Friday, May 23, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 2:27 PM EST


It all starts in San Francisco where the ninth circuit court of appeals recently gave gay couples the right to marry in California. However, they may have gone a little too far for middle-America. In addition to letting gay and lesbian couples unite, at 9:37 AM, they make it legal for a gay Mexican immigrant to marry a burning American flag. Full benefits.

Self-loathing, closeted homosexuals take to the streets and protest, claiming the measure will lead to more flag burning, while big city fancy folk argue that those flags were already flaming. Daytime denying, nornal taint licking AM talk radio hosts, preachers, and politicians immediately bring the issues to the polls by noon Friday.

Not only does the American public vote to take away Queerifornians right to marry, they also literally force them into closets. After seven minutes of heaven, the gays immediately grow incensed. While their human rights are trampled on here in America, over in Europe, the Austrians are moving to grant even chimps human rights.

3:00 PM Friday afternoon on Lou Dobbs, gay activists bring this to the nation’s attention, to which America immediately replies “Why, so you can fuck a chimp? Fag!” Almost too quickly, like it had been on their mind already.

The timing couldn’t be worse, as England (which is the same as Austria to people who think homosexuality is the same as bestiality) announces they have created half-human half-animal embryos. Of course, middle-America doesn’t understand the subtle differences between scientific research and fucking sheep, as they’re both perversions of the Lord’s will.

Saturday morning at 9:34 AM, the McCain camp sees how low their numbers are with God-fearing, sinful cum-smearing, backwoods, deer-stand-handjob queers, so they decide to attack Europe. No weapons, no planes, no tanks, just John McCain running around, strangling fags.

Even Hillary jumps on board, as she has decided the best way to the democratic nomination is through the most conservative Republicans. The two delusional candidates go on a killing rampage, mauling everybody who is different from a photo they once saw of a middle-American family.

Meanwhile, back in Minnesota, the autistic child who has been banned from mass at the St. Joseph’s leaves the Catholic church and moves to Texas, where his family joins the Prestonwood Baptist Mega-church. The teenage mongoloid who lurches, spits, and pisses himself during services fits right in. In fact, he’s the smartest, best looking young man there, and is promptly molested by his preacher midway through church Sunday morning.

That really pisses God off, so to punish America, he lets Scarlett Johannson record another album. As Scarlett sings, the moon continues to blowup, but by the time we finally notice the connection, it’s too late. Scarlett fires her producer in charge of protools and launches into an a cappella number. The moon ruptures, sending Earth off our orbit.

Suddenly in Africa, several UFO’s land, and load everyone on board. Not to make them intergalactic slaves, but more as a fuck you to the rest of the world, as we blow up. It’s 2:27 PM Sunday afternoon, and the world has ended.

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