Monday, May 19, 2008


“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last week, I was retarded, and then this week, I’m retarded again, and I fear next week, I may try to still be retarded.”

Reverend Daniel Walz, a priest at the Church of Saint Joseph, in Bertha, Minnesota has filed a restraining order on two of his parishioners because their son is wildly autistic, causing him to allegedly scream, spit, and piss during the middle of mass.

The situation has clearly been mishandled by both sides. First off, the priest is an asshole, and secondly, the parents are stupid for not using the speaking in tongues defense. Maybe you even razorblade the kid’s hands and call it stigmata.

You have to be proactive with these situations, because retards have a 50-50 shot in church: they’re either being moved by the Lord or possessed by the devil, so you gotta spin that shit fast, especially considering Jesus ain’t known for makin’ you piss yourself.

Now I could rant on and on about how unChrist-like it is to arrest the parents of a handicapped child for bringing him to worship God in His house, but I think this article arguing that Jesus Christ himself was autistic is far more effective and amusing.

PS: It takes more than an "order" to restrain an autistic spasm. Hell, even bungee cords don't work.

PPS: Dibs on pitching "The Last Temptation of Christ" meets "Rainman."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

wow im seriously appalled by ur language. first and foremost i love the way you display your own stupidity by not understanding theres a distinct difference between ppl who are mentally retarded and people with autism. actually theres a MAJOR difference. on top of that, children who are autistic suffer from a spectrum disorder, which means more or less there high to low functioning. it doesnt mean they are cognitively impaired; it means they function differently and may or may not display symptoms relative to the disorder such as but not limited to : avoiding eye contact, limited imaginary play, and the reluctance to be touched or play with others.... someone who is retarded can be mildly or severely retarded.. the word retard means basically slow.. so they learn and process information slower. ..if u had ANY education on the functions of behavior id school you..however, it seems youre WAY too absorbed in a juvie type of linear thinking. hope that enlightened you.