Friday, July 11, 2008


After seeing the pictures from last weekend’s Running of the Bulls and the ensuing parties, people around the world start having their own drunken “runnings…”

Friday morning, America kicks things off with the running of the jaguars in Florida.

It’s just a bad idea, considering jaguars can run up to 60 mph.

And most Rascals top out at 7.

In California, the running of the bears hits an interesting snag when the giant beasts chase all of the runners into the rusty bear traps the organizers had set up as a safety precaution.

Getting eaten by a bear sucks, and getting severed by the rusty, tetanus-infect jaws of a 60 year-old bear trap blows too, but being eaten by a bear while you’re stuck in a trap set for him is not just painful, it’s demeaning. Bears aren’t even that smart, but by Friday night they’ve killed all of California’s educated elite.

The running of the sharks in Australia has a very dangerous first couple of steps, but the risk greatly decreases once you move a few feet away from the floundering shark on the street.

Saturday morning, the world wakes up to the adorable images of the running of the pandas in China, which is really cute, until some poachers open fire on the cuddly bears Kennedy sibling style and start full out riots.

At noon the South starts the running of the riding lawnmowers, which turns out to be far more fun for the people driving the mowers than the poor, drunk souls getting mulched.

In Iraq, the running of the Humvees is a striking success, but in all fairness that has been going on for years, which is probably why they’re the only ones who’ve figured out to plant IED’s along the roads.

And Iran lends a hand to the Israeli festivities by starting the running of the midrange missiles.

That’s a whole mess of it’s own, considering most Israelis were already celebrating the running of the bulldozers through the Gaza strip.

By Saturday afternoon, across the globe, billions of people are trampled, mauled, and repeatedly run over by modified, killing machine lawnmowers.

The problem is only intensified by the mortgage crisis, as homeless tent cities are devoured like candy shops full of fleshy morsels covered in convenient nylon wrappers.

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church is still riding the high of threatening the UCF college student who took a communion wafer home with death and eternal damnation. It’s been years since they publicly and shamelessly threatened to kill someone and then send them too hell, and like Pringles and heroin, once you pop, you can’t stop. They threaten to kill and send to hell everyone that even mildly annoys them like people who park their cars poorly, who breath through their mouths,

...and of course, the retarded.

By 9:27 Sunday AM, the Great Threatening (and killing) is in full swing. All of the sudden everyone left on Earth is either being killed and sent to hell by the Church, or killing people and sending them to hell with the Church.

It creates a huge rift through the remaining world population.

Until 12 noon, when the church threatens to kill France’s first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy after releasing her latest album.

Suddenly the world unanimously sides with the Church! She’s been annoying everyone for years, so all of the sudden the Catholic Church seems a lot more reasonable.

The entire world rallies together to stomp Carla. It’s an unbridled period of harmony, agreement, and brutal violence as Bruni-Sarkozy’s jaw is shattered by the sidewalk,

...and the Pope prepares to curb her.   

Suddenly Jesus shows up to stop the outrageous violence.

But the crowd explains to Jesus who she is, and how annoying her album and feeling of entitlement is. Sure she’s, hot, but so are lots of chicks and they don’t all marry the President and record an obnoxious acoustic jazz album about all the powerful men they’ve fucked.

Jesus is torn.

On the one hand, it’s never right to shatter a woman’s spine on the sidewalk, but on the other hand, the bitch is really annoying.

So, in the name of fairness, he Jesus decides to kill everybody.

It’s 1:23 PM EST Sunday afternoon, we’re all dead, and the world has ended.

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