Wednesday, September 24, 2008

GOOD NEWS! WE'RE ALL FUCKED... WAIT, THAT'S BAD NEWS, FUCK IT: PHLOG

If we don’t bail out Wall Street, how will these firms survive long enough to fuck us again next year?”

“I don’t want to say the word 'recession,' but if you don’t pass this, you will have to eat your children.”

“C’mon, it’s like the Patriot Act combined with the economic wisdom of the Bush administration, how could it not be wonderful? Pleeeeaaaaaaaase?”

“You will eat your fucking baby!”

“Easy Paulson-- you’re supposed to be the good cop.”

“I know… but they’ll have to eat their fucking babies, stuffed with puppies, and pay for the pleasure of doing so!”

“Of course this is different than the Great Depression. The Great Depression was great—this is sucky. At least during the depression money was closer to being real. Now it’s just some fucked up, abstract, liquid concept that undervalues the work you do in a day.”

“You want to pay an additional $700 billion for this buyout. Our deficit is already at $9 trillion. Ain’t we about one egg roll away from China kickin’ us out of the buffet?”

“I don’t know—can China repo our stuff if we don’t pay?”

“I hope not. They’ve already jacked our APR so high we’ve been making minimum monthly payments for years. Shhh!”

“We all agree that most everything the Bush administration has done has been criminally corrupt, lied about, and undoubtedly worsened our country, so why should we trust them now at the 11th hour?”  

“You shouldn’t. Oh shit, wait, you’re talking about me. Umm… 9/11, terrorists, boogedy boogedy boogedy! Vote yes!”

“All right, fuck this. I’m going homes now.”

“Homes?”

“Yeah, I got a bunch of ‘em.”

Awesome.

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