Thursday, July 10, 2008

JESUS H. MORTGAGE CRISIS PART 2: PHLOG

Somehow, a picture representing the vague notion of a house floating in the clouds doesn’t give me confidence in the average American’s ability to keep their house.

"Listen lady, this rubber stamp says 'you’re fucked' and we stopped buying ones that say 'you can keep your home' months ago, so you’re fucked."

The only thing more humiliating than loosing your home is being forced to wear a sticker.

I don’t trust anyone with asymmetrical tan lines on their forehead.

“Let’s see, carry the one, kick your mom out of the retirement home, sell a kid, and we can make it!”

“Wait, this says if I’m a day late on a payment the bank will start foreclosure at 9 AM that day!”

"What house?"

There are two different signs on that lot. What are they doing, selling halves of houses now?

Maybe they should try using a less dauntingly evil picture to help sell their house.

“Don’t be fooled by the tie, people—I’m as fucked as you are! Does anybody have any pills? Any will do.”

How pathetic was the realtor’s meeting when painting stripes on a tree was the best idea to help sell a house? Also, $500 down? $375 a month? That house must have 4 bdr/2 bath/3 portals to hell.

On the bright side, the flophousing market is booming.

You know it’s a bad sign when black people start camping.

I guess it never occurred to the family that built the house on the left that plywood boards would look much better with brick than vinyl siding. I know keeping up with the neighbors is tough and hindsight’s 20/20, but still.

It must really suck to see your house sold out from under you for no money down. Hell, if you didn’t own it, you could probably afford to buy it.

WHY? WHY? WHY?...

Oh yeah.

“Housing crisis? No, we own ranches.”

Mortgage Christis

“Okay, first thing you want to do is rent a banquet hall just like this one. Then you take out an ad telling people you can help them save their homes. Then you charge them $200 a pop. Then you take that money and pay your mortgage or bookie. Any questions? No? Thanks for coming-- there will be no parking validation."

Why would you expect an honest loan from a webpage that uses stock photos?

I guess if doesn’t matter because if you can’t tell this is fake, someone else would have taken your money anyway.

Nothing says successful mortgage broker like a free calendar from the bank.

“I live in this sign now. Please get off my lawn.”

Looks like “Pacesetter Realty” there on the left is really living up to their name.

You know your job is fucked when you start leaving business cards on the stoops of abandoned homes.

Oh, so that’s what they mean by the tail end of a bull market.

No comments: