Friday, September 5, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS FRIDAY AT 5:34 PM EST

Thursday night, John McCain gave a very human speech that was a heartfelt call to duty and detailed his personal struggles, with out hitting home on partisan issues like abortion, guns, and gays.

The crowd’s not into it.

McCain starts getting angry, like a mean, drunk grandfather, to rev up the crowd. He even threatens to take off his belt and threatens to whoop them all.

The crowd still isn’t impressed.

So to spice things up, the GOP wheels out The Button.   

The crowd sees The Button and goes nuts.

All of the men who are under the age of 80, cum in their pants, and the women swoon at The Button’s dangerous style.

To the GOP, The Button is a true American hero.

McCain gets caught up in the excitement, and his speech builds to a crescendo.

“PUSH IT! PUSH IT! PUSH IT!

McCain, a man who never gave in to the pressure from the Viet Cong, and suffered untold beatings and torture, once again caves to the peer pressure of the GOP.

He pushes the button and sends a missile to North Korea.

“Hell yeah! Fuck that shit up!”

That one missile alone, probably wouldn’t have ended the world, but the delegates from every state insist on lining up to get their turn to push The Button in a roll-call style rotation. By 1 AM Friday morning, over 50 missiles are cruising towards North Korea, Russia, China, and New York (oddly enough, Republicans love 9/11, but hate New York City).

It’s mid-afternoon on Friday before the missiles start to hit and destroy the other side of  the world. At 3 PM Friday, most everyone on Earth is dying.

Except Obama. He ascends to Heaven. He doesn’t die—he just goes home.

At 5:34 PM EST, the last missile strikes, and the world has ended. Thanks, GOP.

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