Friday, May 2, 2008


Friday morning, at 7 AM, Ryan Schallenberger, the teen from South Carolina who plotted to blow up his school commits suicide as part of his plan to go to Heaven and kill Jesus. You’d think a guy who planned dozens of murders, killed himself, and plots to kill the Son of God wouldn’t go to Heaven, but Jesus is forgiving, and, let’s be honest, a bit na├»ve.

As Ryan passes through the gates of Heaven, Jesus waits to greet him with a hug, at which point Ryan shivs Christ in the side. But it’s no good—he’s already got a wound there. Now if this were a Bible story, Ryan would fall to his knees, and beg forgiveness, however, it’s not, so Ryan just keeps stabbing the fuck out of Jesus and eventually kills him.

You’d think Jesus would be invincible, but hell, God let him die once, why not twice? As soon as Jesus’ body hit the clouds with a thud, a cold wind blows over Earth and strange things start happening. For instance, in India, every time those idiots throw a baby off the roof, the sheet outstretched to catch it disappears, and the dry Indian soil crushes the baby like a half-wit possum caught in the middle of I-85.

But, of course, the Indian parents keep throwing babies off the roof-- it is good luck after all. The world shows little outrage, because it would be really awkward to tell a foreign culture to stop throwing their babies off the roof. However, at 8:15 AM, one of the babies thrown off the roof is blown astray and lands on a Pakistani man, bruising his forehead, and of course, killing the baby.

Pakistan immediately declares war and begins launching their babies at India. By 10 AM, all of Asia is locked in the First Great Baby War, which is a horrible shame, primarily because there’s no one to pick rice left in Asia. Interestingly enough, the First Great Baby war kills enough people so that there actually isn’t a rice shortage, but it makes good news to say there is, so the media runs with it.

Never one to shy away from an irrelevant issue standing next to a relevant one, Hillary Clinton jumps on the rice shortage crisis. She feigns outrage that Costco and Sam’s club will only let each American buy four 50 lb bags of rice in one day. For fuck’s sake, that’s only 200 lbs of rice per day!

Hillary launches the Rice Panic of ’08 with a bang by setting fire to our national rice reserve and blaming Obama. Well, she doesn’t blame Obama outright, but she says, “boy, that sure does sound like a sermon I heard Reverend Wright Preach.”

White America eats it up. The Rice Panic of ’08 gives birth to the first American Rice/Race Wars, and all shit has broken loose by 7 PM Friday night. However, America is easily distracted, and Saturday morning, news breaks that Willie Thornton and Roger Clemens have joined forces to introduce each other to girls/women their own age.

America is so caught up in Clemens givin’ the Rocket to 14 year-old girls, and Willie Bob planting young growth wood in decrepit cougars that they forget all about killing black people for a moment. At 12 noon on Saturday, President Bush decides to capitalize on this distraction, and he starts raping the Alaskan wilderness for about a cup of oil.

America doesn’t notice for a few minutes until they finish masturbating to the news stories about Willie and Roger, all of which use not so clever puns with their first names for headlines. Then once everyone cums and is over the idea of old people fucking young people, white America sees the drilling in Alaska.

As you might guess, half are for it, and half are against it, so all of white America begins fighting and killing each other until they are all gone. Except for 12 retarded kids and their teacher. After months of letting the kids go at it in motel rooms and the backseat of her car, the waterheads finally convince their teacher to take them to the beach to fuck.

By 9 AM Sunday morning, the only remaining white people in America are these 12 retards and their perplexingly perverted teacher. The kids start jumping on each others’ backs and fronts, pairing off best as possible as they wade into the shark infested ocean at New Smyrna beach.

One by one, each couple is picked off by swarms of sharks. It’s like the scenes in Jaws where you see people’s legs in the water, but instead of calmly and rhythmically swimming, the legs are bouncing up and down and flailing madly like fleshy, epileptic jackhammers.

None of the retards notice that their friends are getting eaten by sharks: they’re in the zone. The teacher tries to stop them, but have you ever tried to stop a group of retards from fucking before the finish? Don’t.

Even when they do notice the bloody water, they just assume somebody’s menstruating or receiving a rough rear entry. By 9:10 AM all the students are dead and their teacher has died of a heart attack from cumming too hard.

At 9:11 AM all of white America is dead. Along the way they killed all the Asians and Mexicans, after they realized they were eating all the rice. Now, there are only blacks left, but they pick up the ball running and rebuild America within minutes. Over the next three hours, America experiences an unrivaled era of peace, prosperity, and patriotism. It’s the best America has ever been. Then at 12:15 PM, small, localized flash floods hit America, drowning them all because they can’t swim.

After the flood, on Sunday, the third day after Jesus was stabbed to death in Heaven, he returns to Earth, walks the planet and flexes his muscles. It’s 12:17 PM EST Sunday, and the world has ended.

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