Wednesday, April 30, 2008

GHOST WRITER TO PEN STAWBERRY MEMOIR

I just now figured out why they call him “the Straw.”

Darryl Strawberry is writing his memoirs to be published next year. The book, titled “Straw,” will be different from most memoirs, as every other page will be blank, for you to tear out, roll up, and snort rails of coke. Now that’s some speed reading.

LESBIAN WITH A CAPITAL L

Spring break on the isle of Lesbos was very, very disappointing.

Three women from the Isle of Lesbos have filed a lawsuit in Greece to block a gay women’s group from using the word “Lesbian” in their name. The Lesbians are upset that lesbians have co-opted their name and made it gay. The three women appeared in superior court today, signed the legal documents, and then made out, as their local tradition dictates.

KID PLANS TO TAKE HEAT OFF JEWS

"First I'm gonna kill you, then I'm gonna kill your brother, then I'm gonna kill your parents, then I'm gonna kill your God, then I'm gonna kill the vague sense of nothingness you get when you imagine who created your creator, then... I think I'm done."

Ryan Schallenberger, the 18 year-old South Carolina kid who’s parents turned him in after he ordered 10 pounds of ammonia nitrate to makes bombs to attack his high school made an unusual statement in court yesterday.

He said he wants to die, so he could go to Heaven and kill Jesus. That’s right, he said he wants to die so he can go to Heaven and kill Jesus.

I think the most interesting part of this whole thing is his lack of faith in Jesus’ intelligence-- that he thinks Jesus is so stupid that he wouldn't see it coming-- however, being raised in South Carolina myself, I can see how he came to that conclusion.

The bottom line is you can't kill Jesus- you just can't- partially for moral reasons, partially because he'd kick your ass to hell and not back, but primarily because he doesn't exist.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

BUSH'S ANWAR PLAN PHLOGGED

"All right, here’s the deal y’all, gas is expensive, but I got a plan.

We’re gonna take some illegal Mexicans and pay them to go drill for oil in ANWAR.

Giving them a pathway to citizenship… in the United State of Alaska.

Alaska’s good for two things: oil and storin’ Mexicans, and right now she’s operating at about 50% capacity.

They’ll love it. Put a Mexican next to an Eskimo and tell me they’re different!

They’re short, brown, and chubby.

An adobe’s just an igloo made out of cow shit. I’ve seen pictures.

Then, just like the Sunnis that married the Shiites, these Alaskicans will love us and give us all their oil.

[awkward silence]

Look, what the hell do you want from me?

I gave you $600! Fuck Congress!

Blow me. I’m out."

MORE SHARK ATTACKS!

The weird part is, somewhere, in some dark basement, there’s some weird guy who gets off on shark bite scars, and when this picture came out, he dropped to his knees and thanked God as he came. For so many years, the "college girl shark wound" searches came back with no hits, then one day...

In the last 3 days, there have been 3 shark attacks at New Smyrna Beach in Florida. Well, that’s what you get for going to the beach, while I have to sit here working. Fuck you.

RICE IRRATIONS

"Dear God! This rice will only last me 5 years!"

National warehouse chains like Costco and Sam’s club are rationing rice sales to as few as one bag per customer, which sounds horrible for Asian families, but I’m white: I eat meat, and meat eats corn. What? There’s a worldwide corn shortage forming too? Holy shit! Let’s burn down a Costco!

Monday, April 28, 2008

VERY SPECIAL ED

It takes a retard, scratch that, two retards to get herpes on your forearm.

A special-ed teacher in Arkansas was arrested after frequently helping her students between the ages of 12 and 16 get booze and a hotel room specifically for the retarded kids to fuck in. That’s odd enough, but she also allowed the students to fool around in the back seat of her car while she was driving it. One of the 12 year-old female students recalls actually asking the teacher to turn the radio up so they could do it louder.

I hope she was playing Sinead O’Connor, because I can’t think of anything else to cover the whales, squeals, and moans of an over-stimulated and underdeveloped 12 year-old bighead sucking an equally retarded cock belonging to 14 year-old mental toddler gasping for air and more Mike's Hard Lemonade in an ecstasy that can easily be mistaken for a walrus eating a bagpipe player.

Trust me: I’ve been to the Olive Garden-- I’ve heard retards eat.

ROGERING MINDY MCCREADY

Before fucking Roger Clemens.

After.

Just when Roger Clemens couldn’t get any cooler, first by being one of the greatest pitchers of all time and then by not blinking a ‘roid raged eye as he lied to congress despite evidence and testimony against him, he got even cooler by fucking country music bad girl Mindy McCready, but then he got a little less cool when we found out he may have started nailin’ Mindy when she was 15. Not cool. Not even for the Rocket. Billy Ray, watch your daughter.

REVEREND WRIGHT PHLOGGED

“You hear that?"
Yeah, it’s the sound of Obama’s campaign screeching to a halt. Way to go, ass face.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

"Huh."

“You see these are double quotes. That’s when I’m quotin’ a quote. You can’t judge me.”

“And do you take this woman to be your wife?”
“I do.”
"God damn America! Kiss the bride!”

“The Twin Towers were built high like the tower of Babel and stood in great glory, but look at the tapes, they’re god damned squibs blowin’ out the windows!”

The right wing is going to hate anything anyone wearing this robe says.

Black Christians present a conflict for the religious right. On the one hand, they have to love them because they’re Christians. On the other hand, they’re black, and that’s like the opposite of Jesus.

I can buy that the government has done a lot of things to intentionally screw black people, but inventing AIDS?
Wear a condom. Get a clean needle.

“Then I rolled Barak over, smacked his ass, and fucked it.”

"Two times!"

“Thank you. Good night. God damn America. God damn America!”

Friday, April 25, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SATURDAY AT 10:29 PM EST


With a single handshake at 8:03 Friday morning, Jimmy Carter ushers an era of peace and prosperity into the Middle East. Jews and Arabs hug, olive branches are passed around, and white doves soar freely with no threat of being taken down by an rpg. All of this infuriates George Bush, so he launches a small nuclear arsenal towards the Gaza Strip.

After just 5 minutes of peace, all of the Middle East and South East Asia are ablaze in war. Bush immediately sends a fleet of attack gliders in to stoke the fire. However when the Special Forces Angels of Death are crossing over Italy on their way to Iran, they run into not just one, but hundreds of Brazilian Priests dangling below a bunch of shriveling helium balloons.

The United States Angels of Death show no mercy for 19th century style dare devil priests caught in a holy trade wind. The Angels of Death live by the mantra, “there’s only two things in this world: me and shit I gotta kill.” They dive through the priests, slashing ropes, popping balloons, and ripping limbs from bodies. Then they do a loop-d-loop and spin back into formation.

At exactly 12 noon on Friday, the priest’s bodies come crashing down on the pilgrims worshipping Padres Pios’ exhumed corpse at the Vatican. Everybody freaks out and scrambles, except for a few coy Cardinals who giggle and sing “It’s Raining Men” over under a ledge.

Parishioners are crushed as the priests whaling bodies hurdle to the Earth. All the Catholic pilgrims panic and convince themselves its God’s will, so they beat each other to death with the parts of the priests that fell on them from the Heaven. But of course Christians are apostolic and have to spread the word, so the movement grows virally as all of Europe is beaten to a bloody pulp by clubs fashioned from fallen priests’ femurs.

Back in America, the $600 tax rebate checks start coming in, and as it turns out, it’s just enough to pay for the paper work to let the bank repossess your house, and by 8:32 PM Saturday night, millions of Americans are instantly made homeless. In fact, due to the recession, 99% of America is now poor enough to be considered problematic by the judgment matrix installed in the BumBot. Built by a former Marine with a chip on his shoulder and a distaste for people who are down on their luck, the BumBot coldly and calculatedly judges, kills, and mocks most of America.

By 10 AM Saturday morning, the BumBot’s killing rampage has reached a crescendo, killing more than half of America. We’re a country in crisis, with no leader. Hillary Clinton sees that we are a country divided-- torn apart by social issues and the BumBot. So Hillary steps forward with decisive leadership, and clubs Barak Obama in the back of his head with the butt of a Colt .45 and puts three rounds behind his ear.

With Obama, all of the remaining hope in America dies, so everybody just watches reality TV. Saturday night, Fox airs a new updated edition of “When Animals Attack” featuring Rocky, the Hollywood bear that are his trainer. Americans watch and giggle numbly learning nothing, but a larger message resonates with their pets. Suddenly at 9:17 PM every American animal turns on us humans and they devour every last one of us.

They could have done it all along, they just needed a leader. By 10:29 PM EST, we are all dead, and the world is over.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

DEATH FROM ABOVE!

“You know the deal: give me your watch, your wallet, and your women. What’s that candle stick made out of?”

The military is testing a new weapon called the Gryphon attack glider. Congratulations America, we found a way to even make gliding violent.

Special Forces troops would be able to jump out of planes at 30,000 feet and glide at 135 mph with 100 lbs of weaponry. But they wouldn’t need any of it, because if this guy swoops down into Iraq at 135 mph with wings on his back and a mothra helmet and mask, he won’t need to shoot a single haji-- everyone will just shit themselves and have a heart attack.

SOON TO BE RESIDENT BUSH TALKS OUT HIS ASS

"Put 'er there. An official Palestinian state-- starting January 20, 2009."

President Bush said today that he’s confident in the creation of a Palestinian state, but then again he’s also a confident creationist, so I wouldn’t make any travel plans yet.

BEAR ATTACK!

"My contract said I get a Star Wagon!"

Rocky, a 5 year-old Grizzly bear who’s been in movies like “Semi-Pro” and many others killed his trainer during a filming this week. Other trainers say the bear showed no signs of aggression or any threat before the attack. Yeah, well maybe you shouldn’t have taught him to act.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

CLINTON AND OBAMA PHLOG #813

If she wins, will she stop pointing after the campaign is over? Or is that just how she enters rooms now?

What do the people she points at do? Do they point back? Or do they just freeze up awkwardly?

Forty years ago, that wave would have elicited this response: “Shit, put your books in that chair and your sandwich on the table here—make it look like someone’s sitting there.”

“Mrs. Clinton you just won the 1908 Pennsylvania primary.”
“Mmm, Bravo. Bravo.”

Here’s the deal, Hillary Clinton is horribly afraid of old people and completely uncomfortable around them, but she still gets their vote because they’re racist.

...and she smells familiar.

Barak Hussein Obama’s barber is a terrorist. Hillary Clinton has 17 patriots construct her hair.

“Excuse me ma’am, I was wondering if you could tell me which one of these candidates is the terrorist negro?”

Mostly old people and women like Hillary. We’ve marginalized them for years. Why stop now?

I can’t tell if Obama really looks that much more presidential than Hillary, or if the AP photographers just hate her. Probably both.

Hillary’s little sister has opted not to have any facelifts or botox but still loves her.

“The Hill loves you, baby.”

Americans bend over and take it in yet another election.

Is Obama campaigning at a crime scene? That’s not gonna play well on Fox News.

It’s time for “Got Milk?” slogan derivatives to fucking stop. You’re ripping off the national dairy council’s ad campaign from 1993. Put a little effort into life.

Getting endorsed by John Mellencamp in Indiana is like having Jesus put your sign in his yard in South Carolina.

We can all relax, because supporters of Hillary Clinton, like that girl with the glasses, don’t often reproduce-- though they do adopt, but I don't know if foreign babies can vote.

A man who brings boxing gloves to a Hillary Clinton rally is gay. It’s an odd equation, but always true.

2:1 odds that old man pees in the voting booth. I can’t wait till I can get away with that shit.

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