Friday, August 8, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 3:31 PM EST

Friday morning more Anthrax letters start showing up across the country and killing people, and the FBI continues to blame Bruce Ivins.

Only he’s dead, so people start to suspect the FBI doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and just blaming some dead dude, who they may well have driven to suicide with false allegations. But the FBI figures he’s can’t kill himself any more, so they keep blaming him.

And more anthrax attacks keep happening.

By Friday night, the public won’t take it anymore, and they insist the FBI find someone who didn’t kill themselves last week to blame it on.

So the FBI blames John Lennon.

America buys it. "Fuck you John Lennon!"

But the letters keep coming, and people figure out that Lennon is dead too, so the public pressures the FBI to find the actual biological warrior.

The FBI pegs Abraham Lincoln.

The public believes that Lincoln’s a maniacal asshole out to destroy America. But somehow the attacks keep happening.

By 8 AM Saturday morning, wild animal attacks like the tigers in Missouri are surging out of control.

It’s not that animals from the wild are coming into the cities, or that wild animals keep breaking out of the zoo, in fact it’s quite the opposite, as thousands of Americans keep breaking into predator exhibits and getting eaten.

No one can believe the tragedy or figure out how to stop it. So people keep jumping over fences to hang out with killer beasts like lions, bears, gorillas, and alligators, and they keep getting eaten.

In Missouri, the group that prayed for lower gas prices they will take action to stop the animal attacks, but instead of taking proactive steps and reducing the number of people who jump into killer animal cages, they break into tiger cages, circle around the ferocious animals, and pray for them not to attack anybody.

It works for about 15 seconds before the tigers maul them all.

The FBI blames Peter Jennings.

Meanwhile, Saturday afternoon, in Los Angeles, Angelina Jolie announces that her twins Knox and Vivienne are dating each other. It starts a huge national trend of mindless parents forcing their kids to date their siblings, and suddenly we stop breeding… well successfully anyway. Don’t act surprised, nature had to stop us somehow.

By noon on Saturday, the strength of the American dollar has rebounded strongly, due to the fact that our money is apparently covered in cocaine.

In fact, the dollar becomes so valuable that the wealthiest Americans buy them all, and thus control 100% of the money in our country, and they force all the poor people to go jail.

They’re not guilty of anything, but they did hear that if you cop a deal, you can  get free fried chicken in jail, so they’re in.

And of course, we run out of chicken.

Now, Saturday evening at 7:27 PM, with Abraham Lincoln continuing his biological warfare on America, Peter Jennings unleashing wild animals on the heartland, siblings fucking, the world’s largest disparity of wealth, and a national fried chicken shortage, we’re pretty fucked. We’re not all dead yet, but we’re pretty fucked.

That’s when John McCain snaps.

No one asked him to get involved, or even take a side, but he snaps and goes ape shit crazy and starts killing people by hand—pretty much the way you would expect someone who was tortured for 5 years in a North Vietnamese POW camp to do.

He rips through throats like wet Kleenex, he crushes skulls like pecan shells, and he rips hearts from rib cages like, well, like we all worried he would. And McCain, being the crazy tortured fucker he is, starts eating his victims organs and growing stronger.

By noon on Sunday, almost everyone who hasn’t been killed by anthrax, tigers and bears is being gutted, disemboweled, and snacked on by John McCain.

Then, out of nowhere, a space ship appears.

It’s the aliens that astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell who walked on the moon told us about.

He’s all, “I told y’all they were real. I walked on the goddamned moon, than told you there were aliens, but no one believed me. I thought ‘what the fuck?! I was on the moon, and these earth bound assholes don’t believe me about the aliens. As if their science books or Bible somehow knew what I saw, when I was in fucking space. I worked for NASA, and some asshole at a law firm is gonna tell me about aliens?! What a bunch of stupid mother fucking shitbags!’ Then I just figured, ‘fuck it, let ‘em all die. I went to the mother fucking moon, and I know what I’m fucking talking about.’”

So the aliens save him, and he lets us all kill ourselves, which happens by 3:31 PM EST Sunday, when the world has ended.

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