Saturday, April 12, 2008


Saturday morning at 10:25 AM, the 400 young ladies taken from Warren Jeff’s polygamist compound in Texas are released into society. Unfortunately as soon as they step into the real world, they get beaten to a bloody, maladjusted pulp by a bunch of teenage girls who put it on youtube.

God’s not a Mormon, but these girls have been through enough, so he strikes back at America by destroying the attention-starved pubescent pugilists’ hopes and dreams as he sets every stripper in the country on fire like the woman in Louisiana.

The strippers and down… and out, but that’s nothing new for them. They bounce back by getting emergency skin grafts and are back at work Saturday night by 8 O’clock. However, in order to get the skin so fast, they had to settle for scraps from dead Iraqi jihadists, but the “dancers” are back on stage and lonely men’s laps before their manager can dock their pay with the back of his hand.

Unfortunately, just like the man in South Carolina who received an artificial heart, then married the donor’s widow, and killed himself the same way as the first guy did, the dead jihadists’ skin takes over the strippers, sparking the sexiest insurgency since the Isle of Lesbos earned her name.

You’d be surprised what can happen when you combine militant Islam, an absent father, an AK-47, and a pole. By 9 PM Tittyhad grips America. Meanwhile on the West Coast, a old, retired, Chinese Olympic gymnast, sick of being pelted by veggie burritos and dreadlock beads by kids who can’t even find Tibet on a map, bends down and lights some scrub brush with the Olympic torch. Within minutes, all of California is broiled by the Olympic flame as it sprints across the country crushing and devouring towns like covertly drugged athletes continuously shattering world records.

Americans are stranded to burn alive, because all the flights have been canceled after the airlines discovered it was more profitable to take government bailouts then actually run a decent business. American Airlines ushers in the new business model as the corporate equivalence of a Virginia Slims-smoking mother of four, reselling the diapers she bought with food stamps for cash.

As America burns and broils in the Uncivil Stripper War, the incestuous father-daughter couple that went on 60 Minutes in Australia has launched a trend more popular than abusing the aborigines, as Aussie men knock up their daughters, and their daughters’ daughters, creating an instant generation of island-evolved, genetically mutated, incest babies with two heads, five feet, and eight arms. For once Australians are heard crying, “Oi! A baby ate my dingo!”

The super freak incest babies are taken to India to be worshiped as Hindu deities like their baby born with two faces, or the one with eight legs. Say what you will about Christianity, but at least Jesus had 10 fingers and 10 toes.

However, Sunday afternoon at 3 PM, when the Aussie children from tight families and loose mothers arrive in India, they begin eating everyone and everything, from people to furniture-- it all tastes like curry, and the two headed incest baby plague sieges the continent with no natural predator.

Meanwhile, hovering miles above the planet, the aliens that have been throwing meteorites at some Bosnian guy’s house for shits and giggles see the swarms of over-bread Aussie mutant babies ravaging the planet and freak out. It’s all good fun to repeatedly destroy a crazy Bosnian man’s roof on a weekly basis, but these inbred babies are nothing to fuck with. The aliens hurl a giant meteorite at Earth, destroying us all instantly at 3:33 PM Sunday Afternoon, not even allowing enough time for that doomsday cult holed up in a cave in Russia to gloat.

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