Friday, May 9, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 12:17 PM EST


It all starts Friday morning when the students from San Diego State University arrested for doing and selling drugs receive text messages from the Pope who just learned how to text for International Youth Week. His messages are simple, and clearly show a problem with predictive text, but say things like “Need help? Blow me. Really, the Popf.”

The texts messages start an outrage among the students, advocates, and even God, so God sends a giant earthquake to Southern California, sinking it into the sea. Me, you, and most the other readers of this blog are all dead, and we’re the lucky ones.

The aftershocks reverberate across the Pacific Rim all the way to Japan, who already suffered an almost 7.0 quake earlier this week. The Japanese lose their cool, and shout “what the fuck, God?!?” God merely glares down at Japan, causing the frisky nips to hang their heads, and say “oh yeah… sorry. We’ll try not to do that anymore… but can we still watch our old tapes of it?” Japan sinks to the bottom of the Ocean.

A Japanese businessman who was working in Manhattan asks God why he didn’t give a warning sign to his country, and God replies, “Didn’t you see the fat monkies?” “Yes, God, they were great, but we’re not fat in Japan.” So God blows up Manhattan too. You don’t back sass God.

Asia is grief stricken from all the death. A cyclone survivor in Myanmar also makes the mistake of asking God why, and God says, “I already showed you why, don’t you remember the cyclone?” God’s drunk. He scoops up the few survivors in Myanmar and throws them in the Ocean. “Now who’s God, assholes!”

Meanwhile back in America, conservative Americans block out all the worldwide destruction and remain in their happy bubble, while liberals start complaining. Liberal America gets so whiney that they all finally rally around Hillary Clinton’s litigious mood and protest the earthquakes in California, Nevada, Missouri, Virginia, and Illinois. “You can’t force earthquakes on us, we’re Americans!” they shout. God’s drank his way into silly drunk now, so he giggles and sends 100 tornadoes to kill us. It may seem rude, but if you can see it from his angle, it’s hilarious.

God continues his bender all the way through Saturday afternoon, sending more quakes, hurricanes, cyclones, tidal waves, and fires across the world before he passes out at 2:17 PM Saturday. God sleeps until noon on Sunday, completely ignoring prayers and pleas as the destruction on Earth continues. When he finally wakes up, He mumbles, “Holy shit, I was fucked up last night, what happened?”

An angel explains to God that He destroyed almost the entire world except for parts of South America, some Pacific Islands, and the Middle East. “Good!” God belches, but as he burps a spout of bile squirts out his throat, and a string of volcanoes erupt across South America and the remaining Pacific Islands, destroying them and everyone there. “Fuck it. I got the runs.”

It’s no accident that God has left the Middle East as the only remaining unharmed region of Earth. It’s not that he likes Arabs, but it’s Sunday morning and God like to watch war the way we watch football, and the Middle East is clearly the NFL of wars—everything else is like arena football.

God sits back in his lazy boy, cracks a fresh beer open and enjoys his war. At first He is pacified, but you know how drunks are. After watching the Shiites struggle to connect their front in Lebanon and Iraq for hours, God loses patience. “Fuck this amateur hour bullshit! Can’t you sandal loving, sand eating, camel fuckers aim a damn gun?!?” God throws his bottle at the Middle East, finally blowing it all to hell once and for all. It’s 12:17 PM EST Saturday afternoon, and the world has ended.

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