Friday, July 18, 2008


Friday morning, John McCain and the GOP will seek to distance themselves from the youth’s perception that they are the party of out-of-touch rich bastards.

So McCain’s daughter meets with the Heidi Montag, since she’s not a ridiculously out-of-touch, rich whore.

In fact, McCain is so out old and out of touch that he doesn’t realize that the only thing our divided nation agrees on is what utterly intolerable douche bags these two are.

Having Heidi and Spencer endorse you is like walking around with the devil’s bloody sperm dripping out of your ass and smiling about it.

They come off as more insincere and exploitative than Jesus dressed as Uncle Sam at a Toby Keith concert.

Even Abe Lincoln thinks they’re assholes, which is really saying a lot because he was even nice to black people back in the 1800’s.

Friday afternoon the threesome heads to South Carolina to campaign.

However, South Carolina is still on edge after their European Tourism ad campaign with the slogan “South Carolina is So Gay.”  

So when they see Spencer with his fake jaw line, nose job, capped teeth, highlights, and generally fagginess, they get a boner and kill him out of shame.

Heidi flips out like Jody Foster playing abused bitch slapped in front of her kids one time too many.

She pulls out some serious steel and starts laying waste to self-loathing closet cases, partially because she’s sad Spencer’s gone and partially because she suspects he fucked a few of them before they killed him.

McCain doesn’t know exactly why, but he starts killing people too. Apparently, it’s his default setting.

The GOP embraces the violence as they realize the “whatever, you’re a fag” vote is their only chance of winning this fall.

By Friday night, John McCain and Heidi have killed millions of suspected homos. It turns out living with Spencer Pratt fucks you up just as much as spending five years in the Hanoi Hilton, and the psychological abuse leading to repeated plastic surgery turns you into a more of a monster than North Vietnamese torture.

Saturday morning the Church of Latter Days Saints is still feeling a little queer after this guy made a topless Mormon men calendar.

And they realize after Andy Dick got arrested for sexually assaulting a girl, even they look gayer than Andy Dick. So they take off their shirts and kill everyone from Utah to Colorado just to prove how gay they ain’t.

Surprisingly the Bush administration ignores the whole thing. It’s not because they wouldn’t love to get in on some politically divisive gay bashing, but because it’s actually reached the level of a civil war, and once something turns into a war, they ignore it and play tee-ball instead.

By now the only people not subjected to Heidi-McCain-Mormon homo cleansing are all the Indymac bank customers who have been packed inside the closing bank trying to get their money back.

The President of Indymac realizes he doesn’t have any money, yet everyone he owes money to is inside his banks, so he hits the self destruct button and blows up all his banks and everyone inside.

By Saturday afternoon, the only people alive in America are John McCain, Heidi Montag, Andy Dick, and some Mormons. The Earth has put up with a lot of shit, but this is just too much, and the planet collapses on itself at 9:21 PM Saturday night.

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