Thursday, May 29, 2008
For three months in 2005, McClellan thought he had found a constitutional loop hole by answering all of the press’s questions by pointing.
"Two syllables… first one’s 'quag…'"
“I told them you’re coked up.”
It’s no excuse for being soulless, but I get the feeling Scott McClellan looked like this when he was 18.
If I were Scott, I’d grow a mustache. It won’t make up for all the deceit and douchebaggery, but at least it’ll indicate it.
“I deserve this, I’m a good person. I deserve this, I’m a good person. I deserve this, oh fuck.”
McClellan is looking at that Today show camera like it’s St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
“What do you mean ‘give me an example?’ Didn’t you watch a single press conference I did?”
“I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell, and I have the build for an early heart attack. Mother fucker.”
“Scott, I need you to shove that big gray one up your ass. Can you do that for me?”
Bush is the kind of guy that will make you abandon your personal morals, sacrifice your life and family, and even betray your country all for him. Then he’ll fire you and do that creepy thing with his finger in your palm when he shakes your hand goodbye.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A Canadian couple has been arrested after offering their baby for sale on Craigslist for $10,000 Canadian. Most shocking of all? That’s more than $10,000 American. Good God, we’re fucked.
However, Craigslist clearly isn’t catching on in Europe, as a German couple was arrested for putting their baby up for sale on Ebay, for just 1 euro. The German couple claims it was a joke, which I believe, first off, because it's not that funny, and they're German. Secondly, German babies aren't just white, they're some of the whitest babies around, so the idea of selling one for just a euro is clearly in jest. Hell, Asian babies are even expensive, and they're fucking every where.
But in the end, I think I’d rather go to jail in Berlin than try to explain a joke to a German court.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Two swimmers were killed and one was maimed by sharks off the coast of Mexico yesterday. In response, Mexico has called in their Navy to fight the killer fish. Who will win in this battle between the sharks and el Navy? Well, let’s just say, before today, I knew sharks existed, and I can guarantee they won’t be eliminated do to budgetary constraints next year.
Want more shark attacks? Here, here, and here
If these kids got an education, they could better their lives, and not get shot in the ass for a living, but John McCain doesn’t want that, because old people are mean.
"I was deeply dismayed and disturbed that my comment would be construed in a way that flies in the face of everything I stand for -- and everything I am fighting for in this election, but… it’d sure be a pity to see a nigger get shot. Am I wrong?”
“You should NOT go kill Barak Obama. Each of you should not go home, you should not get the .38 out of the drawer, and you should not come back and not squeeze three rounds behind Obama’s ear.”
“It’s not like I’m going to shoot him. No. That’s where you come in.”
“I’m just saying… you love guns… and you hate black people…”
“It’s 3 AM, and the phone is ringing. Who do you want answering it? A black guy with a bullet in the back of his head? Or the white lady that put it there?”
“But America is a very resilient and creative nation. You could stab him too.”
“What the hell do you want me to say? It’s not like anyone shot him… yet.”
“Hey look! It’s that crazy skinhead we hired!”
“Act like you don’t know him, dear.”
“Hmmm, but what if someone shot Hillary… how upset would Chelsea be?”
Maybe Hillary points just so she will have three fingers pointing back at her. No one else is.
If you could see the rest of that sign in the upper right hand, it says “Hillary = Electarded”
Friday, May 23, 2008
It all starts in
Self-loathing, closeted homosexuals take to the streets and protest, claiming the measure will lead to more flag burning, while big city fancy folk argue that those flags were already flaming. Daytime denying, nornal taint licking AM talk radio hosts, preachers, and politicians immediately bring the issues to the polls by noon Friday.
Not only does the American public vote to take away Queerifornians right to marry, they also literally force them into closets. After seven minutes of heaven, the gays immediately grow incensed. While their human rights are trampled on here in
3:00 PM Friday afternoon on Lou Dobbs, gay activists bring this to the nation’s attention, to which
The timing couldn’t be worse, as
Saturday morning at 9:34 AM, the McCain camp sees how low their numbers are with God-fearing, sinful cum-smearing, backwoods, deer-stand-handjob queers, so they decide to attack
Even Hillary jumps on board, as she has decided the best way to the democratic nomination is through the most conservative Republicans. The two delusional candidates go on a killing rampage, mauling everybody who is different from a photo they once saw of a middle-American family.
Meanwhile, back in
That really pisses God off, so to punish
Thursday, May 22, 2008
If season one of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” didn’t stop this from ever happening, I really though season two would.
And like that, the 2008 electoral tide turns back the Republicans.
I’m guessing it’s deep seeded emotional issues stemming from a lack of personal identity and ability to trust that are keeping this person from marriage, not the law.
That guy in the middle’s so gay he’s coming on to the camera.
For 34 years Shelly has stood by Ellen, despite her complete lack of comfort with public displays of emotion.
What better way to celebrate the right to marriage than with a night of anonymous sex with a stranger you met on the street?
That’s a pretty tacky frame for a gay man.
That night, a
A rat tail, an ill-fitting orange hat paired with a red checked shirt and elastic waist pants? That man’s not gay at all! NARC!
Marriages were performed in order of likelihood anyone else would ever marry them/
An ingenious, chubby 13 year-old boy masquerades as a lesbian to finally get some action.
Notice, of all the protesters, the men are all standing next to men, and the women, women. Awfully close too.
Andrew Pugno, a lawyer for protectmarriage.com is not married and works with his local Boy Scout troop… Hmm…
Over 100 explosions have been recorded on the moon in the past two and a half of years. Scientists say the violent blasts are the equivalence of 500 tons of TNT and are probably caused by planting the American flag there. Those colors may not run, but they sure do make a lot of shit to blow up.