Friday, August 15, 2008


It all starts when Michael Phelps oversleeps and misses a shaving session. In fact, he’s so tired, he misses several shaving sessions.

By the time he shows up to swim in his event on Friday, it has become obvious that just like the body found in Georgia, he is in fact Bigfoot.

It explains a lot.

But Phelps isn’t the only Olympic athlete that’s a shaved yeti.

Yeah, wise up, people.

We may not be able to dope up our athletes any more, but no one’s testing for Sasquatch. 

The Chinese freak the fuck out.

Kerri Walsh runs into the woods.

And employs her greatest natural defense technique: turning blurry.

China reacts by employing their greatest weapon against the Bigfeet: the youth.

China sends an immeasurable army of unwanted daughters to attack Michael Phelps.

It’s the most adorable attack ever. Cute Chinese kids are everywhere.

And the kids use even cuter babies as weapons, beating Phelps with newborn daughters, and launching aborted second child fetuses with slingshots.

It really hurts Phelp’s feelings. It’s one thing to be attacked by kids, but being attacked by kids with kids, is just twisted. He just wants to hangout and be and set a good example.

And you don’t want to hurt Bigfoot’s feelings, it makes an otherwise gentle creature very violent. It’s like making fun of a drunk girl. Phelps snaps and starts killing kids and swatting down babies, but China’s fine with it. Sending their excess population to fight a monster is kind of a win-win situation for them.

Meanwhile, back in America, on Friday night Russia uses the confusion of their attacks on the nation of Georgia as a distraction, and attacks our state of Georgia.

It’s very confusing.

Russia claims our Georgia is a break away province, since it seceded 150 years ago.

And Georgia can’t get any help, because whenever somebody says that the State of Georgia has been attacked, everyone in the government and media scoffs and says, “No, there’s also a country called Georgia.”  As if they’re a genius for knowing a basic fact of geography. It’s like an elitist Abbot & Costello routine, however, it doesn’t help things that the State of Georgia named their towns after random foreign cities like Athens, Rome, and Paris.

By the time the rest of the country has figured out that our Georgia really is under attack, the state is in flames.

Everyone up North laughs. “Ha! We did that once!”

“Stupid rednecks. Good one, Russia.”

The South is so offended, that we side with Russia and launch into an all out civil war again. Russia may have just attacked us, but we’ve been takin' shit from the North for years.

And old rusty missiles are better than no missiles at all.

The South has a lot of pent up rage against the North, so we convince Russia to Nuke the Yankees as a first move.

Unfortunately, like dousing the grill with an entire bottle of lighter fluid, and igniting it with a pack of Roman candles and a shotgun, we don’t really think through our proximity to the explosion, and the nuke kills us all Saturday night at 9:34 PM.

Meanwhile over in Europe, the rat-brained robots have evolved to attack rat mode, and they’re sweeping across the continent. With the strength of a bull-dozer and the brain of a rat, they can’t be stopped, and they wipe out all of Europe, Africa, and the Middle East.

No one’s smart enough to kill the ratbots—certainly not the Australians, and they die too.

The only people that can outsmart the rat-brained robots are the Chinese, who have finally finished killing Bigfoot Phelps, after he slaughtered 700 million of their children, which is exactly the number they wanted.

The Chinese corner the ratbots and trap them. Then they eat them, which tears up their stomach and kills them all. It’s Sunday morning at 9:21 and we’re all dead. 

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