Thursday, July 31, 2008

OFF WHITE POWER

"All right, good rally. Now, who wants to make out with me while Jimbo jerks off?"

It turns out, Chloe Black, a spokeswoman for a school in Florida that uplifts underprivileged black and Hispanic students was once married to David Duke and now is married to Don Black, the creator of white supremacists website Stormfront. However, after some digging, it has been revealed that Don hasn’t had a paying job for years (I know, big shocker), so it’s been inferred that the website is supported by Chloe’s salary from the colored kids school.

First off, if you’re so damn supreme, how about you get a job, shitfuck. Secondly, Stormfront has a page dedicated to poetry. No shit, there really is a poetry section on the white supremacist page, with gems like this one called White Traitors":

They are the Jews Henchmen,

They take their job with pride!

They do their best to please them,

And to stay on the Jews "Good" side.

They lie and cheat,

They breed with scum,

They claim that its a feat!

To have a wigger son.

Their twisted thoughts of Diversity,

Is a direction in which they strive,

To turn our biggest nightmares into reality.

So I look upon them with rage,

Wanting nothing to do with them,

But lock them in a cage.

Because these fools will never see,

Through the Foggy Daze.

Their Lost to hatred and Denial,

Like many waves and waves.

They care nothing for fair trial,

All they ever want to see,

Is a Jew-man with a smile

Whatever, fag. 

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

DALI LAMA MAKES MCCAIN FEEL ALL QUEER AND STUFF: PHLOG

Don’t punch him, he’s not Charlie. Don’t punch him, he’s not Charlie. Don’t punch him, he’s not Charlie…

“So, tell me, as a Buddhist, you believe in karma and reincarnation. So, if were to bomb a bunch of innocent people, they’d come back, so I’d have to bomb them again?”

“But what if I bombed their soul? Would that kill ‘em for good?”

Is McCain uncomfortable with…

A) Touching another man’s hand

B) The Christian base’s approval

C) His hemroids.

It looks like he’s trying to quickly and discreetly usher a whore into a motel room before anyone sees him.

“Oh God, is this turning into an orgy?!?”

McCain is looking at the Dali Lama like he’s a trail of snot stuck on his sleeve that he hopes no one has noticed.

Good God! They’re taking the Dali Lama behind the barn Old Yeller style.

“Yes, I like Colorado very much. However, these two shit heads are pissing me off.”

“Look! I’ve got a youth vote!” 

“Oh John! He’s just making fun of you.”

Holy shit, it looks like someone left Cindy in the dryer for too long!

“Thank you for your support sir, but please stop touching my face. It’s really creepy and your hands are clammy and old.”

That sign says “energy solutions” but all I see is a tired old man.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

WHO FUCKED THE PIG?

If you think it’s ugly now, imagine how it looked poking halfway out of a pig’s vagina.

Villagers in China are stupefied by this pig-monkey that was recently born there. Everyone say it looks like it’s half monkey, which seems very optimistic to me. Hell, I’d even pay to watch a monkey fuck a pig, but I have a bad feeling a horny farmer has more to do with this than a monkey.

Quite frankly, if you have to wear a condom when you fuck a pig now, what’s the point?

I don’t know what’s scarier, the thought that some farmer knocked up his pig, or that the pollution in China is so bad that this happened naturally.

It’s often true that the ugliest and dirtiest Chinese restaurants have the best food, so I have to imagine this ugly fucker’s bacon taste like heaven. 

GAS PRICE PRAYER CIRCLE JERKS

“Dear God, please lower gas prices, give me a Wii fit, and a new Iphone… oh, and help the poor or something.”

Churchies in St. Louis are leading prayer circles at gas stations in an effort to lower gas prices, and since prices have dropped in the past week, they believe it is working. So if this group believes that prayer can manifest physical changes on Earth, the most pressing issue they can come up with is a 3 cents a gallon price shift? 

I hate high gas prices as much as anyone, but if I got three wishes, a slight reduction in fuel cost isn’t going to be one of them. Why not pray for energy independence, a cure for AIDS, or some common sense? 

I hope God answered their prayer, and said “Get rid of your SUV, dumbasses. Maybe try carpooling or occasionally riding a bike. Fucking morons.”

SIR RICHARD BRANSON INCHES CLOSER TO WORLD DOMINATION: PHLOG

The witty slogan on the cockpit says, “my other ride’s a spaceship.” Isn’t this supposed to be the spaceship, and shouldn't they be a little less flippant about traveling into space?

For some reason, I don’t want to go into orbit in a spaceship that has windows you can roll down.

From the look on his face, you can tell Branson tried to talk him into shaving those sideburns.

I’d like the guy who designed the plane that takes me into space to wear an undershirt at least when he’s wearing a white shirt. I know engineers aren't known for their style, but I really don't want to see his nipples.

What would you rather hear from the guy with the mic: “Hi, I’m the pilot that will be taking you into orbit,” or “Hi, I’ve got two larges with pepperoni?

“Okay, I want you to think of a number between one and three…” 

“Spaceship!” 

“That’s right, spaceship!”

Branson named his Spaceship after his mother Eve, who was named after the root of the word “Evil.”

It’s just like the first time his mom walked in on him masturbating, but less exhilarating and less intentional.

Branson’s father must have misunderstood the direction to look over your RIGHT shoulder like a douchebag.

“Hi, we’re going to take you into space.”
No fucking way.

Honestly, it’s his sideburns that make me not trust him to design a plane to take me into orbit.

Nope, not goin'.

The plane is named the “White Knight 2.” Seriously? Richard Branson’s in the Klan?

This could easily be a court photo for some really weird murder case. Like Really weird, so weird that it would not only inspire Hollywood movies, but also psychology textbooks.

Virgin Money? Jesus Christ. If this orbit business works, Branson’s gonna rule the god damned world. I wonder who he’ll target with his genocide. That’s right, the blacks. Sucks.

This Branson guy has “Bond Villain” written all over him.
Unfortunately it’s “late 80’s Timothy Dalton era Bond Villain.”

“Knight takes King. Checkmate.”

“You’re fucking nuts. I mean it. There’s a chemical imbalance you need to get checked out.”

Richard Branson at a private party in Shanghai. I don’t even want to know what goes on there, but I’m pretty sure a new derogatory, sexual euphemism will come out of it.

“Great to have you on board, Mai. Now, who wants to earn their brown wings?”

"THIS GUY!!!"

Monday, July 28, 2008

UNDENIABLE PROOF THAT SOMEONE SAID ALIENS EXIST

After a lifetime seeking revenge on aliens for a childhood abduction, Dr. Kivitz was most disappointed to find out the aliens don’t even have an anus to seek probing vengeance on. Damn little grey men are always one step ahead.

Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell, the sixth man to walk on the moon claims that alien life has visited Earth and is likely among us now, which is good news to people like me who wonder where the fuck did all these Armenians come from and why are they so weird? However, I didn’t realize the aliens would be so hairy.

Mitchell claims that out government covered up the Roswell incident years ago because they didn’t know if the aliens were harmful and they didn’t want Soviets to know about the crash, which seems counterintuitive to me. If I wanted to scare a cold war enemy, the first thing I would do is brag about having the aliens on my side. Sure, you might have some rinky-dink mid-range missiles and Cuba on your team, but we have tiny grey men with miraculous strength and technology that dwarves our own, much less your potato cannons.

While it’s great news for alien enthusiasts to have an astronaut’s confirmation, conspiracy theorist who believe in aliens, but don’t believe we landed on the moon, must feel very conflicted right now. 

Friday, July 25, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 12:12 PM EST

Friday morning, the Obama World Tour ’08 is in full swing.

Even Coldplay, the world’s least offensive and most middle of the road band, has signed on as the opening act,

and T-shirt sales are through the roof.

His shirts are even outselling the Che Guevara Atlantic City edition shirts.

Things get even hotter after when Obama picks up some new security from the class of 100 recent female Iraqi Police Academy grads.

Who would you rather have protect you in a foreign country, these guys or…

These smoking hot Kurdish chicks.

Plus you know these Kurdish chicks have seen some seriously fucked up shit in their lives and won’t be phased by someone pulling out a gun. Hell, most of them were molested and abused by men as the doctor pulled them out of the womb.

Meanwhile Friday afternoon, the rest of the world finally realizes that the Catholic Church just wrapped up something in Australia called “World Youth Day,” which is roughly the equivalence of the Klan hosting an interactive MLK day parade, but with more reluctant blowjobs.

Suddenly all across Australia, the image of Christ starts appearing

In stained Papal bed sheets,

bloody underwear,

and soiled condoms.

Saturday morning, Obama and his army of smokin’ hot Kurdish chicks take the controversial stance of opposing Catholic child rape.

The crowd goes wild and agrees, child rape is bad!

The cheers and support drive Obama to make a quick stop at the Vatican.

And he bitch slaps the Pope.

The crowd goes even wilder.

Obama distracts the Pope by raising his hand as if he was going to bitch slap him again.

The Pope covers his face, but Obama pulls a quick one and kicks him in the ribs.

and points at him mockingly.

The crowd overflows with joy, as Obama mugs for the masses,

And puts his hand to his ear, Macho Man Randy Savage style, acting like he can’t hear them.

But the Pope jumps to his feet and pokes Obama in the eye.

Then the Pope sneaks up behind him and smacks him across the back with a folding chair.

The Pope stands over Obama’s unconscious body, taunting him.

"I'm the Pope, motherfucker!"

The Pope’s not ready to meet his maker just yet, since he hasn’t figured out how to explain his supervisory role in the largest child-molesting cartel in history.

Obama’s down on the ground. the Pope wipes the blood from his mouth and gets hard.

He starts to loosen his robes and prepare the sacrificial rape alter.

Jesus can’t take anymore of this shit, so he comes down and kills them both.

Jesus was just going to kill the two of them and leave it at that, but he sees how much his image is being used with out his permission.

And it’s not just to sell t-shirts.   

People are marketing his image on shit like fish sticks and pancakes, and then selling it for thousands of dollars.

Jesus is super pissed, so he kills us all with Godly karate.

It’s 12:12 PM EST Sunday, and the world has ended.