Thursday, May 29, 2008

MONKEYS CONTROL ROBOTS WITH THEIR BRAINS!

If only we had left the monkeys and robots as enemies... everything could have been different then...

A new report shows that monkeys  have learned to operate robotic arms using only their brains. While the study shows hope for amputees, the rest of us limb-having humans dread having to explain to paraplegics that we're more worried about monkeys controlling robots with their brains than how they get their damn jello in their mouths.

SCOTT MCCLELLAN FINALLY GROWS A PAIR: PHLOG

For three months in 2005, McClellan thought he had found a constitutional loop hole by answering all of the press’s questions by pointing.

"Two syllables… first one’s 'quag…'"

“I told them you’re coked up.”

It’s no excuse for being soulless, but I get the feeling Scott McClellan looked like this when he was 18.

If I were Scott, I’d grow a mustache. It won’t make up for all the deceit and douchebaggery, but at least it’ll indicate it.

“I deserve this, I’m a good person. I deserve this, I’m a good person. I deserve this, oh fuck.”

McClellan is looking at that Today show camera like it’s St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.

“What do you mean ‘give me an example?’ Didn’t you watch a single press conference I did?”

“I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell, and I have the build for an early heart attack. Mother fucker.”

“Scott, I need you to shove that big gray one up your ass. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes sir”

"Further!"

Bush is the kind of guy that will make you abandon your personal morals, sacrifice your life and family, and even betray your country all for him. Then he’ll fire you and do that creepy thing with his finger in your palm when he shakes your hand goodbye.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

WHITE BABIES FOR SALE!

You can't buy a baby. Just take it.

A Canadian couple has been arrested after offering their baby for sale on Craigslist for $10,000 Canadian. Most shocking of all? That’s more than $10,000 American. Good God, we’re fucked.

However, Craigslist clearly isn’t catching on in Europe, as a German couple was arrested for putting their baby up for sale on Ebay, for just 1 euro. The German couple claims it was a joke, which I believe, first off, because it's not that funny, and they're German. Secondly, German babies aren't just white, they're some of the whitest babies around, so the idea of selling one for just a euro is clearly in jest. Hell, Asian babies are even expensive, and they're fucking every where.

But in the end, I think I’d rather go to jail in Berlin than try to explain a joke to a German court.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

MEXICAN NAVY DECLARES WAR ON SHARKS!

Rear Admiral Garcia is in charge of making the motorboat noise.

Two swimmers were killed and one was maimed by sharks off the coast of Mexico yesterday. In response, Mexico has called in their Navy to fight the killer fish. Who will win in this battle between the sharks and el Navy? Well, let’s just say, before today, I knew sharks existed, and I can guarantee they won’t be eliminated do to budgetary constraints next year.

Want more shark attacks? Here, here, and here

JOHN MCCAIN HATES VETS, SELF

"I said it was a shaving accident, now what the fuck do you want to do about it?"

John McCain explained that he did not vote for the new GI Bill which gives educational benefits to vets last week because he claims it would hurt military retention rates. So what he’s basically saying is he wants our troops’ life options to be so limited that they have to stay in the military.

If these kids got an education, they could better their lives, and not get shot in the ass for a living, but John McCain doesn’t want that, because old people are mean.

HILLARY THREATENS TO KILL OBAMA: PHLOG

"I was deeply dismayed and disturbed that my comment would be construed in a way that flies in the face of everything I stand for -- and everything I am fighting for in this election, but… it’d sure be a pity to see a nigger get shot. Am I wrong?”

“You should NOT go kill Barak Obama. Each of you should not go home, you should not get the .38 out of the drawer, and you should not come back and not squeeze three rounds behind Obama’s ear.”

“It’s not like I’m going to shoot him. No. That’s where you come in.”

“It can’t be a coincidence that all your targets at the pistol range look like a black man. This is why.”

“I’m just saying… you love guns… and you hate black people…”

“It’s 3 AM, and the phone is ringing. Who do you want answering it? A black guy with a bullet in the back of his head? Or the white lady that put it there?”

“But America is a very resilient and creative nation. You could stab him too.”

“What the hell do you want me to say? It’s not like anyone shot him… yet.”

“Hey look! It’s that crazy skinhead we hired!”
“Act like you don’t know him, dear.”

“Hmmm, but what if someone shot Hillary… how upset would Chelsea be?”

Maybe Hillary points just so she will have three fingers pointing back at her. No one else is.

If you could see the rest of that sign in the upper right hand, it says “Hillary = Electarded”

Friday, May 23, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 2:27 PM EST


It all starts in San Francisco where the ninth circuit court of appeals recently gave gay couples the right to marry in California. However, they may have gone a little too far for middle-America. In addition to letting gay and lesbian couples unite, at 9:37 AM, they make it legal for a gay Mexican immigrant to marry a burning American flag. Full benefits.

Self-loathing, closeted homosexuals take to the streets and protest, claiming the measure will lead to more flag burning, while big city fancy folk argue that those flags were already flaming. Daytime denying, nornal taint licking AM talk radio hosts, preachers, and politicians immediately bring the issues to the polls by noon Friday.

Not only does the American public vote to take away Queerifornians right to marry, they also literally force them into closets. After seven minutes of heaven, the gays immediately grow incensed. While their human rights are trampled on here in America, over in Europe, the Austrians are moving to grant even chimps human rights.

3:00 PM Friday afternoon on Lou Dobbs, gay activists bring this to the nation’s attention, to which America immediately replies “Why, so you can fuck a chimp? Fag!” Almost too quickly, like it had been on their mind already.

The timing couldn’t be worse, as England (which is the same as Austria to people who think homosexuality is the same as bestiality) announces they have created half-human half-animal embryos. Of course, middle-America doesn’t understand the subtle differences between scientific research and fucking sheep, as they’re both perversions of the Lord’s will.

Saturday morning at 9:34 AM, the McCain camp sees how low their numbers are with God-fearing, sinful cum-smearing, backwoods, deer-stand-handjob queers, so they decide to attack Europe. No weapons, no planes, no tanks, just John McCain running around, strangling fags.

Even Hillary jumps on board, as she has decided the best way to the democratic nomination is through the most conservative Republicans. The two delusional candidates go on a killing rampage, mauling everybody who is different from a photo they once saw of a middle-American family.

Meanwhile, back in Minnesota, the autistic child who has been banned from mass at the St. Joseph’s leaves the Catholic church and moves to Texas, where his family joins the Prestonwood Baptist Mega-church. The teenage mongoloid who lurches, spits, and pisses himself during services fits right in. In fact, he’s the smartest, best looking young man there, and is promptly molested by his preacher midway through church Sunday morning.

That really pisses God off, so to punish America, he lets Scarlett Johannson record another album. As Scarlett sings, the moon continues to blowup, but by the time we finally notice the connection, it’s too late. Scarlett fires her producer in charge of protools and launches into an a cappella number. The moon ruptures, sending Earth off our orbit.

Suddenly in Africa, several UFO’s land, and load everyone on board. Not to make them intergalactic slaves, but more as a fuck you to the rest of the world, as we blow up. It’s 2:27 PM Sunday afternoon, and the world has ended.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

GAY MARRIAGE CELEBRATED, AND HOW! PHLOG

If season one of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” didn’t stop this from ever happening, I really though season two would.

And like that, the 2008 electoral tide turns back the Republicans.

I’m guessing it’s deep seeded emotional issues stemming from a lack of personal identity and ability to trust that are keeping this person from marriage, not the law.

“Acccceeeeeeeeeppppttt meeeeeee.”
-or-
"Suck it, Dad!"

That guy in the middle’s so gay he’s coming on to the camera.

For 34 years Shelly has stood by Ellen, despite her complete lack of comfort with public displays of emotion.

What better way to celebrate the right to marriage than with a night of anonymous sex with a stranger you met on the street?

That’s a pretty tacky frame for a gay man.

That night, a new city record was broken for most softball games forfeited.

A rat tail, an ill-fitting orange hat paired with a red checked shirt and elastic waist pants? That man’s not gay at all! NARC!

Marriages were performed in order of likelihood anyone else would ever marry them/

An ingenious, chubby 13 year-old boy masquerades as a lesbian to finally get some action.

Notice, of all the protesters, the men are all standing next to men, and the women, women. Awfully close too.

Andrew Pugno, a lawyer for protectmarriage.com is not married and works with his local Boy Scout troop… Hmm…

MOON EXPLODES!

"Houston, pull tower 4."

Over 100 explosions have been recorded on the moon in the past two and a half of years. Scientists say the violent blasts are the equivalence of 500 tons of TNT and are probably caused by planting the American flag there. Those colors may not run, but they sure do make a lot of shit to blow up.