Tuesday, April 8, 2008

THE 'HOLES PHLOGGED

I like the Hills. It reminds me that no matter how popular reality TV gets, you still need writers to make a hit show. Truth is better than fiction, my ass.

Lauren was the star, but she’s never had a sex tape or nude pics. She doesn’t even stick her ass out in public, and her boobs have never fallen out in front of a camera.

Audrina on the other hand...

Audrina’s turned into the breakout celebutard on the internet. Any mention of Audrina, like “Audrina topless,” or “Audrina Nude,” or “Audrina in that ridiculous orange cowboy hat” gets thousands of hits. The good news is: the pics are real. The bad news is: her tits are not.

I just can’t get past the orange cowboy hat. I’m trying to, but I can’t.

It takes a lot to make a straight man call a nude picture “tacky.” But you’ve done it, tasteless slut.

I’m guessing Audrina’s running because she’s scared of the waves. Or Justin Bobby’s fucking two girls on her towel.

It’ll never work out with Audrina and Justin Bobby. Just look at their eyes-- they do completely different drugs.

My theory on Justin Bobby is this: the producers show up at his house and throw him in an old beat up van, drive him to wherever they’re shooting the scene, kick him out of the van and then tell him there’s a speedball and a girl who’s new to town on the other side of the room, and just shoot whatever the hell happens. Then Audrina cries, and they throw him in the van again.

Then there’s these two colostomy bags.

“Hey look, it’s that photographer we hired to fake paparazzi pictures!”

It’s one thing to whore your girlfriend out for fake paparazzi, invasion of privacy, voyeur beater pics in the desperate race for a career in “reality”…

But it’s a whole ‘nother thing to whore her out doggy style.

I don’t know which is closer to being authentic: Heidi, Spencer, or Taco Bell.

Heidi’s such a bad actress, she can’t even act like herself being a whore in a still picture.

Someday our kids will look at this and say, “what part of that did you think was real?”

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