Monday, October 27, 2008

MEANEST GRANDMOTHER EVER: PHLOG

I’m going to be out of the country for the next two weeks. I will return if the election is resolved peacefully, and America returns to a status higher than Southern Mexico. Failing that: you’re on your own. Here’s some past posts to hold you over…

Okay, gang, for the next 8 weeks, everyone’s gonna pray real hard and keep their legs real shut. I don’t care if it’s never worked before, it’s gonna work this time.”

Palin has the unique ability as a politician to make us all feel like if we question what she says, we’re going to get grounded for another week just for talking back.

“What do you mean ‘I don’t have any experience either?!’ That’s it, you’re not going to prom and you can’t have any health care! Yeah, well life isn’t fair, kid.”

“Keep pushing it, and you’re going to Iraq, young man!”

“All Obama’s done is make a grandiose speech in front of a government looking backdrop at a convention.”

“He’s written two memoirs and not a single piece of legislation. And I don’t need to check my facts-- I’ve got a downs baby.

“Barack Obama is faggy, surrender monkey! …could have had it aborted, but I kept it. What are you going to say?”

"Forcefield!"

“And my state has a budget surplus. It’s easy: all you have to do is take lots of earmarked money from Congress, and voila, budget surplus! Duh!”

“Just because I took money for the bridge to no where, doesn’t mean that’s what I spent it on. Jesus Christ, get with it people!”

“Mom said you can’t hold the baby because you’re too high. Pet him gently. Gently!”

The GOP argues that due to her 20 months as governor of Alaska, Palin has more executive experience than Obama or Biden. Biden’s been in the Senate for almost 10 years longer than McCain, so that means, clearly, after a year and a half of serving as governor, Palin is the best candidate for President, and clearly this is very sound logic.

“Barack Obama can talk about the war for hours and not mention the word ‘victory.’ All he does is go on and on about how it was an unjust war against a straw man who had nothing to do with 9/11 and thus weakened our defenses against another attack while emboldening the enemy and creating a recruiting campaign for Al Queda, while making massive payouts to Halliburton and Bush’s cronies. Well, I say we're kicking that straw man's ass!”

Critics say she didn’t come across that right wing because she didn’t mention abortion. Well, she’s got a down syndrome baby and a knocked up teen daughter, who needs words when you have visual aides?

I hope the GOP uses this crazy ol’ coot is a visual representation of their energy policy.

“Drill now! I needs more monies for m’ whiskeys an’ whores!”

“Whew! Whiskey an’ whores!”

“Please? I ain’t had a woman whore in weeks.”

“Hey, now that your mom’s running for vice president, we’re totally going to have more time to do it when she's not around!”

“God, for the last time, I’m pregnant!”

“What’s that mean?”

“We’re having a baby.”

"Why?"

“Because we were taught to abstain from sex instead of being taught about birth control. It's my mom's policy.”

“What if I wear a condominium?”

“Well it’s too late now!”

"What evs!"

"Yeah, how you doin?!"

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