Friday, March 7, 2008


This time God kills us all.

Padre Pio, the Catholic Saint who bled from stigmata was exhumed from his grave this week to lie on display right next to the Vatican’s gift shop and collection plate. By noon on Friday, every Italian and Mexican in America has left to pay homage to the patron Saint of slight of hand.

Early Friday afternoon, white America effortlessly realizes their dream, but instantly sees it turn to a nightmare. Restaurants have no clean dishes, cooked food, or even chopped vegetables. Crops rot as no one picks them. Doctors are forced to do work when all their nurses, medical technicians, and office workers are MIA. Suburban lawns grow wild and untamed, as urban parking lots turn to demolition derbies.

No one really notices the Italians are gone. Turns out even fewer of them work on the books than Mexicans.

By 1:43 Friday Afternoon, the economy collapses on itself like an imploding supernova, not just devaluing the dollar but turning it to dust. Meanwhile up in Manhattan, militant, right wing homegrown terrorist strike back after the left wing loons bombed the Army Recruitment office. The Right wing has little patience for a chess match, so they wipe all the pieces off the board by blowing up every abortion clinic and gay bar in Manhattan, which is a lot, and the blast is so big it sinks all of Manhattan into the ocean.

Meanwhile, there’s no money left in America for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to raise, and since all the Mexicans went to Italy, there’s no one to pander to. During her new found free time, Hillary Clinton discover/creates a little known Democratic Primary bylaw giving Israel 50 super delegates, and she flies there immediately.

Of course Obama, can’t let Hillary make a move with out countering, so holds rallies in Palestinian territories. Everyone thinks he’s a Muslim anyway, so he might as well cash in on it. And if you think the message of hope and a better tomorrow resonates well with America, you should see that shit fly in Palestine. It’s like he showed up at rehab with Pete Best’s briefcase.

As Hilary and Obama continue to campaign against each other in the Middle East, they tear an even bigger rift between the Israelis and Palestinians. Previous problems dividing the region pale in comparison to the polarity of the modern American political process which only pours fuel on the fire and splits atoms in the plutonium. By 10:21 AM Saturday morning, the Middle East is more war torn then ever before.

Meanwhile at a court marshal hearing in Germany, things get a little strange Saturday afternoon, and when you hear something strange comes out of Germany, you know it’s weird, and you probably shouldn’t open the email attachment at work. The two German Airmen who were on trial for making blood sausage out of human blood present a striking defense: a sample of their hemokrautwurst. It’s delicious. Turns out, the main ingredient is chopped bacon, and everyone knows bacon makes everything delicious.

Germany goes on a rampage killing all of Europe and draining their blood. It turns out the only thing worse than a Nazi occupied Europe is a modern, black socks with sandals, techno music pounding, self involved, shizer film German state. By 6:30 Saturday night, Europe lays in waste as the Krauts massacre everyone and prep their body fluids. Then the Germpires turn south and reach Italy, where everyone is already bleeding from the hands and feet, and thus a new axis of evil is formed combining the Catholic need to bleed out their suffering, and the Germans insatiable appetite to consume that suffering in sausage form.

Meanwhile, back in America Saturday night, Paris Hilton is in the market for a new Guru, after her last one turned out to be a Mexican actor from the Valley who is in Italy now. Paris hears that an 11 year-old goddess in Katmandu has retired, and she flies to India to adopt her.

Paris doesn’t realize the reason the goddess retired from her holy post is that she was on the cusp on becoming a woman and that is the traditional age to quit. I normally wouldn’t make note of a young Indian girl’s first period, other than to point out it is at that exact moment that Paris Hilton becomes her mother.

Sunday morning, Paris tries to explain the reproductive system and female body, the young Hindi spiritual leader becomes so confused and disturbed as Paris details the development of her “three car garage” system, that she sends out a negative vibe so strong it immediately kills every Hindu and Buddhist in the world.

In the Israel, people realize that with the added complication of the American political process, their relationship with the Palestinians is worse than ever. The Israelis decide to go back to basics like Moses, and everybody eats a handful of psilocybin mushrooms. The Israelis trip their balls off on a spiritual mission. They see and hear God like never before. Soon enough, the shrooms trickle across the border and the Palestinians start gnoshin’ on them too, not so much for a vision quest, but because they’re fun.

By 3:17 PM all of Israel and the disputed Palestinian territories are in another universe, but as they lift off the ground, they realize all are one, there is no right and wrong—it’s just people doing different things, and suddenly an unrivaled peace sweeps across the Middle East. The Palestinians and the Jews lay down new laws and commandments that make everybody happy.

At 4:00 PM the drug riddles Middle East celebrates their new found peace by rescheduling the Jammie awards to Israel, and Phish reunites on the spot. Every pie-eyed Arab and Jew flock to the band of hippies’ hypnotic sound that can only be compared to an over medicated test rat running a maze on a xylophone. By 4:20, everyon gets so high that they actually start to worship Trey Anastasio.
That’s when God gets involved. God looks down and sees the only people left on earth are either bleeding from their hands and feet in order to show their devotion to him and to make sausage, or a bunch of strung out fools worshipping a filthy hippy jam band. God sends his foot flying through the floor of heaven, Monty Python style, and crushes the Earth at 4:22 PM EST Sunday evening.

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