Thursday, May 15, 2008


It all starts Friday morning at 9:30 AM when yet another giant earthquake crushes Asia, killing millions in Vietnam, Thailand, Laos, and China. It’s bad news, but it doesn’t really affect us until 11:34 AM when we hear that Jenna Bush and her new husband we honeymooning in Phuket and they are both dead.

In reaction, instead of rushing aid and assistance, President Bush bombs Asia. Take that you stupid fucking planet. You’ve seen what he did to Iraq after they merely discussed killing his father, you can imagine what kind of waste he laid when his daughter was killed by the Earth. Granted Bush has been attacking the Earth for years, but never so literally.

By noon all of Asia has been obliterated. Hope you stocked up on shoes and Dockers.

Meanwhile back in the States, Hillary Clinton is both relishing her victory in West Virginia and realizing her loss nationally. After a retarded, inbred child in Charleston explains to her that she is mathematically eliminated, she finally gets it and breaks down sobbing. However the kid with too much heart and not enough chromosomes tells Hillary, “You can be mah President,” and it’s on! Hillary launches her campaign/coup to be President of West Virginia.

It’s a fairly easy: Hillary just runs ads on TV that feature powerpoint slideshows with pictures of various black people and then the words “They’re coming… Hillary 2008.” Hillary wins by a landslide, or at least that’s what she tells everybody, since there was never really an election.

By 3 PM, Hillary Clinton is President of the United State of West Virginia. They’re a violent bunch, but they don’t attack the rest of America, primarily because they don’t know how to cross the border. Let’s be honest, if these people could have left West Virginia, they would have a long time ago. Surprisingly, nothing really changes in West Virginia: it keeps sucking and staying the same, like it always has.

The rest of the States consider using the military to preserve the Union, but then realize how much better our national averages are on standardized tests are without them, so we just kind of act like we never knew them in the first place, which honestly is pretty close to status quo anyway.

Across the ocean in England, locals are pouring over the recently released secret British UFO files. The British government was simply trying to make information available to their citizens, but unwittingly launched a war, or more accurately, obliteration of the worlds. As it turns out, the aliens have been here all along, but never attacked us because they thought we didn’t know about them. Now that everyone knows they’re here, we have to die.

Ordinarily you would expect humans to fight back, but since the Vatican claims the aliens are God’s creatures, we don’t fear them. Kind of like what they did with AIDS.

Much like the virus, the aliens start killing millions of people, but without the unbridled ecstasy of raw sex and intravenous drug use that AIDS offers. Soon almost everybody in Europe is dead, and by 9 PM, everyone in Africa has been killed too, but by actual AIDS, not the alien attack.

The aliens spare only five Brits: the most elite members of the Welsh Church of Jedism. The aliens don’t spare their lives because they are Jedis, they do it because they’re such big losers that they’ve clearly been through enough already, so the aliens take the nerds on as pets.

By 6 AM Saturday morning, the only people left alive are in the Americas. However, as we’ve sat in our Lazy-Boys collecting Cheeto dust, a silent army of Crazy Rasberry Ants has swept the nation and clogged and attacked every computer and machine on the continent. Without imported technology, America falls hard and chaos erupts.

By noon, there’s not a single working computer or machine in America, and West Virginia sees their opportunity. Actually, Hillary sees it, and spends hours explaining it to the rest of them. West Virginia is the only state not affected by the ants, because they don’t have any computers. Hell, life there hasn’t changed at all over the past 100 years, and ants can’t eat coal, so fuck you, bugs, West Virginia’s doing fine.

In fact, West Virginia is the only part of America that knows how to do things manually, much less actually has the calluses to do so. At 3 PM on Saturday, West Virginians pick up the only pieces of technology they know: sticks, bats, and axes, and they club the shit out of the rest of America. It’s not even a fight, the inbred racists beat every immigrant, black, and fancy talkin’ fag they come across, which includes pretty much the entire country.

At sundown, the entire country is run by West Virginia, which actually isn’t all that different than Bush. At 11:45 PM Saturday night, the aliens and their pet Jedis come to America. The West Virginiamericans are ready for battle. It’s set to be one of the biggest fights between super technology and muddy, earth bound grit and steely determination. Except when the aliens land, they look around and say, “fuck this shit” and leave. Not because they are scared of the hillbillies, but because inhabiting a plant is like dating a woman: even though she’s hot, if her ex-boyfriend is a legitimate retard, you know something’s wrong with her too.

Now all of Earth belongs to West Virginia! The over bread ‘necks throw the smallest gene pool party ever and fire their pistols into the air, granted, most of the bullets come right back down and kill them, but some live to celebrate, until they hear an angelic sound. From miles away the few remaining idiots hear a chorus calling them. They follow it blindly until they find themselves smack dab in the middle of Washington DC, staring at a shiny red button with a sign that says “do not push.” They push it, and the world blows up. It’s 12:00 AM Sunday, and the world has ended.

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