Monday, September 15, 2008

UP AGAINST A WALL ST: PHLOG

When both sides of a financial deal are smiling that big, you know some seriously evil shit went down.

“Wake up America! Read the hand writing on the donut box!”

“You going to stand there and take pictures, or you going to help me sell these machines on ebay?”

“Hmm… I don’t remember entering the Nigerian lottery, but this does sound like a good opportunity…”

“Fuck! I can't ask Daddy for money, he owns the company!”

“Let’s see… ‘Robert is… um… looking for a new job… no… Robert is…regretting his life decisions… no… Robert is… bleeding out the asshole as he watches his life fall to shit.’ There, that should do it.”

“… maybe I could teach.”

“I have got to get this job off my linked in page."

“Look Andy, I told you ‘no’ last week, and if I didn’t want to invest in a mobile bikini dog wash business when I had money, what makes you think I want to now?

Federal bailouts have been about as effective at propping up the economy as these guys’ Rogaine has been at keeping their hair youthful and thick.

This guy will make an effortless transition to crazy homeless coot.

If I was a former Lehman Brothers’ employee, I would hold that box more carefully, and make sure the bottom doesn’t fall out of it also.

“No-- one ticket to the Cayman Islands, on two credit cards. Can you do that?

If you show up late for work, and there are reporters outside, just go home.

“All right. Day one. Starting fresh. First day of the rest of my life. Where’s a liquor store?

“Yeah, I’ll take the patty melt. Is this still on the company tab? Then I’ll take 700 of ‘em.”

“At least I’ve got all that gold. You guys are fucked.”

“Jesus, where else am I supposed to find a job that lets me buy and sell fictional notions of corporate value that establish meaningless measures of personal wealth? Sears?!”

Sometimes the only thing left to do is sit down and protect your balls.

“Okay everyone. I know there’s a lot going on, but today is Carl’s birthday, so if we could gather in the break room in 10 minutes for cake, I’m sure the economy will take care of itself.”

3 comments:

dln said...

Please.
One picture of a woman on Wall Street, and you have to attribute a caption to her about asking daddy for money? Weak.

Peter Grumbine said...

dln, oops. whatever.

Cory said...

I'm protecting my balls right now.