Wednesday, August 20, 2008


"On my command you burn the churches and kill the babies! Shut up-- you knew what you were getting into when you signed on for this! Now burn the fucking church!"

A rogue monkey is loose in the Tokyo subway system and cannot be captured by the police. Uniformed officers chased the monkey for two hours with nets, but were unable to catch it, which must have been absolutely adorable.

The only thing cuter than a mischievous, little monkey is a frustrated, little Japanese man in a uniform running around with a butterfly net. Put the two together, and it’s cuter than a Hello Kitty tattoo on a puppy.

However, if history is any indicator, we can look forward to a story later this week about Japanese women getting monkey-raped.

When it comes to monkey-rape, it’s hard to use the defense “she was askin’ for it” because even the Japanese aren’t that weird, but it is fair to assume that the Japanese are too polite to ask the monkey to stop.

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