Wednesday, October 8, 2008

MCCAIN DEBATES THAT ONE: PHLOG

Before the debate, we flipped a coin to see who would go first. Unfortunately, an audience member stole that quarter to help pay medical bills for his children

“9/11! Ha! First! w00t!”

“Shit! My best line! PS: look up 'w00t.'”

“Well, you can sit here and bitch and moan about the trillion dollars we gave Wall Street, or you can go home, fill up your bath tub with drinking water, board up your windows, eat a can of beans, and let this economy fix itself. Jesus Christ! Money's for rich people!

“You Americans need to show more responsibility in paying your predatory loans. The government’s not going to pay it for you—we’re cashed out from paying the predators. People need to take more personal responsibility. Stretch a nickel! Eat the early bird special! Music is too loud! Kids are fat these days!”

“Fine, you want me to fix the economy? Here, look—found a nickel! Now give Granpaw a kiss and stop complaining.”

“If you can’t find work, check Ebay. 1.3 million Americans work on the website page of auction goods at selling internets. Ebay. Email. Cell phone web.”

“Hey, do you kids like the Andrews Sisters? You know, the ‘Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B?’ I killed him in his sleep.”

“Obama says he wants nuclear power but it has to be safe?! Safe? I was on a nuclear ship in the Navy back when I was a human man, and it was safe enough to make me into the giant, soft-shelled, albino tortoise with regressive political policies that you see today.”

“Excuse me, Senator McCain, could you please pause for a moment. Your line from the CNN instant approval rating graph is stuck on the floor and someone needs to pick it up.”

When a aging white woman from Tennessee is that frightened of a white man running against a black man for President, you know that is one scary white man.

“If you don’t have health insurance for your kids, that one wants to fine you! He’s going to track you down, take your money, beat your children, and then give you terrorist germs. And by ‘terrorist,’ I mean ‘black.’ Black people germs on your kids, that’s what that one wants.”

“Oh shit, another terrorist.”

Even John McCain’s dark, evil soul got up and left.

“Senator Obama voted to spend $3 million on a state of the art planetarium in Chicago where kids can not just learn about science but grow engaged with it. I say we take that money, and use it to drill inside that very planetarium. Don’t even tell the hippy fags and kids we’re gonna do it. Just drill right through them. That’s science!”

“My plan? I’m just going to stand here and smile until this mean old bastard gets so mad he wet shits his pants. That’s my plan.”

“Watch this, I’m going to move my finger closer and closer to his face until he hits me or bites it off. Watch him, he’s nasty!”

“Listen my friends, I used to be a reasonable person, but then I took five years of abuse as a prisoner of war, then I served eight years as Bush’s bitch, and I am not right in the head. I will fuck you up for a hobby. I don’t need the money, I will destroy you for sport.”

“Kiiiiissss her! Kiss her good! Harder! Yeaaah kiss her with those big juicey lips! Do it! Hawt!”

1 comment:

Cory said...

Obama is such a tease.