Friday, April 25, 2008


With a single handshake at 8:03 Friday morning, Jimmy Carter ushers an era of peace and prosperity into the Middle East. Jews and Arabs hug, olive branches are passed around, and white doves soar freely with no threat of being taken down by an rpg. All of this infuriates George Bush, so he launches a small nuclear arsenal towards the Gaza Strip.

After just 5 minutes of peace, all of the Middle East and South East Asia are ablaze in war. Bush immediately sends a fleet of attack gliders in to stoke the fire. However when the Special Forces Angels of Death are crossing over Italy on their way to Iran, they run into not just one, but hundreds of Brazilian Priests dangling below a bunch of shriveling helium balloons.

The United States Angels of Death show no mercy for 19th century style dare devil priests caught in a holy trade wind. The Angels of Death live by the mantra, “there’s only two things in this world: me and shit I gotta kill.” They dive through the priests, slashing ropes, popping balloons, and ripping limbs from bodies. Then they do a loop-d-loop and spin back into formation.

At exactly 12 noon on Friday, the priest’s bodies come crashing down on the pilgrims worshipping Padres Pios’ exhumed corpse at the Vatican. Everybody freaks out and scrambles, except for a few coy Cardinals who giggle and sing “It’s Raining Men” over under a ledge.

Parishioners are crushed as the priests whaling bodies hurdle to the Earth. All the Catholic pilgrims panic and convince themselves its God’s will, so they beat each other to death with the parts of the priests that fell on them from the Heaven. But of course Christians are apostolic and have to spread the word, so the movement grows virally as all of Europe is beaten to a bloody pulp by clubs fashioned from fallen priests’ femurs.

Back in America, the $600 tax rebate checks start coming in, and as it turns out, it’s just enough to pay for the paper work to let the bank repossess your house, and by 8:32 PM Saturday night, millions of Americans are instantly made homeless. In fact, due to the recession, 99% of America is now poor enough to be considered problematic by the judgment matrix installed in the BumBot. Built by a former Marine with a chip on his shoulder and a distaste for people who are down on their luck, the BumBot coldly and calculatedly judges, kills, and mocks most of America.

By 10 AM Saturday morning, the BumBot’s killing rampage has reached a crescendo, killing more than half of America. We’re a country in crisis, with no leader. Hillary Clinton sees that we are a country divided-- torn apart by social issues and the BumBot. So Hillary steps forward with decisive leadership, and clubs Barak Obama in the back of his head with the butt of a Colt .45 and puts three rounds behind his ear.

With Obama, all of the remaining hope in America dies, so everybody just watches reality TV. Saturday night, Fox airs a new updated edition of “When Animals Attack” featuring Rocky, the Hollywood bear that are his trainer. Americans watch and giggle numbly learning nothing, but a larger message resonates with their pets. Suddenly at 9:17 PM every American animal turns on us humans and they devour every last one of us.

They could have done it all along, they just needed a leader. By 10:29 PM EST, we are all dead, and the world is over.

No comments: