Tuesday, September 30, 2008

NOT SO GREAT DEPRESSION: PHLOG

Here, just copy mine: Dear Emma, this is not your fault. You deserve a better husband and the kids deserve a better father, not a crooked failure like me…”

“Quit smoking? This country’s goin’ down the shitter faster than Paul Newman's cancer spread in a race car. My plan? I’m movin’ to flavor country. Don’t tell my wife.”

His mom teaches high school drama uptown.

It’s hard to say whether this guy is that upset, or he’s a criminal that doesn’t want his face shown on TV.

It’s not even raining—the worldwide markets are just that fucked.

You know the stock market’s fucked when crowds of spectators start gathering outside, in case some sort of visible, physical event might happen.

Then again, everyone watches NASCAR for the crashes too.

This is the first time that even this guy is worried he might loose his job.

“No, I’m selling handjobs on second life. Two bucks a pop.”

“Two dollars? What the hell—she’s says she’s an Obama supporter.”

Now more than ever, John’s faint, orange sideburns seem especially pointless.

Future quote: “Yeah, I used one of these in my last job. No, it didn’t have a button for spinach dip or hot wings, but it was basically the same idea.”

“I’d like to make a sports metaphor, but I don’t think a team’s ever lost by 777 points before. Maybe the Saints? Oh, I got it! This is a like a Saints game during Katrina—there you go.”   

“I’ve got a crisp, new five dollar bill for the guy who makes the next trade!”

“Hell yeah! Five dollars!”

“Hey, can I use that five dollars to make the trade and then win it?”

“I’ll buy that five dollar debt. Anybody want to buy five shares of one-dollar debt? Get in early!”

If that goofy shit on the right smiles like that one more time, I’m going to break through this picture, punch him in his fat throat, and bludgeon him to death with one of those phones.

“Honey, I want you to gather all your things, get the kids, and load up the car—then light it all on fire. No! You listen to me, honey! I know what I’m talking about! Now!”

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