Friday, March 21, 2008


This time Joe Francis kills us all…

Friday morning the town of Yuma, Arizona will hold a meeting to proceed forward with their idea to build a moat around their border to keep out Mexicans. At the town meeting, a councilman points out how Decatur, Alabama has thought outside the box and been very successful in keeping their town “purely” American by building a nursing home in the shape of a giant swastika. The scope and magnitude of labor and resources dedicated to constructing a giant hate crime for old people to live in was gloriously innovative.

Suddenly a burnt-out skin/meth-head Arizonan jumps up and shouts, “Let’s make Nazi moats!” as he hoists his shovel into the air, waiting for thunderous applause. Everyone just stares. “You know, in the shape of a swastika! To stop the Jewsicans!” “Oooooh!” the crowd shouts and then rises to their feet cheering.

By 10:30 Friday morning, every town in the Southwest has taken up shovels and started digging racists shaped moats around their towns: interlinked swastikas, a series of three cursive K’s , and even a giant confederate flag shaped moat with thirteen star-shaped islands, each with a giant, propane-powered flaming cross.

The towns decide water in racist shapes may not be enough to stop all the Mexicans, so they decide to fill the moats with predators. After several drowned lions and tigers, they order a load of great white sharks, because they like the name. However, their moats are too shallow, and the sharks do the opposite of drown—whatever that’s called, but don’t feel too bad, because they do manage to eat several Minute Men who insist on poking them with sticks.

Finally they decide on sting rays, and the moats are completely stocked with weird UFO looking killer fish things by 3:00 PM on Friday, just in time to be hailed as “Patriots” on O’Reilly’s Friday afternoon show. Once the racist shaped moats hit the news, the war protesters who are still rollin’ from this week’s 5 year war anniversary protest/parade/party find an excuse to go wild in the desert. It’s like Burning Man, but without the artistry or planning.

Teenagers and college kids who were too young to party through the 60’s or even go to a real rave in the 90’s, finally get their chance to run around half-naked with only shitty body paint and sparkles covering their modesty.

Kids in wigs, goggles, butterfly costumes, and various other retarded “forms of expression” show up with more drugs than ambition, and the racist moat rave of ’08 hits legendary party proportions. That’s when Joe Francis and the Girls Gone Wild Party Bus shows up.

Young women, with every reason not to, start flashing their breast and making out with each other. “Make Amateur Porn, Not War!” becomes the new rallying cry, but before long, like everything else in America, it gets shortened to the more convenient rallying cry of “Make Amateur Porn!”

By 9 PM the all the anti-war kids have loaded up on the Girls Gone Wild busses and are heading to Girls Gone Wild Island, just across the Mexican border to compete in the topless Anti-war Olympics which mainly consists of them bouncing around and shaking their boobs.

All of the sudden the war rages out of control. Bush invades every country he can pronounce. It turns out, even if the protesters were doing it for the wrong reasons, their freaky wigs, and ridiculous signs calling everyone who wears a tie Hitler were actually doing something.

By 10 PM WW III is not only underway, it’s in full swing, as we firebomb every country that has less than three syllables in their name. Partially out of frustration over not being able to pronounce their names, Bush lashes out and nukes the entire region full “…stan” countries.

By 6:00 AM Sunday morning, most of the world that isn’t America has been destroyed. Unfortunately, before Bush could carpet bomb Europe, a German trend caught fire. After the woman accidentally had a new anus surgically implanted by Kraut doctors, everyone in Germany wanted another asshole. Not only for the bizarre sexual reasons, but also it’s a convenient place to carry things like your phone or keys.

The trend leaps over the Atlantic to Hollywood, where celebutards choose surgical procedures simply by saying “I’ll have what she’s having.” Getting a new asshole is more popular than making a sextape, as actress exploit their extra anus for weight loss and all sorts of casting couch opportunities, and I don’t need to explain why it’s such a hot procedure in gay Hollywood.

By noon on Sunday, most of America is getting a new asshole torn. The majority die on the operating table do to ass related infections, and the ones who make it out, have the unfortunate condition of their intestines slowly running down the back of their legs. By 3:20 PM, the only people left in America are in the Southwest town that surrounded themselves in racist-shaped, stingray-filled moats.

They may be ignorant, jingoist xenophobes, but they’re not dumb enough to pay some one to tear them a new asshole. However, at 3:45, the stingrays run out of food, and refuse to eat the Doritos and Slim Jims they’ve been fed, so they leap out of the water and kill every last town resident.

The only people remaining on the globe are in Australia. Being an island and having a little common sense can be very helpful in times like these. However, it turns out, the “suicide robot” that an Australian man built to kill him was actually a bit of a misnomer. It’s more of a “homicide robot” as it kills people, not itself. What’s more, its programming was written to continue killing. It was actually a safety feature to make sure you don’t end up a brain dead vegetable after only one bullet, but by 5:46 PM EST Sunday, “Hal-o”, as the Aussies have nicknamed him, has killed every last remaining person and the world has ended.

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