of talked. As annoying as “Don’t cry for me Argentinaaaaa” is to you and me, it’s like Chrystal Meth to the Gnomes.

By 11 AM Friday, the world’s cutest and most magical concentration camps have sprung up all across South America and are working overtime. The pitter patter of little gnome SS boots scurrying up and down the streets strikes fear into every brown haired and brown eyed Latin American as they cower below where a staircase would be if they had a second floor on their adobes.

Brazil becomes Madonna’s Poland, and she sends trains full of gnomes chomping at the bit for some lebensraum and ready to erase the scourge of Latin Americans on Latin America. When Madonna arrives in Brazil at noon Saturday, the Archbishop meets her in an attempt to negotiate/ intimidate her. The Archbishop pulls out the big guns, and unleashes feelings of guilt, fear, and horror by using images of Jesus’ body writhing on the cross after slowly dying over a three day period. It’s disgusting and horrifying, but Madonna is never one to walk away from a gross-out contest.

Madonna simply smiles. Her smile grows larger and larger as she opens up the imploding supernova, suck-bucket she calls a mouth to reveal the entire alphabet of hepatitis and three 40 year-old herpes the size of tonsils covered in pustules full of more stale blood than every communion in the world combined. The Archbishop falls to his feet.

The Church is down, but not out, as the Archbishop pulls out the Holy Eucharist Fetuses and waves them in Madonna’s face. A flippant chuckle belches out of Madonna’s belly and echoes through her infected glands, goiters, and growths protruding like stalactites and ‘mites in her mouth. Madonna pulls up her skirt and down her control top ‘hose to reveal what has grown to be the world’s first “outie” vagina. It’s evolved past the Grand Canyon and grown into a full blown mountain range.

The Church’s fake plastic fetuses pale in comparison to dozens of Madonna’s half-hatched, spoiled lizard eggs decaying in various stages of development ranging from embryos to ovum, blastocysts, and amniotic sacks, all rotting and hanging from the topographic folds forming the Sierra Madonna Mountain range created by the rare collision of Madge’s tectonic vag lips. Embryos, bloody tadpoles, and period waste dangle from Madonna’s groin like an upside down Rwanda. The Catholic Church surrenders before Madonna can even show what’s inside.

With the Catholic Church in her employ, Madonna and her army of Nazi Gnomes find it even easier to trick the Latin Americans into death camps. It’s pretty much the same thing the Church has been doing all along, but you kill ‘em sooner. By 9:27 PM Saturday, the only people left in South and Central America are Madonna and Argentinean Nazi Gnomes, which now number in the hundreds of thousands thanks to the Nazi Gnomes planting their seeds in the purest Arian descendants in an overnight project that dwarfs the lebensborn due to Gnomes accelerated gestation period. By the time you realize a gnome is forcing himself on you, you’ve got a new little gnome crawling out of you, often twins.

Meanwhile back in America, Hillary Clinton has attacked Barack Obama so much that people are starting to believe he is nothing more than fancy speeches. By 10:30 PM Saturday night, Hillary has killed all the hope in America. However, instead of flocking to Hillary’s campaign, America turns to Dr. Death, Jack Kevorkian who is running for Congress in Michigan.

After having their hope smashed by Hillary, Kevorkian’s campaign of “Vote No Hope ‘o8” resonates and reverberates across America, partially because we are all experiencing side effects from mood altering pharmaceuticals in our water supply, and by midnight, all of America has killed themselves, except for the few people that work with Hillary and know she’s just talking out her ass and drink bottled water. Thanks, Hill.

With only Hillary and her staff left to rule America, our borders are wide open and we’ve gutted our military, so Madonna and her Nazi Gnome army cruise right in. Everybody expects a big show down between Madonna and Hillary womano-a-womano, but as Madonna approaches Hillary, the viruses growing in her body, incubating like Satan’s staph infection in a pelvic petri dish, mutate and graduate to air born, killing Hillary instantly. She may claim she’s got experience, but her real world, life experiences ain’t got shit on Madonna’s.

By 2:00 AM Sunday morning, Madonna and her legions of Nazi Gnomes rule over all of the Americas. However, down in Australia, the public has rallied around the woman who stabbed her husband after he tried to turn off her Springsteen CD. After hearing the story, all of Australia sat down to listen to their old Springsteen albums and realized she was right to stab him. The Boss is God in Australia, and a group of loyal fans see what is happening in America with Madonna.

Before they can even solidify a plan, a drunken Army of rabid Australian Springsteen fans swarm America, and at noon on Sunday, they lay waste to the Nazi Gnomes. The Aussies are impervious to the gnome’s lethal cuteness, because they see them as koala bears in pointy hats, and koalas are real bastards up close, making them a lot easier to kill than you’d think. The Aussie army slaughters the gnomes and Madonna. It’s a complete massacre, like comparing Springsteen to Madonna—not even close.

Killing in the name of Springsteen is actually more American the even being born in America, so the Aussies put on cowboy hats, buy guns, and ease into American life, rebuilding our society by 2:30 Sunday. That is until Death Star WR 104 collides with Earth destroying the entire planet in with a gamma burst. It’s 3:37 PM EST Sunday, and the world has ended.

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