Tuesday, July 29, 2008

SIR RICHARD BRANSON INCHES CLOSER TO WORLD DOMINATION: PHLOG

The witty slogan on the cockpit says, “my other ride’s a spaceship.” Isn’t this supposed to be the spaceship, and shouldn't they be a little less flippant about traveling into space?

For some reason, I don’t want to go into orbit in a spaceship that has windows you can roll down.

From the look on his face, you can tell Branson tried to talk him into shaving those sideburns.

I’d like the guy who designed the plane that takes me into space to wear an undershirt at least when he’s wearing a white shirt. I know engineers aren't known for their style, but I really don't want to see his nipples.

What would you rather hear from the guy with the mic: “Hi, I’m the pilot that will be taking you into orbit,” or “Hi, I’ve got two larges with pepperoni?

“Okay, I want you to think of a number between one and three…” 

“Spaceship!” 

“That’s right, spaceship!”

Branson named his Spaceship after his mother Eve, who was named after the root of the word “Evil.”

It’s just like the first time his mom walked in on him masturbating, but less exhilarating and less intentional.

Branson’s father must have misunderstood the direction to look over your RIGHT shoulder like a douchebag.

“Hi, we’re going to take you into space.”
No fucking way.

Honestly, it’s his sideburns that make me not trust him to design a plane to take me into orbit.

Nope, not goin'.

The plane is named the “White Knight 2.” Seriously? Richard Branson’s in the Klan?

This could easily be a court photo for some really weird murder case. Like Really weird, so weird that it would not only inspire Hollywood movies, but also psychology textbooks.

Virgin Money? Jesus Christ. If this orbit business works, Branson’s gonna rule the god damned world. I wonder who he’ll target with his genocide. That’s right, the blacks. Sucks.

This Branson guy has “Bond Villain” written all over him.
Unfortunately it’s “late 80’s Timothy Dalton era Bond Villain.”

“Knight takes King. Checkmate.”

“You’re fucking nuts. I mean it. There’s a chemical imbalance you need to get checked out.”

Richard Branson at a private party in Shanghai. I don’t even want to know what goes on there, but I’m pretty sure a new derogatory, sexual euphemism will come out of it.

“Great to have you on board, Mai. Now, who wants to earn their brown wings?”

"THIS GUY!!!"

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